Fun Mom Dinner Page #5

- Oh, Lord, well,

just imagine having to be single again.

It's all back on the table for me now.

What if I have to do anal again?

- Again?

- Look at it this way.

Maybe you'll meet the guy

that makes you wanna do anal... again.

- Thank God I never did.

- Emily's one of those rare angels

who actually married

the first guy she had sex with.

- What?! No f***ing way!

- No, I didn't. Come on.

- Don't hit me! It's true!

- No, I was young.

- You guys, I think we're being followed.

We're being followed.

Do you hear the footsteps?

- Yeah, ours.

- I think you've had one too many licks.

How about we get a drink over there,

cool out for a bit?

- Okay, let's do that.

- Oh, we got a runner!

- Sh*t.

- Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Oh, wow.

You have beautiful,

beautiful bone structure.

- Thank you.

How about a Coke?

- Oh, no. Actually, I was gonna get a

vodka-and-tonic, because it's transparent.

That way if some weirdo tries to slip something

in it, I can see it to protect myself.

- Okay, how about a Sprite?

Also transparent. See? Look at that.

- I'd love a Glenlivit, one cube. Thank you.

- Glenlivit, one cube.

- And can we grab two house whites?

- House whites, all right.

Here you go. All right.

Let me guess...

Mom's night out?

- Again?

- Oh, come on.

- Should we be offended you would

immediately assume that we're all moms?

- No. You should be flattered.

- It says MOMS.

- Yeah, I got two of them.

- Oh.

- Good eye, by the way.

Usually people don't notice that.

- I got a thing for details.

It's like a bad lawyer habit.

I'm Emily.

- Luke.

- Luke as in...

this your place, Luke?

- That's me.

- Cool.

A little help over here?

- Excuse me, ladies.

- Okay.

- What's gotten to you, Em?

- Wine.

- Weed.

I am so sorry

that I tricked you into tonight.

- Ah, you know what? I hate to admit it,

but I'm having a great time.

- It's kind of a perfect night, right?

- You know what would make it

even more perfect,

would be if Jake Ryan

just like wandered in here.

- Oh, God, Jake Ryan.

- Oh!

I love that guy!

Sixteen Candles.

- For me that was all about

Anthony Michael Hall.

- What?

- Farmer Ted. Ugh!

- What?

- Yeah, I love his little fuss.

- You do not!

- I do! I can't help myself.

- Oh, my God!

- Put him right in there, bounce him around.

- No, I have to say, for me,

Jake Ryan, he was my ideal.

He ruined romance for me. Honestly.

- It's true, because no guy

could ever live up to him.

No guy ever will live up to him.

- Well, he's a character in a movie.

- I always liked Some Kind of Wonderful.

- Some Kind of Wonderful. Yes.

Eric Stoltz, Lea Thompson...

- No, Eric Stoltz, Mary Stuart Masterson.

- Yes! God, I can't believe

I forgot that! Yes!

God, Mary Stuart

had that killer little haircut.

- Super cute.

- She was so cool. I just wanted to be her.

Excuse me?

Can I get a drink, please?

- Check you out.

- Don't judge.

- Oh, lam not.

I mean, a little bit of male attention

might be just what you need tonight.

- How do you feel

about two delicious ice-cold beverages?

- Yeah, all right.

- I brewed that myself.

In the shed.

Let me know if you get

just a hint of bacon in there.

- Whoa. That's, uh...

- Right?

- That's a lot of bacon.

- Oh, a lot of bacon.

- This is like a, um...

some sort of like a bacon... juice thing?

- That's beer. What do you mean?

- Beer?

- Yes, you dick. I brewed this beer.

- It's gray.

- Did you really not know

that this was beer?

- Can you carbonate it?

Is that part of a different process?

- This is all great feedback.

- You want me to keep going?

- No, no, no.

I think I got your gist of it.

These girls are having a blast.

- What... what is it?

- They keep posting to Insta.

- Well, Emily's certainly having a blast.

Who's that?

- I think they're just

having some drinks, man.

And if I know Kate,

she's super stoned by now.

That guy looks like a bartender.

They're having fun.

- Fun. She has this whole thing

about f***ing fun.

We don't have... fun anymore,

like we never have fun.

- What do you think?

You think you guys are fun?

- Well, I mean, you know,

I'm... pretty stressed out,

you know... generally, I guess.

- What?!

What are you talking about?

Don't say that about yourself.

- All right.

Well, look, I'm running, like,

11 different projects at work,

and on the phone,

dealing with like building codes

and contractors and a**hole clients

in like five states.

- That f***ing blows.

- Yeah.

So, you know, when I get home,

I... don't wanna deal with anyone.

- Right.

- And honestly, neither does she.

- F***.

- Yeah.

It's not the high point of

our relationship. Yeah.

Look, man, I think that you guys

need to cut yourself a break

while you're still in the trenches

and the kids are so young.

You know, try to just laugh

at some of the bullshit

and not be angry at each other,

like, all the time.

- So, like, lower the bar?

- Yeah. Like...

just a bit.

- You're really lowering the bar.

- Just keep it realistic.

- You can dig a hole and put the bar in it.

- Not that... Yeah, not that low.

- I need a lot of room, though,

because I tend to do this a lot.

- That's good.

- I just keep doing it,

and doing it and doing it.

- Just don't... Okay.

- That's a gorgeous beer.

- Oh...

Now the reason we're here

As man and woman

- You are so resourceful.

- Mm...

- I mean, our philosophy is,

if we can stay

pretty much into each other,

three or four months out of the year

while keeping our kids alive,

teaching them

to be semi-decent human beings...

- Right.

- We're golden.

- Huh.

Now, those three or four months,

are they, like,

spread throughout the year,

or are those consecutive?

- Spread throughout the year.

- Okay.

- I'm getting so many likes

from my rose-budding post.

A lot of new friend requests, too,

but weird ones like Hard4Buttz.

ButtKing343,

AssMeAnything.

- Okay, Jamie, let me see this post.

Okay. Do you know what rose-budding is?

- When you throw the roses...

- Not exactly.

I think you should take this post down and

don't accept any of these friend requests,

because these people are not your friends.

- I'm so tired all the time. We both are.

It sounds like a joke, but it's not.

I literally can fall asleep

while I'm pooping on the toilet.

- Okay, well, this isn't a joke.

I would like you to teach me

how to do that.

- Okay. Well, this is gonna sound weird.

I would love to.

Oh, wait, wait.

It's my mother-in-law.

- Please don't answer

and kill this sweet buzz.

- Never.

- This is so fun.

- Oh, f***, trust me.

- I love Halloween candy.

- Yeah, and you guys stock up early, huh?

- Actually...

these are the kids' from last year.

- One time, Theo, his mom and I

were sitting on the couch watching a movie.

I was massaging Theo's

back and his shoulders,

and all of a sudden I feel something.

It was his mom's hand.

She was rubbing his back, too.

We were both massaging him

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