Fun with Dick and Jane Page #6

or I'll blow your head off.

Turn around, put your hands

against the wall. The sill.

Just cool it with that gun, okay?

- Oh, Jesus!

- Oh, my God!

I forgot to go to the bank today.

Harley's gonna kill me.

- He's gonna skin my ass.

- You got something to put this in?

- There's a box on the top shelf.

- Who's Harley?

- The owner. A mean mother.

- Is he really gonna hurt you?

Dick, he's gonna hurt him.

Maybe we shouldn't.

What are you, crazy?

You stand right there.

Don't move nothing.

- I'm sorry.

- Come on, will you?

Goodbye.

They're gonna call us

the "Bickering Bandits."

- That'll be our M.O.

- Right.

- Sure.

- Right. What?

M.O. That's modus operandi.

That's method of operation, you know.

Wait a minute.

We're not having any modus operandi.

- No modus operandi?

- No, tonight was it.

- Halloween comes but once a year.

- Oh, sure.

- Take that one.

- What? I liked it.

- That was too casual.

- What was too casual?

You gotta promise me.

- You promise me?

- Promise you?

- You promise me?

- Boy, do I promise you.

- You promise?

- Completely.

Okay.

- Hi. Can I help you, sir?

- Hi.

There's something

wrong with this record.

- What's that?

- There's a gun in it. This is a holdup.

- Do exactly as I say, no one gets hurt.

- Sounds fair to me.

Just keep looking at me and smiling.

Have any Bessie Smith records?

- Bessie Smith?

- She's an old blues singer.

- Yes, sir. Yes, I believe we do, sir.

- Do you like that old jazz?

Well, I like the more modern

kind of stuff. You know, progressive...

Miles and, you know, a few people,

like Sedaka. He's good.

The lady will be leaving soon, and you'll

say, "Thank you very much, Mrs. Jones."

Thank you very much, Mrs. Jones. Okay.

- Nice smile. Go, go.

- Thank you very much, Mrs. Jones.

- Think nothing of it.

- Very nice. I liked the smile.

I'm leaving now. Say to me, "I'll get that

record for you next week, Mr. Jones."

Now!

I'll get that Bessie Jones

record for you next week, Mr. Smith.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah. 4.98, tax and license.

How was the food, folks?

That bad, huh?

Oh, baby. Baby.

Oh, God.

- Oh, God, Dick, I'm ruined for life.

- Oh, honey.

I wanna know the name of the

pervert who shut off my phone.

In spite of what you think, we do not

get our kicks cutting off telephones.

- I never got a bill.

- Excuse me, I'm sorry.

- Excuse my ass.

- You'll have to wait in line like...

I'm sorry, excuse me, but I'm afraid

this is what they call a stickup.

They're holding up

the telephone company!

Shoot out the computers

while you're at it.

- All right. Right on!

- God bless you. Give them a hand!

- Beautiful. Beautiful.

- All right!

He's had several offers, but because

of his investments he doesn't have to...

...rush into anything. He's looking

for a very dynamic situation...

...in a company like yours, Jason.

- Are you familiar with the film business?

- Somewhat.

Hey, how about a drink? Come on.

You're welcome.

You've got to go down there.

You owe it to yourself...

- May I borrow my husband?

- Be my guest, Jane.

- Dick.

- Jane, I was making some progress.

That's the condominium king.

You're an aerospace executive,

not a...

Right now I'm feeling pretty flexible.

- Raoul.

- Oh, no, that's okay.

Go and enjoy yourself.

Let me do it, okay?

Mum's the word, eh, Raoul?

This is something else.

Did you find buried treasure?

Living off my investments, Nesbitt.

- Dick. Put her there, pal.

- Glad you could make it. Hello, Mildred.

Ol, Ricardo. We wouldn't

have missed this for the world.

- I love your small pool, Jane. It's so cozy.

- Thank you, Mildred.

- I see you landed on your feet.

- Actually, Charlie, I landed on my ass.

Then, when I fell off my ass,

I had no place to go but my feet.

- What line are you in?

- Robber.

- As in tires and erasers.

- That's a good field.

- Do you make it or sell it?

- Steal it.

Like stealing candy from a baby.

He is so modest.

- Steel. Hey, there's a solid industry.

- I thought he said rubber.

Actually, Jane's working now too,

aren't you, Jane?

- What are you doing?

- Adis.

Investments. Investments.

She's in charge of salting it away.

- Got the guts of a bandit.

- Maybe you could help me.

I have to go to Washington next week.

But I'll give you a...

A little call when I get back.

That could be 15 years to life.

I'm just going to talk to a

congressional committee.

They think Charlie's been paying off

people besides them.

Larry Maguire!

- That's not Larry.

- Taquito?

Thank you.

Is it burning you, Mildred? That's

too bad. Would you like some water?

- I'll get some water.

- Tequila, please.

And now, once again,

bringing you salvation and success...

...righteousness and riches,

the Reverend Dr. Thomas Will.

You know, we've all heard the expression

"The meek shall inherit the earth."

Well, that is exactly what

they're gonna get. Dirt.

We all have to learn how to be positive.

You see, I don't want you to say "Amen."

- I want you to say "I am."

- I am.

You have to remember

that God is in you.

And in you and in you

and in you and in me.

Now, if you open up your heart

and you let God inside...

...he will make you rich.

- I am.

Let me remind you

that the cross is a plus sign.

Now, I want you all to repeat after me:

Money loves me.

- Money loves me.

- Money loves to be in my pocket.

- Money loves to be in my pocket.

- I see a whole mountain...

...of money coming towards me.

I see a mountain of money

coming towards me.

Now, I want you all to donate generously

to the ministry today. And remember...

...that every dollar you give,

God will pay back tenfold...

...in some wondrous

and mysterious and exciting way.

A car, a boat, a plane, a home.

Just one other couple, Dr. Will.

Yea, I say unto you: Bring them in,

they're here to win.

- Inspirational sermon, doctor.

- Thank you, thank you.

Yes, particularly the part about

not feeling guilty about prospering.

Well, you see,

that is called "Say 'I am."'

If you want more money, you must get

an expanded idea of yourself.

You must think of yourself

as one who has more money.

We're trying, doctor.

Well, go ahead. Touch it, son.

Don't be afraid. Go on.

Go ahead, dear, touch it.

Go on. That's it, touch it some more.

You see, you must take the limit

off your financial thinking...

...and you will get more money.

Don't worry about how.

- Inspirational.

- Say "I am."

Stick them up.

Did I hear you right, sinner?

You holding me up?

I am. Hands on your head, both of you.

- Move!

- Will you get out of the way?

- God wants you out of the way!

- Guards!

Stop them, for they have sinned!

Would you mind

getting the hell off the car?

Testing. Testing.

Oh, Jesus!

- You all right?

- Yeah, I think so.

Pull over, you sinners!

They are thieves, stop them!

They have stolen all my...

The Lord's money.

- Oh, no!

- God!

If you pull over at the next light,

God will forgive you.

- He is no stool pigeon.

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