Fun Mom Dinner Page #6

at the same time.

- Oh, my God!

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

- So awkward!

- F***ing sick!

What is it with mothers and their sons?!

- Check this out.

You see this?

I got this last Thanksgiving

fighting with my mother-in-law

over who was gonna make

the cranberry sauce.

That woman has got

lifeless eyes, black eyes,

American Girl Doll

Jess McConnell eyes.

- Oh!

- Jersey Shore, 2002.

- Yeah?

- Andrew's mom stepped on me

with her old-lady jelly mules

trying to be the first

to lay out his f***ing beach towel.

- Okay, ladies, here's what I figured out.

You're not gonna like this sh*t.

But we are all gonna end up

just like our mothers-in-laws.

- No f***ing way.

- Mm-hmm.

F***ing way, f***ing way. I'm telling you,

I'm gonna be all over my William.

I can already tell. I can!

I love that kid so much!

F*** his wife. I raised him,

I earned that sh*t.

- Yeah, well, try having four.

- Believe me.

- As far as I'm concerned, they can move in

with their future wives anytime now.

- Oh, you think so? You say that now,

but I'm gonna tell you, mark my words,

we are all gonna be inappropriately

massaging our grown sons.

- Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

- What?

Show me.

- Oh, God!!

- Jamie just looked up rose-budding.

- Delete.

- That is f***ing disgusting!

- It's an anus.

- Okay, Tom.

I think I'm ready

to share something with you

that might just help

with that Emily situation.

It's a little trick that I call

"Two Cs a Day."

Have you heard of that?

- No. What?

- Cs like compliments?

- So you give Kate

two compliments every day?

- That's right.

So, for example, I'll do one C

like straight out of the gate.

I'll do a C about usually

her physical appearance, you know.

Like, what she's wearing or how she looks,

something like that.

But you wanna try to use

the words "beautiful,"

or "hot," or "sexy,"

something like that.

Don't ever say "nice" or "pretty."

They don't like that.

Then, later on in the day,

I try to follow up with another C,

but this is more

of an appreciation C,

"How am I so lucky

to be in this with you?"

You know, but super sincere.

The thing is,

I'm starting to feel

a little bit guilty about it,

because I'm now getting

so much out of it.

- Like blowj*b?

- Yeah, like blowj*bs.

- Really?

- Yeah, while I'm watching Kimmel.

- Whoa.

Where did you get this idea?

- We had a big fight and she was, like:

"I don't feel like

you even appreciate me.

Why don't you say one nice thing

to me every single day?"

- Okay, all right.

So your big, like, genius plan

is something that your wife

told you to do?

- No, she said one a day,

I upped it to two.

- All right. Come clean, newbie.

- Whatever do you mean?

- Wow, clearly you were an extra

on Cocktail, Tom Cruise.

- Close. I tended bar, summer of '99,

the Yacht Club on Lake Michigan.

- Wow.

- Our signature drink:

Summer on the Shore. For you.

- That's a pretty good G&T.

You make this for your husband

when he comes walking through the door?

- Not lately.

- Oh, excuse me.

- What? No, not again.

God, I'm gonna kill them.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

boys and girls,

please direct your

attention to centre stage,

because, yes, it is that

time:
Karaoke Hour.

Karaoke Hour!

All right.

- This one is for you... and your friends.

Moms, you're on!

- Oh, sh*t.

Oh!

- F***, yeah.

- Come on, you nailed it.

Let's go.

Whoo!

Remember this?

Very well.

We got this, we got this, we got this.

Von 99 Luftballons

Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont

Hielt man fur UFOs aus dem all

Darum schickte ein general

Eine fliegerstaffel hinterher

Alarm zu geben wenn es so war

Dabei war da am Horizont

Nur 99 Luftballons

- Jamie, come here!

- Mel, get up here, baby.

- Give me some English

so I can read this sh*t.

99 Decision Street

99 ministers meet

To worry worry super scurry

Call the troops out in a hurry

This is what we've waited for

This is it boys this is war

The president is on the line

As 99 red balloons go by

- But, yeah, if I'm gonna get khakis,

I want them to be, like, a nice tan...

- They have... You can get them anywhere.

- Dad! What are you doing out here?

- Hey, honey...

- Can you guys grab the door closed?

Too late.

- We're hungry.

Hey, let me grab that

spare key real quick.

All right. How was

the movie, guys?

- It was awesome.

- It was okay.

- Nope, this is not it. Dammit.

- What?

- F***. That's real poop.

That's not fake.

- So what are you saying,

that we're locked out?

- Yeah, Tom, we're locked out,

but what's more important

is we don't own a dog!

- Okay.

- Sam, did you do this?

Gross.

- Okay.

- Right? Come on!

- Yeah.

- Where's a fake piece of poop

when you need it?

- Dude, this is not good.

So you're saying

that we're actually locked out,

like for sure?

- Tom, calm down.

It's gonna be fine, all right?

I'm pretty good in a crisis.

Watch this.

Guys! Guys!!!

Oh, no!!

Oh, no, we're locked out!!

We're locked out!!

What are we gonna do?!

Well, your dad and I

are gonna protect you, okay?!

So don't worry, don't worry!

The bad news is,

we're locked out until Mom gets home!

Oh! But the good news is...

we got candy.

- Yay!!

- Lots of candy!

- Okay, guys, this is my second move.

It's called the "Oh, no, Romeo."

I'm out on the dance floor.

I'm grinding with my girls.

I'm doing my thing. I look good.

He comes up behind me,

he wraps his arm around me.

I say, "Oh, no, Romeo!

Stop, elbow, go!"

- Oh, no, Romeo!

Pow!

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

- Oh! Hey.

All right.

I'm good.

- Are you okay?

- I'm good. This...

- I'm sorry about that.

- Oh, you don't have nothing

to be sorry about.

That felt good in a way.

- That's the "Oh, no, Romeo." Yeah.

- So where are you taking me?

- Truth?

- Please.

- Good to get outside sometimes.

Get away from the bar,

get some fresh air. You know...

- It's really a nice night.

Good breeze.

You're very cute,

you're very funny,

and you're very smart.

And I'll have you know,

I take my breaks very seriously.

But I had a feeling about you

and I'm just happy

that you came out with me tonight.

And I apologize in advance for this.

This is a disgusting, terrible habit.

Don't judge me.

- Oh, God, are you kidding me?

No. Before kids,

a cigarette and a glass of wine at night

was, like...

- Look, we can relive

your old glory days right now.

Nobody's watching.

We're out here by ourselves. I won't tell.

- Oh, God.

I shouldn't.

It's been years.

- Yeah, you're probably right.

It's not a great look to be smoking a cigarette

and pushing a stroller down the street.

Although it's kind of sexy

in like a f***ed-up '70s kind of way.

- You're funny.

- Ooh, you don't have a lighter

by chance, do you?

- Do I have a lighter?

- Oh, you know what?

That's a dumb question.

Of course you don't.

- So... what about you?

You ever have any kids?

Ever been married?

- Nah.

I came close... to both,

but I just think the lifestyle

I was leading in the bar,

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