Fun Mom Dinner Page #4

- You know what, man? I got an idea.

Hey, come with me.

This way, please.

- Where are we going?

- Step right up", to the magic swing set.

Right in here, my man.

- It's all right, buddy.

- Bring him on in. May I?

- Sure. What are you doing?

- Don't question me. I got four of these.

That's what I thought.

- I have two.

- I got myself involved in the swing set.

Can I have that, please? Thank you.

I know.

Can I just give you one tip?

You might wanna get yourself

like a soft, fuzzy blanket,

instead of this piece-of-sh*t towel.

- Yeah, I forgot the blanket.

And that's your towel, by the way.

- Oh. Well, then we have disgusting towels.

All right, watch and learn.

Watch.

- What?

Whoa. Whoa.

That is f***ing incredible.

She's driving away

With the dim lights on

- Oh, hey, here's our car. I sprang for an

SUV, 'cause I'm a bad-ass b*tch like that.

- Yeah!

- You got us a car? Why?

- Uh, to get around?

- No, no, it's good, all right?

We're gonna leave the

crime scene to cool out.

We're gonna leave the

cars there to deflect.

And that's our little Katie right there,

'cause, whoo, yeah, you got our six!

- I don't even know what you're

talking about! What the f***'s a six?

- Oh, come on, that's military jargon, right?

- Okay.

- Yeah, six is back.

Katie, you got our six, girl.

- Roger that, you crazy c*nt.

- Yeah, I'm a crazy c*nt.

Wow.

- Guys, I got a bad feeling

about getting in these things.

You hear about these guys,

they ride around all day,

and they pick up the last ride

and just snap like crazy.

- They do not.

- It happens all the time.

- Stop-

- Man, Jamie, you weren't messing around

when you said you get paranoid.

- I know. And the problem is,

I always had Theo with me when I got high.

He took care of me when I started

to get like this. He was like my person.

- I'm gonna be your person.

You don't have to worry.

I got you, girl.

- Thank you.

- It's okay.

- That was a fun night, you guys.

- Em, there's no f***ing way

I'm doing bedtime tonight.

- I mean, if I am staying out with you

gals, I need to get more supplies.

- Ooh, I better stay out here.

I'm done with that stuff.

- No, we're sticking together.

Like sister-wives.

Come on, don't worry about it.

It's like Crabtree & Evelyn, but with weed.

- All right.

- For fucksake, Wayne,

you know who I am.

Now please, just play nice.

I have brought friends with me.

- Oh, very nice.

Ladies, my name is Wayne.

I am your marijuana sommelier

for the evening.

Oh, and here's Brady.

- My ears are burning.

- He's my partner.

- Hey, Kate!

- Brady! How are you?

- Thanks for coming in.

Hi, guys-

- Hey.

- Hey, look, anything you want, we've got

it. If we don't have it, we'll grow it.

If we can't grow it, we're gonna get it

from some factory in some Godforsaken land.

- You know what, you know what?

I think we should set them up with our

selection of stuff that's for mothers,

'cause, you know, we love the mothers.

- We love our mothers.

- Pfft.

- Sounds good.

- Let's begin with this one.

I think you might enjoy.

It's Ruth Bader Ganja.

- You guys fans of Supreme Court justices?

- Oh, yeah.

- Well, you might've heard

of Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

It's now Ruth Bader Ganja.

- Ruth Bader Ganja.

We were playing around

with John Stevens for a while,

but we couldn't really think

of anything for that.

- But for you I think it's very good,

because it will get you...

supremely high.

- But at the same time, you'll still

be able to mediate family disputes,

or decide on what you

might be cooking or...

- It's also a really fun weed

when you need to concentrate.

You can build a castle out of Legos.

You can play

with Calico Critters all night.

- Shopkins, and you have

total concentration.

- We put just a pinch

of Adderall in there,

which gives you just that

extra dash of focus.

- What?

- Yeah. It'd be cool if you didn't say anything,

just because it's, you

know, it's very illegal.

- But maybe can we talk about edibles?

- Oh.

- Oh, absolutely. Which, by the way,

reminds me, do any of you have glaucoma?

If so, we are giving away

some free gummy worms.

- I have glaucoma.

- Oh, excellent!

- You have glaucoma?

- Oh, you're gonna love these...

- You do not have glaucoma!

- Oh, wait, you're kidding.

You don't have glaucoma.

No, I get it.

You guys are so our speed.

- Yeah.

- 'Cause you play around,

you can joke, you have a good...

- We do the same thing.

We joke around each other even at home.

- It's so crazy.

People don't even get our humour.

- And the wives are,

like:
"What the f***...

- you guys talking about?"

- That's why we...

- Don't hang out with them much,

but these are really good.

These are called Good Night Moons. You

know the children's book, Good Night Moon?

- Of course.

- Obviously. And then what mother doesn't?

- And we went ahead and added the S.

You know, Good Night Moons.

- Moons.

- This is delicious.

- Wayne.

Somebody's discovered our balls.

We make those here.

- Oh, I like it.

- It will f*** you up. It's really intense.

- You know how you have

that concentrated detergent.

"This one little thimbleful

for the whole washer?"

But, yeah,

because it's that concentrated.

- How much of your own products

do you get your little paws into?

- Oh, we don't smoke.

- I don't do it.

- Are you kidding me?

- No.

- My only addiction is Mad Men.

Oh, forget it.

- He loves it.

- Every week. Forget it.

- Tom. Tom, you got to see this.

Kate's partying with the school moms.

It's on the bubble-bath chick's Instagram.

- You know, it really is embarrassing

that you follow her.

- Yeah. I know. And it's embarrassing

that she doesn't follow me back.

Okay, I gave Amelia a

five-minute warning.

Oh, oh, grab that

door, grab that door!

- What?

- Ah!

Uh... it locks when it's not supposed to.

That's my fault. I should've told you.

We are momentarily locked out.

- What do you mean,

momentarily locked out?

- Momentarily.

- We keep a spare down here

in one of those fake-dog-poop things.

Why don't we just do this?

Why don't we just let them

finish their movie in there,

and me and you

will chill out here with Wyatt?

- Oh, yeah, well, actually, I was hoping

to get the kids home before Emily got back.

- Oh, well, Kate texted and said

they were gonna stay out later.

- What?

- Oh.

I think I'm supposed to tell you that.

Okay. Yeah, sure.

- Mm...

I haven't licked a ball in a decade.

It got you your divorce.

Do not tell me you still

blow your husbands.

- I never blew Theo. I mean,

maybe for like a minute on his birthday.

- And divorce.

- Sometimes it's just easier, you know,

like a quick one during

a commercial break of Kimmel.

Andrew's psyched and I don't have

to have him lying all over me.

I hear that, sister.

My preference is Antiques Roadshow.

There's no commercials,

but I just pop down there.

Me blowing those nuts.

I'm back in time

for the Ming Dynasty office.

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