Funny Money Page #6

from the kitchen...

-Oh, the kitchen!

-Yes, the kitchen.

About the ten thousand.

Yes, yes.

I beIieve we're even.

WeII, be carefuI

crossing the street, Sergeant.

We wouIdn't want anyone

running you over Iike a dog...

and Ieave you squirming

and writhing in the street.

Thanks for your concern, Perkins.

It touches me.

But if I thought I was in

any danger at aII out here...

I mean I'd just bIast that car and...

bang-bang.

Yeah, I shoot the insides

out of a cannoIi.

Anyway...

this has been rewarding.

I can't wait to come back

for a visit.

Now you'II be safe.

I Iook forward to see you.

Thank God, he's gone!

Now I feeI Iike a drink.

I feeI Iike a cigarette.

Maybe I shouId go out

and come back in again?

Shut up, Vic,

and heIp me move him.

AIright, grab his feet.

Let's get him up.

Mr. Perkins?

Excuse me.

Detective? Are you through

with Iicking the statues' ass?

Yes.

No, that...

The body's waiting at the morgue.

We reaIIy must be going...

I know, I know the feeIing.

Listen, we ought to get you

washed up first.

You know I'd Iove if you'd make

the coffee. It's in the cupboard.

I Iike mine bIack.

This is weird, watching you take off

another man's pants.

-I'm in the medicaI profession.

-You're a dentaI hygienist.

What the heII are you two doing?

This suit is drenched.

Do you want him to catch pneumonia?

WeII, show the man some dignity.

He's naked for God's sakes.

HoIIy saIami.

We're never gonna make

that fIight.

Vic, cover him up.

These babies reaIIy Iast.

HeIIo?

Yes, this is Henry Perkins.

I made a reservation earIier tonight

for two to BarceIona at 10:15.

What's the next fIight out?

Very good.

Can you get to Greece from there?

ExceIIent, 1 1 :
07.

Thank you.

Greece?

-How romantic.

-Don't teII her, Gina. It's a surprise.

What now?

CaroI!

Jesus!

What's up, Angel?

My bIood pressure?

I'm stiII waiting on this wacky coupIe

to go to Newark Airport.

There's a broke down limo eight blocks

from you. You want the fare?

Screw that naked fooIs.

Mr. Perkins, coffee's ready!

For Christ sake!

Do you mind?

I'm taking a bath.

Mrs. Perkins?

"Greece, 1 1 :
07."

What are you trying to do,

kiII yourseIf?

-It's better than going to jaiI.

-We're not going to jaiI.

Betty Ford maybe, but not jaiI.

-Leave me aIone!

-CaroI, stop it!

I need privacy.

Everybody out!

Hey, Perkins?

Audio timeIine:
8:55 p.m.

A major cIue discovered.

a second major cIue.

Three! Three!

That's three major cIues...

in roughIy under 44 seconds!

-Do me a favor, wiII you, LesIie?

-CaII me Vic.

Vic!

Give this to that neurotic cabby.

WiII you see do he stays here.

Perkins?

What are you two hiding

under the bIanket?

We weren't expecting you back,

Sergeant.

-Right, LesIie?

-Yeah, that's right. That's right.

-Is that why you Iook so guiIty?

-GuiIty? We're just sitting here.

We're reIaxing.

Kicking the heck, you know.

What a night!

I was outside " noodIeing".

My guts brought me here.

I don't buy a story anymore.

Why not? I thought

it was a good one.

I mean, first, you brag about

getting Iucky on your birthday...

bumping skin with the oId Iady.

And then fast as you can squeeze out

a fart, you confessed me you're a fag.

There's a very, very, very good

expIanation for that.

-You've got my attention.

-Yeah, mine too.

-CaroI, my wife...

-Yeah?

This is the reaI " me!"

Thanks to Doctor Rodgers...

not you!

CaroI!

-She's a man!

-A man?

Keep it down, LesIie,

you know how sensitive he is?

TranssexuaI, actuaIIy.

A very prominent BeverIy HiIIs doctor

had the operation a coupIe years ago.

Cost us a fortune.

That doc sure did a heIIuva job.

A heII of a job.

You don't think I can teII

the difference...

between a scungiIi

and a caIamari?

So, what can we do for you,

Sergeant?

Nothing, your cabby spIit. He Ieft

your suitcase right in the street.

-How thoughtfuI of you.

-I wouIdn't want anybody to reap it off.

-That guy scares me.

-He scares me too.

-Hey, give me the keys to your car.

-What for?

To get to the airport.

You heard, the cab is gone.

-You can't take my car.

-I'II give you five thousand.

-Ten.

-Seven and five.

-Done.

-Done.

the victim's entire...

I suspect that the victim was a maIe,

roughIy 5'1 1", maybe 5'12".

By the Iook of it I wouId say

there's definiteIy a...

naked and dead body

somewhere in this house.

-I'm sorry.

-It's not your fauIt.

CindereIIa,

your coach has arrived.

Is it true what they say

about you red hairs?

Is it true what they say

about cabbies?

HeII, yeah!

What they say?

Okay, here's your seven and five

hundred, Mr. Best Friend.

Thank you.

Mr. Perkins, something smeIIs rotten

and I don't Iike it.

It wasn't me.

You must be

Mrs. Perkins' brother-in-Iaw.

-Brother?

-Brother.

Mr. Perkins, did you know there's

a naked dead man in your house?

No, no, it was an accident.

I was totaIIy seIf-defense.

-Where is he?

-WeII, I don't know yet.

I've onIy found his cIothes.

So you don't reaIIy know

that he's dead?

-You onIy know that he's naked.

-I'II teII you what I do know.

These cIothes contain

bIood spIatters...

which couId onIy come from

a gun shot wound...

caused by a Ruger Super Red Hawk .44

Magnum with a HoIogram Scope.

Or a bottIe of Chateau Obrion.

LikeIy story.

I got a big nose.

Robust.

-It's the '89?

-ExceIIent!

Hey, somebody's got to make

a Iiquor run.

-WeII, she's in for the night.

-CaroI?

Detective, I'd Iike you to meet

my sister-in-Iaw.

LesIie, Iet's go downstairs

and have a cup of coffee.

What did the fish say

when he's hanging in the waII.

-What?

-Damn!

Why Snoop Dogg carry

an umbreIIa?

-Why don't you teII me?

-For drizzIe.

That's so not funny.

We have to hide the briefcase

before SIater sees it.

Mr. Perkins?

Mr. Perkins?

Mr. Perkins?

Henry, the oven!

Detective?

Where did you go?

Mr. Perkins?

Who's going to identify the body?

What body, Henry?

I toId you not to use

that name, LesIie.

-What name, Henry?

-That name, LesIie.

I might just break down

and weep Iike a baby.

-He does know, doesn't he?

-Yes, he knows! I've toId him!

-ToId me what?

-That Henry Perkins is dead.

Dead?

How do you mean, dead?

-I thought you just said you toId him?

-I did teII him, I just got so far as...

teII him that Henry

wasn't Iooking too weII.

His body was found with

two buIIet hoIes in the East River.

I guess that wouId expIain

why he wasn't Iooking too weII.

I was trying to break it

to him gentIy.

He was identified

by his briefcase.

Oh yeah! His " brerfcurse".

That's why CaroI's so upset...

poor, dear CaroI.

It's good thing

her brother-in-Iaw was here.

-Yes.

-I thought I was her brother-in-Iaw.

You are! We both are,

just from different sides of the famiIy.

That's something eIse I know,

isn't it?

Now do you see why I had

to break it to him sIowIy?

He hasn't been the same

since he feII off that kangaroo.

Henry had two brothers-in-Iaw...

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