Fun with Dick and Jane Page #2

a responsible aerospace executive.

Who would have known you were

the Typhoid Mary of high finance.

If I'd have consulted you,

I wouldn't have lost my job.

If you think you can do better,

take over.

It would be hard

to do it any worse.

Go ahead, be my guest.

It's all yours.

My very thought.

And my first act as director

of family economics...

...is to put you on an allowance.

- On a what?

What kind of lunatic spends $ 1000 on

lunch when he's out of a job and in debt?

The kind that knows you can't

get a job if you look like a loser.

If I was Diners Club, I'd bronze your

stomach and put it in the hall of fame.

Point number two.

Your job is to get on the food stamp

program, look for work in your field...

Excuse me, why don't I get a "job" job?

Like a busboy or a waiter?

If we're not too proud

to go on welfare...

- We can't afford it.

- Can't afford it?

You earn more money on unemployment

than you could in any of those jobs.

My job is to get a "job" job.

- You're gonna get a job?

- Yes. Incredible as it may seem.

May I ask... No offense, mind you.

What do you think you're qualified to do?

Secretary of the treasury

seems to be filled.

- There must be lots of things I can do.

- You never worked a day in your life.

You can't type,

and you can't take shorthand.

I'm a college graduate.

Reasonably intelligent.

Not altogether unattractive.

Yes, but will you be happy

being a hooker?

The only jobs you consider me

qualified for are secretary and hooker.

You're not qualified to be a secretary.

What an interview.

Don't take it too hard, honey.

It's only the first time.

Take it too hard?

I start on Monday.

That's wonderful.

- The line ends after me, mister.

- Sorry.

- That's a pretty nice suit, mister.

- Thank you.

You've got some nerve

coming here dressed like that.

People in here need this money.

This ain't no damn joy ride.

Hey, you're Mr. Harper, aren't you?

Taft Aerospace.

I'm Raoul Esteban. Remember?

I was in the Taft Maintenance Division.

I used to do your office.

- Sure, Raoul. Nice to see you.

- How you doing, man?

Hey, they canned you too, huh?

It's more complicated than that.

- First time in here?

- Damn right.

Man, are you in luck.

I'm gonna take care of you.

- Mi casa, su casa. You know?

- Sure.

First thing, you're in the wrong line.

- Wrong line.

- I'm gonna lose my place here.

Information, they make you wait

in line two hours.

All they do is tell you

to fill out one of these.

I'm gonna take care of you,

no problem.

I'm going to have an operation

in a month.

You know, the operation.

And my analyst said I should

start making the adjustment.

And, well, that's why they fired me.

For wearing a most demure gray maxi

with a matching cashmere twin set.

- It's here in the letter from my analyst.

- Let me check this out.

Maybe we should pick another line,

what do you say?

Listen, man, it's no sweat.

They ain't gonna hassle you.

Look what your card says.

Aerospace executive.

Yeah, but I'm not that anymore.

In here, man, you are what you were.

You're gonna get 104 bucks a week.

All I get is 50.

You're top guy around here.

They ain't gonna mess

with a guy like you. No problem.

Why do I have to see the supervisor?

It's all so simple.

I'm sorry.

All right. Shoot.

I've seen some fruits in my day,

but he really takes the cake, huh?

Not really.

Come on. That's the flamingest

f*ggot I've ever seen.

In the first place, he's a transsexual.

Not a fruit, not a fag,

not even a homosexual.

He has the mind, soul and desires

of a woman imprisoned in a man's body.

Now, what can I do for you, sir?

- Thank you.

- Oh, God.

Good night.

Do you resent it that I got a job?

Don't be silly.

You shouldn't feel threatened...

Look, I don't resent you getting a job.

I'm thrilled you got a job.

I can tell by your shouting.

I'm shouting because I've got

an interview at 9 in the morning...

...about food stamps,

and I'd like to get some sleep.

Or maybe, now that you've conquered

the business world, we don't need them.

I thought you were going today

to get food stamps.

Jane, you just don't get food stamps.

You don't come in off the street

and say, "I'd like food stamps"...

...and they give you some.

It happens to be a very difficult

and complicated process.

- I'm sure you can handle it, sweetie.

- I don't know.

You getting this job

may have screwed up our eligibility.

Spot, will you shut up.

It's all politics, man. You don't

have to worry about it. Come on.

Yeah. So?

A guy comes to your house...

Wait a second.

A guy comes to my house?

He wants to see

where you got to cook...

...and if you're telling the truth about

how many people you got living there.

All right.

A guy comes to my house.

First, you fill out the forms.

Tell him about the forms.

What about the forms?

Then, you get to buy vouchers,

which you take to a place that sells...

Are they putting me on?

Hey, you wanna know

how to get food stamps, right?

We're trying to explain.

What do you think,

it's dinner for two at Trader Vic's?

All right. So after the visits

and after the forms, how much do I get?

Excuse me. I'm going to explain.

Now, you gonna put down

you got just one wife and one kid?

Yeah. Any of you guys

got more than one wife?

Give him the one wife and kid.

One wife and one kid.

And you're getting

your unemployment now, right?

- How much do I get?

- You get 108 bucks worth a month.

Imigracin!

Come on! Let's go!

Something I said?

No, just immigration police

coming in to check things out.

Hey, Francisco,

dos cervezas, por favor.

Okay, Poncho,

let's see your immigration card.

Don't play games. Your card.

Hey, he's an aerospace executive.

He sends people to the moon.

Yeah, and I'm Flash Gordon.

Tarjeta de imigracin.

Tarjeta de imigracin?

What are you, crazy?

- You got those beers?

- Buddy, you're going downtown.

I'm not your buddy,

and I don't speak Spanish.

- That's what they all say.

- Because I said cerveza and por favor?

Everybody says por favor.

How about "vaya con Dios"?

Paula, I don't have the same shoes.

Honey, they're always

sending mismatches.

- Where are the falsies?

- In the box over there on the chair.

Just stick this in your heel.

That ought to do it.

And don't worry. After all, modeling

is nothing more but organized walking.

Hey, you're on. Come on.

I'm terribly sorry.

How much is this, please?

- $ 185.

- 185.

Miss. Miss.

How much is this dress?

It's a nightgown. I don't know

anyway, though. I'm sorry.

You don't know? What a klutz.

Who is she?

Some friend

of the fashion coordinator's.

Hello, Jane.

Oh, my God, Dick!

What have you done?

A guy named Jim Weeks

is coming to lunch.

He wants to talk to me about a job.

- Where did you get the money?

- I've got friends.

We'll tell him you're on a diet.

Why don't we tell him

you're on a diet?

This is not fun, Jane.

This is serious.

Do you really think

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