Fun with Dick and Jane Page #3

he'll offer you a job?

As long as he thinks I don't need one.

I know those bastards.

That's funny. That's funny.

What are you gonna do?

- Okay, what is it?

- An Eskimo peeing.

An Eskimo peeing.

Jane, it's absolutely lovely.

I just wish you could have

joined us, that's all.

Is that funny.

Could we have some coffee

in the living room?

Certainly.

- Shall we repair, Jim?

- I think that's a hell of an idea.

- That's very funny.

- Make yourself comfortable.

Thank you.

I love your house.

It's solid. It's a real home.

Not too much.

Thank you, Jim.

- We like it.

- Thank you.

It does tend to grow

a little confining. You know?

Oh, I do. I do. I do.

Look, Dick, I'm not going

to beat around the bush with you.

We like you.

- We like your style.

- Thank you, Jim.

- We like your mind.

- Thank you.

But we can't pay you the money

you've been getting at Taft.

Not in straight salary, that is.

Thirty thou.

That's our top.

Thirty, eh?

Gee, I don't know, Jim.

Well, if you play ball with us,

the sky is the limit.

It's attractive, Jim.

It's damn attractive.

I got several irons in the fire now,

and I'd like to think about it.

- I can think about it?

- Sure. Think about it.

I'm not trying to rush you.

I wouldn't dream of it.

I'd like to consider

the complete picture.

Sure, consider the complete picture,

but printed circuits, not rocket ships.

Collecting and storing information right

here on mother earth. That's the future.

And any man with a thought...

...about industry in 10 years' time...

Any man thinking about tomorrow

will say goodbye to aerospace today.

- What are you doing?

- I'm closing the shutters.

Why don't you take Mr. Weeks

to see the backyard.

- Backyard?

- Open up the door, Mrs. Harper...

... or we're gonna huff and puff and

we're gonna blow your house down.

We want the indoor plants, deadbeat.

Plants ain't free just because

they grow on trees, deadbeat.

- I know you're in there, deadbeat.

- Excuse me, Jim.

You can't buy a rubber plant

with a rubber check, Harper.

I know you're in there, deadbeat.

- What the hell's going on here?

- We've come for our plants.

I'm having a meeting.

You can't come in now.

I can't? Okay, Tippy.

Excuse me.

"Jane," she asked,

"would you care for a cognac?"

"Yes, thank you very much.

I'd like one desperately."

Watch it, lady.

Hey, lgo, could you do something

about that tree?

Yes, sir.

Afternoon, Harper.

Hello, Nesbitt.

The wind's been kicking up your yard

and blowing it into our windows.

I'm going to seed it.

You're having a garage sale?

Yeah. Odds and ends.

Dclass, Harper.

Trs dclass.

It brings all the riffraff in the

neighborhood. You know what I mean.

Hey, man, the opera's

coming to town next Tuesday.

So what?

So 40 bucks a night, man. Cash.

Can you sing?

Hell, no! All you do is stand around

while they sing.

Sometimes, you carry a spear,

or hold the elephant.

It's real easy, man.

Excuse me, Nesbitt.

Private matter to discuss.

- What about unemployment?

- We don't tell them, man.

- Suppose they find out?

- How are they gonna find out?

They pay us in cash. There's no papers.

No way they're gonna find out.

You mean I'm gonna be

a welfare chiseler?

Hey, hey! A welfare chiseler is just

some bum who doesn't wanna work.

We wanna work.

Yeah, but the rules say you can't

work and collect unemployment.

You can't always go by the rules.

There are times to run heavy numbers.

"When in the course of human events..."

You know?

How about guys

like Rockefeller and Dupont?

Think they let a few crummy rules

stand in the way?

That's the whole enchilada

that made this country great, man.

- I never thought of it like that.

- You'd better start.

I ain't no deadbeat welfare chiseler,

and neither are you.

- I'm sorry.

- That's okay, man.

Cool it. Cool it. Cool it.

Cool it. That's enough.

Wait a minute.

So you didn't work last week,

Mr. Harper?

- That's right.

- That's funny.

I caught your gypsy act

the other night. Divine.

Too bad I won't see you

for three years.

No unemployment for three years.

I can't believe it.

Look on the positive side.

They could have sent you to jail.

Unemployment's the only thing we had.

What am I gonna tell Jane?

I wouldn't tell her.

- Hello, dear.

- Hi, Mom, how are you?

We're just fine, dear.

It's so nice to see you.

How thoughtful of you.

Well, your father's waiting to see you.

- Hi, Dad.

- Jane brought us some flowers, dear.

Hello, Jane.

- Would you like a cup of tea, dear?

- No, thanks, Mom.

Over here.

I discussed your phone call with your

mother yesterday, after I hung up.

"What does she want to see us about?"

- Didn't I say that, Mother?

- Yes.

Something you couldn't discuss

over the phone, you said.

- Yes. That's right, Dad. l...

- Well...

...I narrowed it down

to three possibilities:

Health, emotion or money.

Let's take health.

Is there someone ill?

No, I ruled that out myself.

I distinctly remember asking...

...about everyone's health,

and your answer was positive.

Without hesitation.

Which brings us to...

...emotion.

At your age, a euphemism for divorce.

Well, you never came to see us

to talk about marrying him...

...so why should you come

to talk about divorcing him?

No, a divorce can be handled

in a phone call.

So...

...it's money.

You're broke. That's it, isn't it?

Who ever said Sherlock Holmes

was dead, eh, Mom?

I was right, Mother, they're broke.

Dick hasn't had a job in

over three months, Dad.

Why didn't you tell us before, dear?

We were sure he could get a job

and didn't want to worry you.

I unloaded my aerospace stock the day

they landed on the moon. I knew...

...that was the peak.

I was right.

It's a depressed industry.

Depressed and depressing.

- I was right about the stocks.

- You certainly were.

Jane...

...l'll make it easier for you.

You've come here to borrow

money, haven't you?

Yes, Dad.

Well, I'd love to help you.

I really would.

But I can't. I'm just opposed to

borrowing or lending on principle.

Self-reliance. It's like a...

...religious thing to me.

Ralph Waldo Emerson.

He's like my God.

- "Need breaks iron." That's what he said.

- Well, it certainly broke us, Dad.

I told Mother that both of you have

been living far beyond your means.

Nothing, just nothing at all

set aside for a rainy day.

All right.

It's the monsoon season...

...and you're standing

outside in torn raincoats.

Come through this by yourselves...

...and you'll be dry

for the rest of your lives.

Take money from me and you'll be wet.

Soaking wet from now on. Jane...

...it's the best thing

that could happen.

Especially for Dick.

I'm so happy for both of

you. Especially for Dick.

What about Billy?

When I was his age, Mr. Nostic

gave me my first paper route.

I've heard that story already.

Dad, Billy is doing homework

by candlelight.

Splendid. So did Abraham Lincoln.

How are you both doing?

Never better. Jane...

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