Full Of It

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. We come on the sloop John B.

. My grandfather and me.

. Around Nassau town we did roam.

. Drinkin' all night.

. Got into a fight.

. Oh, yeah.

. Well, I feel so broke up.

. I wanna go home.

. So hoist up the John B's sail.

. Hoist up the John B's sail.

. See how the mainsail sets.

. Call for the captain ashore.

. Let me go home.

. Let me go home.

. I wanna go home.

. Yeah, yeah.

. Well, I feel so broke up.

. I wanna go home.

. De de.

. De de de.

. The first mate he got drunk.

. Fell in the captain's trunk.

. Doo doo doo doooo.

. The constable had to come and take him away.

. Sheriff John Stone.

. Why don't you leave me alone?.

Yeah yeah.

. Well, I feel so broke up.

. I wanna go home.

Ha ha ha!

Hey, you're not nervous, are you?

A little.

Oh, Sam!

You're a kind, caring, responsible young man.

And I know that if you just be yourself...

Everyone's gonna end up loving you as much as we do.

And that is a whole heck of a lot!

Ohhhh!

Love you, buddy.

Mmmm!

I love you guys, too.

Thanks.

Yeah, man, short is the new tall!

Are you sure he's a senior?

Nice haircut.

Thanks. M-My mom cuts it.

You must be Sam Leonard!

Yes. - I'm Principal Hayes.

But if you prefer to call me Marcus...

that's perfectly all right with me.

Thanks. Thanks, Marcus.

Come on, I'll walk you to your locker.

I just want you to know what a pleasure it is...

to have you joining our student body for your senior year.

I'm-well-I-I'm glad to be here too, sir.

Great! Really great!

Of course, your parents have already informed me...

that you're in the running for the Math Association scholarship.

That's quite an accomplishment.

Well-I-I haven't won anything yet but-

but thank you.

This is your locker. It's one of my favorites.

This... is your welcome package.

Go Possums!

Sam, you have a great first day!

Hey, Jack!

Those are fantastic new sneakers you have on.

What is that you were humming?

Oh, it-it was nothing.

No, I liked it, what was it?

Uh, Sloop John B by The Beach Boys.

Shhh! - Who?

Uh, they were pioneers of surf music back in the '60s.

Oh. Can you sing that song you were humming...

so I can see if I know it?

Well-well... all right.

Um...

. So hoist up the John B's sail.

. See how the mainsails set.

. Call for the captain ashoooore.

. Let me go home.

You know it? - No, no, keep going.

. I wanna go home.

. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

. De de de de de de.

. De de de.

They can't hear you, little man!

I... I don't know the rest.

You gotta toughen up, newbie.

And... I would have gone with...

something more like Surfin' USA...

or Little Deuce Coupe.

All right, let's hit the showers.

Hey, hold on. Who's uh... Sam Leonard?

I got your parents' note...

and wearing your bathing suit in the shower is fine.

Thank you, sir.

You need a note to get out of gym.

Uh... no.

Condoms.

Actually, I was... just looking for a little guidance.

What exactly does that have to do with me?

Aren't you a guidance counselor?

Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. Have a seat, buddy.

Don't drop anything.

"Why don't you tell me a little bit about your problem, name?"

Today was my first day here...

and-and I thought this school might be different...

but I'm already getting absolutely killed.

"Life isn't a sprint, it's a marathon. "

Oo, well... uh, right.

I start out being myself, you know?

I- I try being friendly and nice...

but... clearly I'm doing something wrong.

I believe it was Thomas Jefferson that once said...

"Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom. "

Come on, man! I need some real help here.

This is my senior year, you know.

I definitely can't do another year as the short, weird kid.

Look, what do you want, pal? You want tail, is that it?

No! I... I mean, yeah, someday, but...

It's not what I'm after. I just-I just want one last shot at being cool.

Yeah, and I want to live next to a Xanax factory, with no locks.

It's not gonna happen.

Listen, I know where you're coming from.

I was there once, OK?

Rough childhood, right?

Mommy drinks too much, daddy's in and out of jail, is that it?

My dad's a flight attendant for-

I'm sorry, your dad's a stewardess?

OK, I'm sorry.

All right, a-are you good at anything?

Are you good at video games, sports...

forging your parents' signatures...

I'm-I'm somewhat of a math whizz.

Mm. - At my last school...

my teacher used to call me his prince polynomials.

Don't ever say that out loud again, OK?

All right, hey, kid.

Kid?

You wanna know the truth? OK.

I'll tell you the truth.

The truth is, the truth sucks.

We live in a moral cesspool of lies.

I've tried to live my life honestly and look at me.

I'm a high school guidance counselor...

with a freakishly high tolerance...

for prescription pain medication.

You think this is my dream?

You think when I was a kid growing up I had posters...

on the wall of guidance counselors?

Look, if you wanna get anything out of life...

you gotta put some spin on the ball, OK?

You want-You want kids here to like you at school, you lie.

Lie about who you are...

where you're from, what you got.

They'll believe you because they're dumb, OK?

In fact, if you remember one thing...

from your 5 years of high school...

in our society winners always lie...

and liars always win.

And don't do drugs.

. Let me go home.

. Why don't you let me go home?.

. Hoist up the John B's sail.

. Hoist up the John B's-.

. Feel so broke up. -. Yeah-eah-eah!.

. I wanna go home.. Chug-A-chug.

Ha ha ha!

Hey, hey! What about our-

I'm sorry... But you should go now.

Thanks.

Dude, sweet as sugar syrup.

Uh, yeah, I know it's totally embarrassing having...

my parents drop me off...

while my, um... uh...

Porsche is in the shop.

You have a Porsche?

Yeah, she's getting all...

pimped out right now.

So, uh, just, you know...

keep it on... D.L.

Hey, um, idiot. - Oh, hey.

When you signed this picture yourself...

you misspelt Carmen.

Heh heh.

Yeah, man, who's Camren Electra?

Ah, come on- come on guys that-

that's not-that's not cool.

I mean, everybody-

everybody knows that she's...

dyslexic.

Trust me, I-I know...

sh-she's a friend from back in L.A.

Great girl.

You know, now that I think about it I'm...

pretty sure she is dyslexic.

Yeah, you know what? I think...

I remember reading something about that too.

Where-Where are you going? - Kyle?

I know...

Out of all the others...

I have chosen you.

Excuse me?

I didn't have time to do my homework...

so I have chosen you to give me the answers.

And, if I like your work...

we can have an arrangement where you give me the answers...

for the rest of the year.

I didn't do it either.

Yeah, you should probably- you should probably just...

choose someone else...

please...

because I...

I really suck at math.

Seriously, I'm-I'm like-

I'm like a preschooler.

All right, everyone...

let's have your homework.

Yes. Thank you, thank you.

Thank you.

Can you hand me your homework, please?

I don't have it.

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