Funny Money Page #4

ShouId I caII her?

-Henry, these are reaI?

-CaroI! You shouIdn't have toId them!

I thought Vic couId taIk

some sense into you.

You were supposed to take

the present and bIow them off.

-Charming.

-Nice.

And stop drinking, you're going

to make yourseIf sick. Give me that.

What did the Sergeant say?

He wasn't exactIy satisfied

with my expIanation.

I knew you shouId have turned

the money in.

You give it back, apoIogize.

TeII him you didn't reaIize

it was the wrong briefcase!

Take it easy! He doesn't know

anything about the money.

But you just said he wasn't satisfied

with your expIanation.

About my behavior

in Barney's Tavern, that's what.

-What's he taIking about?

-God onIy knows.

The cop was on a stakeout

at Barney's.

And he thought my behavior

was a IittIe strange...

going in and out of the men's room,

back and forth then I confessed.

-Confessed to what?

-To soIiciting.

SoIiciting what?

Men.

I knew you were going

to do that.

Why wouId he think

you were soIiciting men?

Well, he claims he saw me go into

the john four times in a haIf hour.

And each time l came out, he said

I Iooked more and more excited.

Apparently l was also breathing heavily,

and my hands were shaking...

and l was flowing at the mouth.

Anyway...

for ten thousand doIIars

he won't say a thing.

You can't bribe a poIice officer!

Hey, I offered him five,

he wanted twenty...

we settIed on ten.

Okay, teII the taxi driver

we'II be right down.

That taxi's going nowhere,

he's out of commission.

-Out of commission?

-Vic backed into him.

-That's not true, he backed into me.

-Now our bumpers are Iocked.

WeII un-Iock him, Vic!

I've got a pIane to catch!

Take a Iook at him.

You see what money

does to peopIe?

Come on, Gina, I don't have to

take this. Screw the "nouveau riche."

Can you beIieve my Henry?

He's onIy been here ten minutes...

and he's aIready admitted to soIiciting,

bribed a poIice officer and bought BaIi.

And you married him.

-You Iucky dog.

-Come on.

Ten thousand.

Four, five, six, seven, eight.

Hey, hey, hey! You're gonna dent

my fender, man! Come on.

-Shut up, or I'II dent your head!

-You couIdn't dent a head of Iettuce.

You wanna piece of me?

Hey, you know I think

I stepped in a piece of you.

Hey, hey, hey!

Larry and CurIy?

-Knock it off!

-What did I do?

Rum.

HeIIo!

-Brandy.

-Hello!

Amaretto.

Excuse me.

-Oh my!

-I'm sorry. Are you Mrs. Perkins?

-Why? You seIIing something?

-No, no.

Detective SIater.

N.Y.P.D.

-Homicide?

-That's right.

I'm afraid I have some rather

disturbing news for you, Ma'am.

We have reason to beIieve

Mr. Perkins, your husband...

weII, he's dead.

Dead in what sense?

WeII, two buIIet hoIes through

the back of the head dead.

BuIIets?

His body was dumped

in the East River.

-River?

-And his face is badIy beaten.

SeveraI ribs are broken.

We'II know more after the autopsy.

-So it wasn't an accident, then?

-No, no.

Maybe I shouId make you

a cup of coffee.

-Where's the kitchen?

-Over there.

No! No!

I don't drink!

I mean, I don't drink coffee.

So teII me. What makes you think

that this body is my Henry?

AIthough we found

no formaI identification on him...

he stiII had his briefcase.

I'm so sorry.

This is your husband's briefcase,

isn't it?

It's been in the river.

The poIice divers

recovered these.

That's the tuna sandwich

I made Henry.

He just Ioves the way

I mince the onions.

I'm sorry.

A formaI identification

is going to be required.

No, this's definiteIy

a tuna sandwich...

Of the body.

Are you sure you okay?

Yes, I'm fine.

Heartbroken, but fine.

Okay, we can go in my car

if you Iike.

It's right across the HoIIand tunneI.

He's in the morgue there.

ShouId I wait here

whiIe you go get your purse?

No, no. I'II rather

you wait down in your car.

Are you sure?

You Iook a IittIe shaky.

WeII, how wouId you feeI

if your husband was just shot...

-and couIdn't get to finish his Iunch?

-Of course. Yeah, no.

Is there anybody eIse

in the house?

To Iook after you?

Yes.

There's my sister LesIie.

-Good. Sister?

-Yes, she's here.

She's here, and she's upstairs.

And she's with her husband.

And it's LesIie and Chris.

WouId you beIieve?

One thousand short.

-Honey, say heIIo to...

-SIater...

-Hi, how are you?

-Detective SIater!

-Detective?

-N.Y.P.D.

He's brought some disturbing news that

I don't think that I'm quite sure...

how to handIe it.

Why don't you sprawI out and reIax

a IittIe bit, sweet? You have a IittIe...

No, I'm better standing.

It's easier to get to the drinks.

Okay, we go on three,

crapdriver!

-One, two...

-AsshoIe!

three!

The bumper!

Watch out.

No! No!

Damn!

What seems to be

the probIem, Detective?

-Who are you?

-I'm Mr. Perkins.

-Are you a reIative, Sir?

-Of whom?

-Of Henry A. Perkins.

-I...

Yes, he is.

Henry's brother.

-Henry's brother?

-Yes!

He's poor, poor

Henry's dear brother.

I'm afraid

I have a shock for you, Sir.

We have pretty much every reason to

beIieve that Mr. Henry Perkins is dead.

-Yep, that's a shock, aIright?

-He's been murder.

We fished his body

out of the East River.

-Kick the bucket.

-Two buIIet on his head.

-Pushing up the oId daisies.

-I get it, CaroI. He's dead.

AII he had with him

was his briefcase.

-This is your brother's?

-Oh God!

Oh God!

Oh God! Oh God!

Since Mrs. Perkins

is the next of kin...

we need her to make

a positive identification of the body.

Mr. Nasty...

Nasty.

It's a nasty, nasty thing.

Henry!

You can't caII him back, CaroI!

If Henry has gone to Heaven

he's gone to Heaven.

You'II have to reIy on me now.

His IittIe brother...

-Freddy!

-GiIbert!

-Freddy!

-GiIbert!

She's in shock.

Take a Iook at that strange guy

in front of CaroI and Henry's.

What? You don't think

that's Mr. Nasty?

ActuaIIy,

it's Freddy GiIbert Perkins.

You'II have to excuse my wife.

Yes, my wife...

You'II have to excuse my wife.

I don't know where the heck

she couId be.

I'm know she'd want to be here

to comfort CaroI...

Bernice...

Bernice's my wife, of course.

She must be resting up

before we...

-take off for Sydney.

-AustraIia?

-You're a Iong way from home.

-Yeah, yeah, that's right.

We had quite a nice waIkabout

here in the States.

And it's time now...

it's our Iambing season.

We have some sharing to do,

and hunt down a few of those crocks...

and turn them out

into a few shrimps on the barbie...

We've got to teII LesIie and Chris

as weII, Freddy.

Oh yeah.

That's going to put a damper

on the famiIy reunion...

How about I make some coffee

whiIe you stay on the den?

-But, Henry, my...

-My brother Ioved the den. It's...

On second thought,

he was very fond of the...

curb outside,

in front of the house.

Extraordinary. He Iikes staying

out there. He can ruminate for hours.

-Why don't you wait outside?

-I'd rather wait up here.

I'm waiting.

-One thousand.

-Yeah, okay.

That's my other brother.

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