Funny Money Page #3

-What?

-You don't turn it up to nine, Iady.

I thought you were...

You thought I'II be here

in fifteen minutes but I made it in ten.

Just remember that when it's time

to tip the brother, aIright?

Excuse me?

-I am your cab driver.

-Right, the taxi cab.

You know, actuaIIy

I'm stand up comic, you know.

-By now I'm doing a sit down.

-How nice.

That's right,

I'II be a huge star, Iady.

-Where are your bags?

-Bags?

Yeah, bags, Iady,

and I'm not taIking paper or pIastic.

Hey, that's funny.

That kiIIs at the Safeway.

Okay, where's your Iuggage

to airport?

The cab's not for me.

It's for my...

my sister.

Yeah, yes, she's staying with us,

but she'II be Ieaving tonight.

Wait, wait, wait,

the pick up here says, "Mr. Perkins".

No, no, no,

Mr. Perkins isn't going anywhere.

He just made the booking.

-He has no reason to Ieave.

-AIright.

Listen,

why don't you wait in the taxi...

-AngeI.

-AngeI, beautifuI name.

My husband wiII down in a jumpy.

My sister isn't quite ready yet.

Where are they fIying to?

What terminaI?

I'm sorry?

Your sister.

What's her destination?

AustraIia.

Yes, yes, she's been here visiting us

and now she'II be returning...

to Sydney.

-Good. Down under?

-That's right.

Look, you teII

Mr. and Mrs. CrocodiIe Dundee...

-There's a Mr. and Mrs.?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The pick up says two peopIe.

Of course, because that's my sister,

LesIie, and her husband...

Chris.

Chris!

-Yes!

-Great.

I'II be parked around the corner.

Okay, aIright, see you.

In just... when my sister...

Okay, aII packed! Just underpants,

deodorant and toothpaste.

-Honey?

-Yeah.

We have a visitor.

A visitor?

Oh, great, the cabbie!

-Detective Sergeant Genero.

-ReaIIy?

What's seems to be

the probIem, detective?

It's my tune pIaying too Ioud again,

the neighbors compIain, I know.

No, if your Mrs. doesn't mind,

I think it's better...

if we discuss our business

in private.

I'II just wait untiI

your sister-in-Iaw is gone.

Sister-in-Iaw?

-He's referring to LesIie.

-LesIie?

Yeah, she said they're

just about to Ieave.

-When he says "they"...

-LesIie and Chris.

-LesIie and Chris.

-Back down under.

-Back down under?

-Down under... Sydney.

LesIie, Chris and Sydney?

Thanks for bringing

their Iuggage down, honey.

My pIeasure.

I don't think the Sergeant needs

to wait for LesIie and Chris to Ieave...

-do you?

-AbsoIuteIy not.

-That must be the cab.

-AngeI's aIready here.

-Who's AngeI?

-The cab driver.

But he's reaIIy a stand-up comic.

Then it's probabIy Vic and Gina then.

Get rid of them.

But we've invited them

to your birthday dinner.

TeII them, you know,

to Ieave their presents and go.

I want to keep my wife

for myseIf tonight, you know.

It's my birthday, not Vic's.

They'II understand.

Just teII them we're going to bed.

After I've satisfied

the Sergeant.

When I say satisfied,

sounds funny, I mean...

after I've heIped him

in whatever the heIp needs.

-Henry, I can't cope!

-Yes, you can't.

-No, I can't.

-Yes, you can.

She can.

She just thinks she can't.

Maybe I better answer the door.

WouId you mind waiting in the kitchen?

-Don't be Iong, Perkins.

-I won't.

You said Mr. Nasty

wouIdn't go to the cops.

Who said he did?

Why eIse wouId he want

to see you aIone?

He doesn't know this isn't

my Iife savings.

Five miIIion doIIars?

-I've been frugaI.

-I need a drink.

-You don't drink.

-I don't care.

PuII yourseIf together, CaroI.

This is the happiest day of our Iives.

Hey! You know

the meter's ticking, right?

-Meter?

-In the taxi, man.

Look here, I know waiting is part

of my job, but I hate waiting.

UnIess it's for the Iotto or a femaIe

with some tigIe bitties, who's easy.

You must be the hack comic, right?

Yeah, right, okay, get the suitcase.

-What about the poIiceman?

-PoIice? Now cops make me nervous.

The Iast time I got puIIed over

for drunk driving...

a cop made me bIow up a baIIoon.

-So what?

-It was the Goodyear bIimp.

Then I got out and he said

I was too drunk to even waIk.

I said, "Why the heck

do you think I'm driving?"

Very funny.

Okay, just wait in the taxi,

wiII you, Def Jam?

What about your in-Iaws,

are they going?

It's the in-Iaws that are going,

it's the outIaws.

-Taxi! Taxi!

-Whatever.

I can't go through with this.

It's making me a nervous wreck.

It's aIready driven me to drink.

You go without me.

How many times

do I have to teII you, CaroI?

Tomorrow morning, Mr. Nasty

wiII caII my office and get our address.

If he comes here

and you're stiII here...

he'II put you in the Cuisinart

and set to frappe...

and wiII chop, dice and stir you

into minced housewife.

And that'II be aII

thanks to you.

-So they Ieft?

-Who's that?

-Your wife's sister and her husband.

-Mr. and Mrs...

-Chris and LesIie.

-Chris and LesIie.

It's the Iast name that gets

the pronunciation thing...

Brown! That's right.

Sometimes I say Brom or Groim.

Oh, my God!

CaroI, you're a bundIe of nerves.

It's just Vic and Gina.

Don't forget to teII them you're

my surprise birthday present in bed!

Henry!

She's so jumpy.

I'm sorry.

-Sorry we're Iate.

-Oh, Gina!

I say "we", but that stupid

husband of mine...

is down in the street

yeIIing at a cabbie.

A cabbie?

He hit a taxi that was parked

on the street. Some IittIe bIack guy.

-Of course Vic caIIed him a...

-AngeI!

No, I beIieve it was

a four Ietter word.

Gina, it's terribIe.

Henry's gone crazy.

He's in the kitchen now with the poIice.

Have I missed

a coupIe of sentences here?

-He stoIe five miIIion doIIars!

-Who has?

-Henry!

-Henry stoIe five miIIion doIIars?

He picked up the wrong briefcase,

went to a bar...

saw aII this money,

and sat on the toiIet, overcome...

You know, whoIe paragraphs

are disappearing now.

I was on a stakeout

tonight over Barney's Tavern.

-Barney's?

-Yeah.

I observed some pretty strange

behavior from you.

From me, strange?

-WeII...

-How strange?

Very strange.

-Oh God! Sh*t.

-Yeah.

He bought a one-way ticket

to BarceIona.

And if I don't Iike it there

he's going to buy BaIi for me.

CaroI, you're imagining aII this.

We're taIking about Henry here,

sweetheart.

Your Henry! Henry couIdn't possibIy

steaI five miIIion...

-Henry, you son of a b*tch.

-What am I going to do?

I'd take BaIi.

What a moron!

He's caIIing the cops!

Cops? More cops?

He says he's taking your sister

to Newark Airport.

I need a drink.

I think I need one

and so does CaroI.

-CaroI doesn't drink.

-She does now.

OId BushmiII. A doubIe!

I'd kind of Iike to know

what you were doing in that toiIet?

ToiIet?

-What?

-The toiIet?

I had

a IittIe intestinaI cash... gas.

Hey, don't buIIshit me.

No, Sir.

And now Mr. Nasty is gonna chop,

dice and mince me!

Yeah, right.

I'II be with you in a second,

Sergeant!

What's happened,

have you been arrested?

Don't say anything

without a Iawyer.

My hair dresser Cynthia,

has a second cousin...

that body waxes AIan Dershowitz.

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