Fun Mom Dinner

1

- You are not just a mom.

You are a hot, hot, single lady.

Oh, God.

- Mom!

- Just a second, sweetie!

You are a well-educated... female person...

with a very big...

set of tits.

- Mommy!

- F*** me. Coming!

- All right, Momma's bringing in

the big board. Let's do this.

Gracie, do you have

your show-and-tell, honey?

Yes, you do. Good girl!

Will, buddy, helmet and pads?

Are those boys still giving you

a hard time at practice?

Okay, well, screw football.

How about glee club, huh?

Show tunes!

- Mommy, can we listen to singing music

on the way to school?

- No, honey, I like to listen

to news in the morning.

- Can I play on your phone?

- Nope.

Amelia!

You know we don't do screams

before school.

- He took his diaper off! Poop!

' Oh! F***!

- Poop!

Been running so long

I've nearly lost all track of time

In every direction

I couldn't see the warning signs

a' I must be losin' it

'Cause my mind plays tricks on me

It looked so easy

But you know looks sometimes deceive

Been running so fast

Right from the starting line

No more connections

I don't need any more advice

One hand's just reaching out

And one's just hangin' on

It seems my weaknesses

Just keep going strong

Head over heels

Where should I go

Can't stop myself

Outta control

Head over heels

No time to think

Looks like

the whole world's out of sync

Head over heels

Where should I go

Can't stop myself

Outta control

Head over heels

No time to think

Looks like

the whole world's out of sync

- Good afternoon, Jen.

Gorgeous day we're having, huh?

Got that sun dialled up to a 10.

- It is. It's so bright out,

do you really need that flashlight?

- I probably wouldn't have seen

Greyson pick his nose and wipe it

on the back of your seat without it, huh?

Don't worry. They all do it.

I got you.

- Oh.

- Hey!

- Sh*t!

- Owen is begging for a play date

with the boys. You gotta come over.

- Oh! Oh, hey,

uh, this is the call I'm expecting.

Silent. It's on silent.

- Hey, Sally.

- Whoa, uh...

- Orange cones, no phones.

- I was buying milk. I'm out of milk.

- Well, there's a Trader Joe's

right around the corner.

- Yeah, well,

I don't do markets, okay?

So please just give me my phone, Melissa.

Uh, uh, Melody.

I mean...

- It's Melanie, Kate.

God, we've been going to the same school

for five years?

- Just give me my phone, please, Melanie.

Hey, what the...?

- Are those car seats

even installed properly?

And does this beauty

even have anti-lock brakes?

- Yes. Obviously it does.

And power windows.

- Seriously?

- We had a big day

and then Teacher Sherry

witnessed Amelia offering her spot

on the green rug.

The empathy that displays,

Amelia, it's... it's profound.

Come on, you two get in here.

You both are settling in beautifully

to your first month at school. Aren't you?

- Yeah.

- Bit of a relief. Right?

- Yes. All right, bug, come on.

Let's go get our stuff, huh?

- Have an amazing day. So great to see you.

- Thank you. You too.

- Yay! Okay, hold still.

- Oh, that's one cute cubby.

Rose-budding really takes it

to the next level.

- Rose-budding!

Ooh, that'll get a lot of likes, right?

Now I get the iPad, Mommy?

As soon as we get in

the car, sweetie, okay?

As soon as we get in the car.

And don't forget,

you get to sleep

at your daddy's house tonight,

and Mommy gets some alone time.

- Can't even remember what that's like.

- Hey, I know this is kind of last minute,

but Melanie - you know, Grace's mom? -

she and I are going out tomorrow night.

I got us a reservation

in this new tapas place.

Would you wanna join?

- Uh, topless?

- Yeah, topless place. I thought, you know,

sexy dancers, little appetizers.

No. Tapas.

- Oh, my God!

- Tapas.

- Tapas!

Yeah, no, tapas. Wow, yeah,

that would be really nice. Thank you.

- Yeah, we like to do these fun mom dinners

every couple of weeks.

Lots of wine, no kids.

It's kind of heaven.

- Yeah, sounds like it.

- Hi, ladies.

- Hey, Mel, guess what. Emily is gonna

join us for dinner tomorrow night.

- Oh, fantastic.

- Ls that okay?

- Yeah, it's great. I love welcoming

new moms to the Happy Days community.

I can't wait to hear your story, Emily.

- Um, would it be okay if I invited Kate?

- Kate with the twin boys?

- Yeah.

Wait. Are you

friends with her?

Yeah, yeah, we went to

high school together.

That's how I got Amelia in here

so last minute when we moved.

- Kate doesn't usually do stuff

with us other moms,

or even return my emails, but I know she got

it, 'cause I have that sent-return thing.

But since you guys are so close,

if you wanna invite her,

I mean, that's fine,

she could come with us, yeah.

- That'd be wonderful.

- Okay, no, I'll mention it to her later.

That sounds great. Thank you, guys.

Gotta go. Bye. Thank you.

- Bye.

- I like your skirt. It's so pretty.

- Oh, thanks.

- I bet my left tit

that b*tch Kate doesn't come.

- Hello, gorgeous.

Shut up!

- Mom!!

- He took it!

I'm in the playoff!

Where are you?!

Where are you?!

Whoa, whoa!

One at a time, dudes, one at a time.

- Make them shut up, okay?

I'm in the playoffs!

- The twins knocked over my Legos

and I have to poop.

- Oh, get in there, go. Get in there, go.

- He took my sabre!

- Because it's mine!

- Okay-

There you go. Downstairs.

Have fun.

Daddy's calling you.

Hey. Sorry I couldn't

talk to you at pick-up.

I can't take hanging

around that place.

- Oh, guess who got a poop facial

and taught our kid how to say the F word?

- Oh, wait, you had sh*t on your face

and you're worried

your kid learned the word f***?

- You don't understand.

I never swear in front

of them, is the thing.

- Sh*t, I'd be more worried about pink eye.

- How is it possible that this kid

still has the S-H-I-T-S?

- Well, now you know

what you're really missing out on

when you're pulling

those 12-hour workdays.

- It's incredible to me

that my life still revolves

around other people's S-H-I-T.

I can't believe it.

- Oh, I can.

- You're good at this.

Do it again?

- Okay.

- I love it, Emily.

You look beautiful.

- Oh, really?

I feel like you've never

seen me with my hair brushed.

- Hey, I'm home. Hey...

- Hey.

- Daddy's home!

- Oh, Amelia Bedelia!

How you doing?

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, gosh, are we busy

making some drawings here?

What the...?

Wow, honey, this is, um...

this is an interesting one.

Wh-what exactly is going on here?

- It's a whale spraying Mommy.

- Um...

I... I guess I didn't know Mommy

was into that sort of thing,

but, uh, okay.

All right.

- Oh, sorry.

- Sorry.

Okay, I'm gonna, uh...

I'll just get changed and...

- He's got this thing

about messing up my lipstick.

- Is this, like, Top Chef or something? Are

we gonna be judged on our work? Thank you.

- No, it's a delivery thing, man.

It's a startup,

which I should've invested in.

It's all local and organic and sustainable.

And they just drop it off for you.

- What drops it off, an electric tractor

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