Fun Mom Dinner Page #2

being pulled by a rescue dog?

Thanks, Kate.

- This is literally farm

to table, you guys.

Farm to table.

- Straight from the farm.

- Straight to the table.

- To the...

- Right to the table. Are you kidding me?

- There's no middleman.

- Oh, my God.

Well, thank you so much for having us over

so we could make our own dinner.

This is great.

- Kate, I think it's awesome,

I think it's super creative, and I like it.

- Thanks, Em.

- Don't cut yourself, now.

- All right. Let's do this. Okay?

- Okay. Yeah.

Right. Do you wanna do the...

chop up the veggies?

- What's up with the sauce?

- Just a little...

- Oh, no, no, no, hold on.

Throw the veggies in first

and then the sauce goes...

- I think it'll just...

- No, no. It's like this for a reason.

You know, sometimes, recipes are

in a specific order for a reason.

It's gonna screw the whole thing up if...

- Ahem.

- It cooks together... Okay, it's fine.

- Did you guys...

Do you have any

of that yellow sauce leftover?

- Mm-hmm, yep.

- Kind of wasted all of ours.

Um...

Yeah, I think, uh,

this move's gonna be great for us.

- Yeah.

- And great for us, Em.

We get to hang like the old times,

just the girls.

- Speaking of just the girls,

a couple of the moms from school

asked me out for a fun mom dinner.

- That sounds awful.

- Hey, it's a fun mom dinner.

How can it not be, you know, fun?

- Shut the f*** up, hon.

Which ones were they?

- One of them was named Jamie.

- I know her. I mean,

I don't "know" know her.

I follow her on Instagram.

She's a bit of an over-sharer.

- Seriously, Andrew? Jesus, I mean,

some wives would be pissed about this.

I think I'm just embarrassed for you. Here.

- Whoa.

- #sharedcustody?

# metime?

F***, if it's me time,

why feel the need to share it with us?

Who's the other mom?

- Melanie.

- Okay, that woman is bat-sh*t crazy.

I think she runs a fight club

in the Helping Hand yard.

- No, they're trying to be nice.

- You have to get out of it.

Just say Wyatt's sick or something.

- No, don't listen to her, Em.

And you should go too, babe.

- Honey, I think this is great.

You should make more friends,

you should, you know, widen your circle.

- Widen your circle?

- That's super sexual.

- Yeah, maybe it is sexual. So what?

- You're just gonna widen it,

take a look around.

- Oh! Speaking...

of sexual innuendo...

look what I found in the move.

- What is it?

- Oh, my God.

It's our sex questionnaire

from sophomore year.

- We answered every

question with Jake Ryan.

Yes! And it marked the birth

of the I Love Jake Club.

- The I love who?

- Jake Ryan from Sixteen Candles.

That was our movie.

Jake Ryan is like the perfect guy.

I've never heard

about any of this.

There were two presidents

and two members.

- You guys started a club

and there's only two people in it?

That's adorable and sad. Let me see this.

- Yeah, you two can't be in the club.

- What?!

- HEY-

- HEY-

- All yours.

You wanna watch a little John Oliver?

- No.

Oh, hey, would you mind taking Amelia

to school tomorrow so I can go work out?

- No... f***ing... way.

- What?

" Mommy!

- Hey, shhh, shhh, shhh...

Mommy's here.

Don't forget to go pee-pee.

Remember last time?

- Did you really just tell me to go pee-pee?

- I did.

- 'Cause I don't have to. I came prepared.

- Oh!

- Sam's pull-up is tight as f***!

- Oh, that is so wrong.

- You push out two more kids

and see if you don't need one.

Hey, what's going on with you?

Tom stuff again?

- No.

Yes.

- You seemed happy last night.

Please tell me you went home and

had drunk sex. Oh, please, hardly.

Tom has zero interest in sex. Forget sex.

I haven't had a hug in months.

- Oh.

- The last hug I got, I think,

was from Teacher Sherry.

Kind of felt a little something.

Okay, ladies, positions, please.

Come on, ladies, positions, please.

- We need to talk about this.

- Dinner tonight?

- I wanna see those knees to cheeks.

Five, six, seven, eight, and go down, down,

down, down, down, down!

That's it. Ugh!

- Good thing this is an overnight.

- Whoo!

Ooh, down, down, down! Ooh, higher!

Let me hear you say whoo!

- Whoo!

- Whoo!

- I do not get this.

Do you know how to do Instagram?

I'm stuck.

Hey, good timing.

I just got a text from Kate a minute ago

who's gonna be here in five, so...

- Oh, I texted Andrew.

We're gonna go hang out

over there for a bit.

- Oh, are you sure it's a good idea,

'cause it's a school night,

and you know if Wyatt falls asleep in

the car, he's never gonna transfer.

It will be great, babe.

The kids'll have fun.

Oh, fun, what a concept.

- No, you don't get to do

the "we never have fun anymore" thing.

I'm babysitting tonight

so you can go out and have fun.

- You're babysitting, Tom?!

- Yeah.

- It's not babysitting

when they're your kids.

- Yeah, it is.

- No, it's parenting.

- You're splitting hairs there,

but, yeah, sure, I mean, both.

- His green blanket is in the dryer.

Do not forget it if you go out.

You'll be so sorry.

Are you listening

to any of this right now?

- Come on. Uh, yeah, yeah,

the diaper and the, um,

the blankets, it's no problem.

- Okay.

- All right, you know what?

I need to take a quick shower.

- All right.

Good luck with that.

Have a good night.

- Okay.

Goodbye.

Good bye.

- But I was just thinking

I needed to take a quick shower.

- Please.

- What?

- Tell me you didn't do this.

- I kind Of did.

- Looks like your classic ambush move.

- That Emily is sneaky.

- I like her.

- I thought this was just gonna be

the two of us,

talking about you and Tom

and shitty life stuff.

- I know. I didn't wanna come alone.

I'm sorry I tricked you, okay?

I just wanted a night

where I am not thinking about Tom.

I need it

- Oprah? Gayle?

Care to open up your friendship circle?

Let's go, come on.

- One hour, that is it.

And you f***ing owe me.

- Come on.

- I love you.

- Melanie, you look hot.

- You look great.

- I mean, what else are we

supposed to bring to snack share?

I mean, we've got three kids

allergic to gluten, a tree nut,

two soys,

and that kid with the zipper thing?

- Oh, that kid is not allergic to zippers.

No f***ing way.

- But it's on the list.

- He's just scared of them.

That's more of an emotional allergy.

- Yes, I did the ROTC thing in college,

and I came this close to joining

the Armed Forces, you know?

I still think about it.

You cannot get me out of my 'tigues

on the weekends.

- I miss telling people at parties

that I was a lawyer, you know?

Except for I never went to parties, because

I never left the office before 9:00.

And then there was, like, the rare occasion

that I did make it home by bedtime,

and Amelia was calling her nanny "Mama."

- Now that Lexie is with Theo part of the

time, I actually have time to myself.

So I started consulting

with this engineering firm.

Plus I'm training for a half-marathon,

and I get to sleep -

and I'm talking real sleep.

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