Fun with Dick and Jane Page #5

- I'll speak to the bank tomorrow.

- I spoke to them today.

He said, "You are no

longer banking with us...

...we're banking with you."

- Very funny. Leave it to me.

- We'll make the payment.

- With what?

We'll make the payment.

This is a stickup.

Stick them up.

Stick them up.

Stick them up. Stick them up.

This is a stickup! Stick

them up! Stick them up!

Stick them up.

Stick them up.

Are you kidding?

Are you crazy?

Don't come in when I have a gun in my

hand! You'll get your head blown off!

Take that ridiculous thing off your face.

I can't hear a word you're saying.

Never sneak up on a man

holding a gun. You can get killed.

- What are you doing with a gun?

- I'm...

Never mind.

I know what you're gonna do.

Yeah, well, you're right about that.

And give me the keys to the car.

- Hasn't this gone far enough?

- You're not gonna stop me.

I'm gonna get that money.

Is getting arrested gonna help us

get the money?

You don't think I can do it, do you?

I'm a washout. I'm a loser.

Not even capable of holding up

a goddamn grocery store.

Any idiot can hold up a grocery store.

Thank you.

- You're really determined to do this.

- That's right, Jane.

- That what you're gonna wear?

- Yeah.

- What do you think?

- I think you look like...

...the Easter Bunny bandit.

- I had to ask.

You might as well wear a sign

that says, "Arrest me."

Okay, what do you think I should wear?

Why don't you wear something

a little more inconspicuous, like...

...the Batman costume?

How's this?

It's fine.

Okay, baby. I'm off.

- Dick?

- Yeah?

Don't you think we've

forgotten something?

The iron. Right.

Dick, don't you think that gun

is gonna attract attention...

...sticking out of your belt like that?

- I'll wear a jacket. Don't worry.

I have to worry. I was a psych major.

You know what Freud said.

Criminals leave clues.

They have a compulsion to confess.

I have a compulsion to pay the mortgage.

Did Freud write about that? No.

So there. That takes care of Freud.

- Hello, Mr. Harper.

- Hello, Carol.

Jane, what is Carol doing here?

I'm going with you

to your meeting tonight.

You are not. You're staying here.

I'm going alone.

On the contrary, darling. I wouldn't want

to miss one of your business meetings.

Never know what might happen.

Don't forget to go to bed at 9:30.

- Don't worry, Mrs. Harper.

- Carol, I'm taking you home.

- Sit down, Carol.

- On your feet, Carol.

- Sit down.

- Carol.

- Stay.

- Okay, stay. Both of you, all of you.

Goodnight, have a good time.

Billy!

Billy, you know what the vet said about

Spot sitting so close to the television.

All right, Jane, you can come.

As long as you promise to do

exactly what I tell you.

- I promise.

- You drive.

- What happened?

- I think I ruptured myself.

You realize if that thing goes off, you'll

be going on this robbery half-cocked.

Very funny. Just drive, damn it!

How did you happen to pick Monrovia?

I wanted an area far enough

away from us. Any objections?

- Oh, no.

- I can't believe it.

- I am curious about one thing, though.

- I knew it.

How were you going to get to the scene

of the crime if I hadn't come home? Cab?

I was going to steal a car.

Dick, that I would like to see.

We'll be using what is known

as the "two-car method."

- Really?

- You park your regular car...

...steal a car for the actual robbery,

return later to pick up your regular car.

Dick.

Richard, you can't steal a car.

Put a man on the moon.

I think I can steal a car.

Will you stop that whistling?

There's something wrong

with this car. It won't start.

- Why don't you kick it.

- That's right, Jane, just keep riding me.

That's a big help.

If I could just find a Hudson,

wouldn't be any problem.

- Why don't you try this car?

- What?

- Why don't you give this one a shot?

- I don't know foreign cars.

I think you can handle this one,

Dick. The keys are in it.

You.

D is for "drive," dear.

What do you think?

It's too big, it's too bright,

it's crowded. It's ridiculous.

Why are all these people

out shopping this late?

They ought to be home in bed.

- This is it, as they say.

- Let's go home before it's too late.

- Goddamn it, Jane...

- We're not cut out for this.

...I told you I'd do this,

and I mean it.

Sweetie, we'll get the money.

It's not the money,

it's the principle of the thing.

- What principle in robbing a drugstore?

- That's right.

It's the money, that's the principle.

That's the principle of the thing.

You wouldn't understand.

Now don't interfere.

You stay right there.

I'm going in alone, and I don't

want any crap about it.

Kind of a light door.

Yes?

Yes...

- May I help you, sir?

- May you help me? Yeah.

Don't you worry, son.

I think I've got what you're looking for.

Now, here they are, right here.

Some of these are lubricated.

Now, this isn't lubricated,

but it's a good one.

And some of these are

contoured for better fit.

We've got them in different colors.

We've got cherry red...

...and we've got midnight blue,

and we've got the rainbow.

- I'll take them all.

- All?

Yeah, yeah.

And wrap them up.

That'll be 8.50.

I wish I were as young as you are.

- You don't understand.

- What do you mean, I don't understand?

I'm not that old. There you are.

Now can we go home?

I came out here to do something,

and I'm gonna do it.

This evening could turn out to be

quite expensive, what with gas...

...and sundry items.

Ever hear of a delicatessen that

wouldn't take cash after 10:00?

Not a nickel in the register.

- You got somebody to open the register?

- That's right, Jane.

Was she very old

or just crippled and blind?

For your information,

she was quite able...

Nobody move, this is a stickup.

Nobody move.

Just hold it right there. Nobody move.

When did they start busing white

robbers into black neighborhoods?

- What happened?

- No bullets. Thanks a lot.

You had to talk me into carrying an

empty gun. I could have gotten killed.

- Please, tell me what happened.

- Nothing happened.

Except I almost got killed, thanks to you.

I knew I shouldn't have brought you.

You would have been busted

in the parking lot without me.

How can anybody do anything

with this kind of defeatist talk?

Okay. Maybe there's an orphanage

around. They usually deal in cash, we...

Just shut up, Jane.

What do you think you're doing?

Sitting in a stolen car

makes me nervous.

- I'm going with you, where it's safe.

- Get back in the car.

I said, get back in the car.

That's right. You said, "Get back

in the car," and then I said no.

I'm going in there, and you

better stay right here.

Do you have to louse everything up?

First the pantyhose, then you insisted...

You still want pantyhose?

You want pantyhose?

Will you put your pants on,

for God's sake?

Right. This is a respectable

X-rated motel.

I'm warning you.

That b*tch, I could kill her.

Whatever turns you on, man.

I don't want any sh*t out of you,

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