Fun Mom Dinner Page #3

- That is why you look so good.

- Thank you. I appreciate that.

You know, she would never admit it,

but she was my saving grace.

Some of my friends got so weird

after I got separated.

You would not believe,

once you're single,

that these ladies do not want you

around their husbands.

I never saw it coming with my friends,

but not Melanie.

You were always

inviting me out all the time.

Sometimes, she even had to use brute

physical force to get me out of the house.

- That I believe.

- Oh, she speaks.

What should we talk about, Kate?

You know, so we're interesting to you.

I mean, we've all shared.

What's your deal?

- Melanie.

- God. That's a little harsh, don't you think?

- I don't, actually.

- Emily, I can speak for myself.

It's true. Don't wanna be here.

What can I say? I'm mom'd out.

First there were the moms

from when Lucas started school,

and then the Sam moms, more play dates,

more school meetings,

the juicing, the coffees.

I'm over it.

I don't wanna know what birthday parties

are being planned.

I don't give a f***

about the best Mommy and Me yoga

or Mommy and Me anything.

And I especially don't wanna hear

that super-cute thing their kid said, did,

wrote, or f***ing sang,

I mean, come on, you want me to go on?

- No, that's okay.

I think we got the idea.

But just for the record,

Melanie and I do not juice.

- I knew you were a b*tch. I knew it.

- Melanie, I'm sorry,

I know you don't like me

because I'm not engaged and involved in...

- No, no, no, no, no, no. My problem

with you isn't that you don't do sh*t

while the rest of us do the sh*t.

My problem with you

is that you walk around

like you're too good

to do any sh*t at all.

- You took my phone yesterday, for

fucksake! And my car wasn't even moving!

Jesus,

just admit you take stuff a little too far.

- When you admit you were texting and driving.

- I was buying milk!

A mother can never run out of milk!

- Come on.

- You know what?

This is bullshit, I'm done here.

Let's get the cheque.

- No, Melanie, come on.

No, no, no, don't go.

I love that you're a traffic-safety person.

- Thank you.

- Come on,

you don't wanna miss the tartufo.

- You're right. I'm not leaving.

I want my tartufo. And I want a scotch.

Because then you got your something sweet

and you got something to cut the sweet.

She should leave.

- Oh, with pleasure.

- Oh, uh...

she drove.

- No.

- Mel, this is not good. Come on,

we all have to see one another

at school tomorrow

and for the whole rest of the year.

Don't do this.

- Fine, but I cannot believe

I'm missing Forensic Files for this sh*t.

You know, order me a scotch.

Three fingers, one cube.

- Don't... even think about trying

to convince me to come back in.

- Don't worry.

I'm just gonna wait here a minute

and then tell them I couldn't find you.

What the hell is that?

- Something you could desperately use.

Here, peace pipe.

- So basically you just need

to choose the picture you want...

- Oh, my God. Jamie,

you matched with someone!

- I did?

- That's so exciting.

- Yikes. I don't know

if I'm ready for this.

Ah, dating at my age?

Why do all the men

look like weary grandpas?

- No, no, no, no, come on.

It's fun to look.

Let's start with looking.

He's cute.

- I used to smoke the doobage

from time to time.

Yeah, all right, I'll toke up.

But you're still a massive c*nt.

You know that, right?

I'm guessing you haven't

done this in a while.

Yeah, it's been like 15 years.

- Here's how it works in the 21st century.

See this?

- Yeah.

- You push it down.

- Okay. Okay.

Okay, now we're cooking with gas.

That's a friend I remember.

Wow. Maybe there's more to you

than being just a big a**hole.

- Wait, I'm confused.

Am I an a**hole or a c*nt?

Because there is a big difference

between the two.

- True.

Although sometimes in the dark

my husband can't tell.

- Have you heard anything about a...

fight club on the Helping Hand yard?

- Huh? No. I never heard about that.

- You know, never mind.

- Hi.

- Hey.

- What'd we miss?

- Good evening.

- Good evening.

- Oh, we're gonna need a bigger boat.

- Yeah, I think we need one more of, uh...

everything.

- Everyone.

- Everything.

- Thank you. This one's mine.

- I'm so glad we're doing this.

Emily acted like it was gonna be so hard

to bring the kids over here.

- Yeah, man, totally.

Kate gets like that too sometimes,

like super wound up about stuff.

Just pay no mind.

- Yeah.

Oh, what's going on, buddy?

Oh, okay.

All right.

- He wants his blankie.

- Blankie?

His blankie?

His blankie.

Oh, f***.

- Marijuana makes me really paranoid,

but I'll take a little puff.

Yeah, Jamie.

- Pass that. There's something so classic

about a perfectly rolled joint.

- Mm, yeah.

- I like to go old school sometimes,

with a classic Brazilian bikini wax.

- Brazilian's retro now?

- Oh, not even. They're like totally out.

- What?

- You think that's crazy?

Check out this. Look at this.

- I'm hungry.

- This is crazy. Vajazzling.

- Oh, my God!

- Whoa.

- Very popular now.

- Wait. She shaves off all the hair

on her vagina God's given her

and takes a handful of crystals

and some Elmer's Glue

and sprinkles up a little design?

Is that what she does?

What kind of woman wants sand

on her vagina...

What are you doing in there?

I see a lot of feet.

- I got it.

Hi. How are you?

What a cute little outfit.

Is it your birthday?

- Are you smoking in here?

- Of course we're not smoking.

- You know what? I think the manager

would like to know what's going on.

- Hey, wait a minute.

I have an idea.

How about we send an ice-cream sundae

over to your table?

You know, like a little surprise

for keeping a secret?

- I want a steak.

- Damn.

- New York Strip, medium rare.

And a coke.

- Fine.

- Fine.

Great talking to you.

- That little girl is f***ing intense!

If that's what I'm missing out on,

then, no, thank you.

Oh, no. Did we do that?

- Oh, shoot!

- Oh, my God!

- Okay! Oh, my God!

- Let's go through the back.

We don't wanna get caught in here!

- Oh, my God!

- Do you hear that? Are those sirens?

- Ladies, I believe

this is a dine-and-dash situation.

Let's move out!

If we're staying out later,

I gotta text my hubby.

- Oh, good idea. And I'll text Andrew

and he can tell Tom.

- Okay-

Better stop dreaming of the quiet life

'Cause it's the one we'll never know

And quit running for that runaway bus

'Cause those rosy days are few

And stop apologizing...

Oh, wait! Ladies, ladies, hold up, hold up.

Come here. Ladies, quick question.

Do you mind if we make a quick pit stop?

I love me some Walgreens.

You're gonna love it,

too, because guess what.

Boom, I got a

motherfucking gift card!

- Hey, bud, see?

This is the same colour as your blankie.

Maybe that works. What do you think?

Nope. Okay. I think we have to go, man.

- Daddy, you promised I could watch it.

Please, please, please!

- I know, honey. I'm sorry.

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