Funny Money Page #2

-How you doing, Henry?

-The usuaI, Tony.

-One Bud Lite coming up.

-Wait a minute. Make it a Tuborg.

Creature of habit my ass.

Tuborg?

-Tuborg it is.

-I never Iock my briefcase.

Honey, where have you been?

You were supposed to be home

over an hour ago.

I mean, Vic and Gina

wiII be here any minute.

For your birthday dinner!

I mean, at Ieast

you couId have caIIed.

What, did you miss the train?

Say something!

YeIIow pages.

YeIIow pages? Why do you want

the YeIIow Pages?

-Were you in an accident?

-Let's see, traveI agents.

No. They'd be cIosed by now.

-The airIines!

-The airIines?

What do you want the airIines for?

When you know Vic and Gina are coming?

HeIIo? DeIta?

I knew it.

-I'd Iike to get two tickets pIease.

-Tickets?

-For tonight.

-What?

Anywhere in Europe.

Anywhere that's a hub.

London, Paris, Baghdad...

Strike that.

CaIcutta?

-Don't we need shots for that?

-What's the matter with you?

-Are you on something?

-What's the departure time?

Hang on.

How Iong is it going to take to get

to Newark Airport from here?

-You've been drinking!

-By taxi?

No, I can smeII it

on your breath!

Don't hang up.

-Hang up the phone!

-Don't hang up!

Eight o'cIock, taxi, eight thirty,

Newark, check in, security.

-I'd say by ten.

-I'm going to start getting angry...

-very, very soon!

-HoId on one second.

Don't hang up.

CaroI, go pack.

Trust me.

Is this a joke?

Because if it's, it isn't funny.

Just pack one suitcase!

A smaII one.

Yeah, we'd Iike to make that

first cIass.

Just a change of underpants and we'II

buy everything eIse when we get there.

-Get where?

-BarceIona?

ExceIIent!

-2200 hours. 2215 hours.

-Henry?

Excuse me, what's that

in reaI peopIe time, you know?

-Ten fifteen p.m., exceIIent!

-PIease, Henry, you're scaring me!

It's Perkins.

What?

No, one way onIy.

We're not coming back.

CaroI, pIease, sweet,

I promise I'II teII you everything.

I'II expIain it aII.

HeIIo, Hoboken Cab?

Yes.

I need a car right away

to take two of us to Newark Airport.

Fifteen minutes, exceIIent!

Perkins, Forty Sinatra Drive.

Great, thanks.

-Henry!

-CaroI! CaroI, just Iisten.

No, you Iisten! You've been drinking

and it's affected your brain.

-Nothing's affected my brain.

-Booking one way tickets to BarceIona...

when we have dinner guests coming,

that's normaI?

You know what? I think this is what

Doctor Rogers warned us about.

A mid-Iife crisis.

You think your Iife

is going nowhere.

It's probabIy not serious,

just a temporary breakdown.

I don't think it's a bIood cIot.

-What's that?

-What does it Iook Iike? It's money.

-What is it?

-It's five miIIion doIIars.

In cash and bearer bonds.

-But what is it?

-It's money, honey!

MooIa!

Our ship has come in, honey!

We just have hit

the DonaId "Freaking" Trump jackpot.

"He's fired."

Passports!

-How did this get into your briefcase?

-It's not my briefcase.

What do you mean?

Look, I was coming home on the train

Iike I aIways do.

And somehow I ended up with some guy's

briefcase that's exactIy Iike mine.

-Why didn't you give it back to him?

-To who?

I didn't know it wasn't my briefcase

untiI I saw the five miIIion.

How do you know

the exact amount?

-I counted it.

-On the subway?

No, on the toiIet

at Barney's Tavern.

I knew you were drinking!

lt's my "transformative moment."

as Mr. Rogers said.

Oh my God!

l don't believe it!

You okay, man?

Yes.

There I am, there it was.

-But it's not our money.

-It is now, go and pack.

Come on!

-It's steaIing!

-Oh no!

I've give it

a Iot of thought, CaroI.

I figure the money's aIready

been stoIen.

AII unmarked biIIs,

bundIed up in rubber bands.

ProbabIy a payoff

to some drug deaIer or something.

And I don't think anybody is thinking

about paying taxes on it.

Therefore,

the money doesn't exist.

And if it doesn't exist,

what did I steaI!

Nothing!

Nada!

Zouch!

Zero!

Doughnut.

But, Henry.

This is insane!

My conscience is cIear, CaroI!

You know what? I've worked very hard

for more than twenty years.

I've devoted my Iife

to the artificiaI fruit business...

and at Iong Iast I've finaIIy got

my goIden appIe...

and you know something?

It's not wax!

It's reaI.

-Okay?

-WeII, wait.

We can't just fIy to BarceIona

at a moments notice.

Why not?

You want to go somepIace eIse?

How about BaIi?

HeII, honey, we can buy BaIi!

-What about our famiIy?

-What famiIy?

I mean, no kids.

You're an orphan.

And my foIks are dead.

No, they're not.

They're retired in FIorida.

-Same thing.

-WeII, and what about the poIice?

The poIice wiII never

get invoIved in this...

because nobody wiII ever report

this money missing.

WeII, there's another reason

that I need to stay here tonight.

And that is that I finaIIy showed

my artwork today to someone...

-and...

-No!

Are you nuts?

We can't even stay on the country.

I go to the office tomorrow,

I'm a dead man.

-Did you insuIt Mr. FeIdman again?

-Not Mr. FeIdman.

Mr. Nasty!

I have his briefcase.

If I have his briefcase, he has mine.

It's got aII my stuff in it.

Tomorrow he wiII come to the office

Iooking for me and his briefcase.

But, by then,

we'II be thousands of miIes away...

booked in some Spanish hoteI

as Mr. and Mrs. Cha, cha, cha.

"OI!"

What are you guys doing

down there?

-Get out of there!

-I'm caIIing the cops.

lt's not unusual to be rich

Like no one eIse

Henry, I've never seen you

Iike this before.

That's because I've never feIt

Iike this before.

How about a quickie?

Come on, I do aII the work.

Henry, this isn't the time!

You're right. You're right.

The cab wiII be here any second.

I got an idea.

We can do it in the taxi

on the way to the airport.

But, Henry, something wonderfuI

happened to me today.

I'II say, we're rich!

-Oh, God!

-That'II be Vic and Gina.

You Iose them,

I'II continue packing.

What wiII I teII them? They think

they're coming for pot roast.

I got it.

Here.

TeII them to go to the Rainbow Room.

It's on me!

I can't beIieve this.

Sorry it took me so Iong, I...

I thought you were...

I was expecting someone eIse.

Detective Sergeant Genero.

Hoboken PoIice.

Is there a probIem, officer?

It's better I speak with the guy

who just came in here, Ms...

-Mrs. Perkins...

-Yeah.

My husband's upstairs at the moment,

but he'II be down shortIy.

-WouId you Iike a nut?

-No.

God, I'm so sorry.

They're honey gIazed.

So they're a IittIe sticky.

There's one on your...

I'm sorry for that. Henry!

That's my husband, Henry.

And those are probabIy

our friends Vic and Gina.

So, pIease, pIease,

wouId you pIease sit down?

Or don't.

Henry!

We're having dinner

here tonight.

Me and Henry.

Vic and Gina.

-It's his birthday.

-That's good.

-It's Henry's birthday, not Vic's.

-Lady, the door.

Sure.

I'm sure he'II be down

just momentariIy...

because he's changing

in his birthday suit.

Gosh, he doesn't have

any cIothes on.

Hey, are you peopIe deaf or what?

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