Fun with Dick and Jane Page #4

...we have sowed all of our

lives, and we're now...

...reaping the harvest. Reap!

Reap! Reap!

I seem to feel a monsoon dripping in.

It was nice to see you again, Dad.

- Bye, Mom.

- Goodbye, dear.

You tell Dick that he's a lucky man.

Not everybody gets

a real chance to be tested.

You tell him that I'm jealous.

- I'm sure he'll be really thrilled, Dad.

- Don't forget to tell him I'm jealous too.

So long.

Bye-bye.

- Mister, you got problems.

- Why do you think we're here?

I know why you're here.

You got guts. I'll give you that.

Your ad says, "If you've been

turned down elsewhere..."

It didn't say "everywhere."

- It's the first place we've been!

- Lucky us.

Hey, there are lots of places we

can go for abuse. Come on, Dick.

Sit down. Did I say I wasn't

giving you money? Did I?

- No. It's just that...

- Sit down.

Let's look at the pluses and minuses.

- There are a couple...

- We'll start with the minuses.

You two are in hock up to your eyes.

You have nothing serious for collateral.

You're behind in both mortgages, so

we're third in line behind the bank?

And your car is paid for.

But that car and a dime

would get you a cup of coffee.

That's a perfectly good late-model car

worth at least a thousand dollars.

You have some jewelry.

Might be worth a few bucks.

- The car's at least $900.

- I haven't come to the pluses.

Will you wait for me

to come to the pluses?

Okay.

On the plus side, you,

Mrs. Harper...

...are actually working!

- Yes.

Getting paid bupkes, but you're

working. It's regular. And you...

You could get another

job. Who knows?

They might find a cure for cancer, right?

Will you get to the bottom line?

The bottom line is that I love people.

So I'm going to let you have...

...$ 1000 for one year at

- A thousand dollars?

- 18 and a half? That's against the law.

Take it or leave it.

- We'll take it!

- We'll leave it!

- We'll leave it!

- We'll take it!

Seven, eight, nine, 1000.

Thank you.

This is a holdup! If nobody moves,

nobody gets hurt! Lie down!

- Hands up!

- You said nobody move!

- Shut up!

- I wouldn't offend you.

- I told you to lie down and shut up!

- Count on it!

Come on, man!

- I just borrowed this.

- Now you're loaning it.

- Borrow it from him.

- This is legally yours.

- I'm paying it back. What's the interest?

- You already signed the papers.

- Shut up!

- Can we clear this up?

- Who are you stealing this from?

- Shut up!

- What was that?

- It was me. My gun went off.

That'll bring all the heat.

- Did you get the money?

- Yeah.

- Get the broad.

- Hey, man, let's go!

- On your feet, you're coming with us.

- Hey, hold it!

- Where the hell are they?

- Out the back.

They got a woman with them!

Come on, lady, get up!

Hold it, police!

Wait, man!

- You want to go to the hospital?

- I'm all right. Jane, are you?

- I'd just like to go home.

- Well, you're free to go.

- You sure were cool under fire, ma'am.

- I'll faint at home. Thanks.

Sorry.

Mr. Harper? How much did you

tell them that you lost?

$ 1000. What do you mean?

You couldn't tell them $2000?

Insurance would have paid. I would have

split the extra grand with you. Schmuck.

- Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

- Billy, are you going outside?

Yeah.

- Hi, Bill.

- Hi.

Are you feeling all right?

Come in and close the door.

Lock it.

They dropped it, I fell on it, and while the

police chased them I put it in my bag.

Oh, my God!

I don't know what happened to me.

I just did it.

- There's 2000 dollars here.

- I can't believe I did it.

- Neither can I.

- It's not funny. I've committed a crime.

And done a hell of a job at it.

Why didn't I give it back?

It never occurred

to me to give it back.

- You're sensational.

- I can't believe it. Stop it, Dick.

Would you turn on the faucet?

- I'm going to give it back.

- To who, the robbers?

The money belongs to the loan...

- They have insurance, don't they?

- Exactly.

Suppose they catch those guys.

They saw me.

They'll never catch them. Even if they

finger you, who's going to believe them?

The cops won't believe them.

They'll think they spent it all.

I can't believe we're talking like this.

Dick. We've always done

things the straight way.

Yeah, well, I'm tired of

belonging to a minority group.

Okay.

- Okay, I'm going to keep it.

- Good.

- I'm going to keep it.

- That's still good.

Hey. Do you think it would be awful

if we had a little celebration?

- Something besides Hamburger Helper?

- A little red wine.

How about a little champagne?

- Love you.

- I love you.

Got the lights. We got our lights back.

I propose a toast.

- Down with candles.

- Down with imitation mayonnaise.

- Down with Hamburger Helper.

- Up the Harpers.

Here's looking at you, Spot.

Wow.

- You can have some.

- Will you get that, honey?

- Sure.

- Spotty, old boy.

- Yes?

- Is this the residence of Richard Harper?

Yes, I'm Mrs. Harper.

You've applied for the

food stamp program?

That's right.

My name is Johnson. I'm the

income maintenance technician.

The what?

I've come for the inspection.

- Tonight?

- Want to see my credentials, lady?

No. No.

Please come in.

Darling, this is Mr. Johnson.

The income maintenance mechanic.

Technician.

The food stamps fellow.

- Have you eaten, Mr. Johnson?

- Yes, I had a Big Mac and a small fries.

- You don't understand...

- Don't I?

- Would you like some champagne?

- And I also had a Coke.

Truth is, we ripped off a loan company,

and this is the last of our proceeds.

I see, yes.

You want to see if we have

any cooking facilities, right?

Yes. Yes, that's the first thing.

This way.

You don't have any assets

other than what's here?

That's it.

You sure messed up real good.

We sure did.

Never mind the editorials,

are we eligible or not?

- According to the rules, you're eligible.

- Thank you.

Don't thank me. It's people like you

who give this program a bad name.

Screw it up for others who need it.

I don't think that's fair.

Jane, the old rich are

always sticking it to the new rich.

The old poor have to stick

it to the nouveau poor.

- We, in this case, are the nouveau poor.

- We really need it.

No one in this house or in

this neighborhood needs it.

Really? You think we should sell

this house and move to a slum.

We should sell before the bank does.

- Which is next week.

- You can just forget it.

- We're keeping this house.

- How?

- We'll make the payments!

- With what?

You have accepted our current

problems as permanent. They are not.

This is only temporary.

You haven't told me how we'll

make the payments!

The middle class is the

backbone of this country.

We've got to survive. If we go

under, the whole country can.

And in these, our bicentennial

years, my contribution...

...isn't the destruction of

the American middle class!

I don't know what you're...

Billy, entertain our guest, please.

- We have nothing to worry about?

- Right. Nothing to worry about.

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