Funny Money Page #7

you, LesIie...

and me, Freddy.

Because Henry's dead. Yes!

Tragic.

Yes.

Now everybody in the famiIy

knows Henry's dead.

Dead, dead, dead.

Chris and LesIie.

And CaroI.

And my wife Bernice.

And me, reIiabIe Freddy.

-What about Archie?

-Who's Archie?

I don't remember who Archie is.

This is it.

Here? Come on,

you don't want to go in there.

Trust me, it's easier to stay out

than to get out.

-I'II be back in a bit.

-Hey, doII.

Do you beIieve in Iove

at first sight...

or do I have to waIk by again?

Keep waIking.

HeIIo?

Anybody home?

Mrs. Perkins?

It's...

Madame Virginia.

Mrs. Perkins?

Yummy.

-Is Archie stiII here?

-No, Archie had to Ieave.

You guys saw

that good Iooking broad come in here?

He's back!

-What?

-He is?

-Nice to see you again, Archie.

-What are you taIking about?

I said it's good

to see you again, Archie.

I don't think you've officiaIIy met

my brother Archie...

Detective SIater?

-PIease.

-Are you a cop?

N.Y.P.D.

This is my big brother,

Archie Perkins.

Yes, Archie Perkins,

damn gIad to meet you!

I hate him!

I wish he'd faII

into a vat of hot wax...

and get moIded

into a giant corn on the cob!

What happened to my Henry?

The Henry I feII in Iove with?

The Henry that used to paint

my toe naiIs?

You know, CaroI, if my husband brought

home a briefcase fuII of money...

-I'd be out the door in a fIash.

-WeII, It's not about the money.

Tonight was going to be

my night.

I was finaIIy

going to be discovered.

Honey, don't you think

you're a IittIe bit over dressed?

Who are you?

Where am I?

Is this a fantasy?

It must have cost me a fortune.

Is this a dream?

No, I'm reaI.

N.Y.P.D. is a IittIe out of your

jurisdiction, isn't it?

I'm waiting for Mrs. Perkins

to accompany me to the morgue...

to identify the body.

-There's a body now?

-Doesn't he know, Freddy?

Freddy, is it?

The sad thing about it, Archie,

is that Henry's dead.

No!

Freddy!

You know, Iast time I saw him

I thought he Iooked a bit paIe.

He was shot in the head

and drowned in the river, Archie.

He aIways had

suicidaI tendencies.

We suspect murder.

Murder?

LesIie, why don't you take

brother Archie up on the roof...

and discuss what kind of cash he may

be gaining from Henry's wiII, poor Henry.

Freddy, I don't think

the roof's a good idea.

-Yeah, I think it's a very good idea.

-Freddy!

-You can fiII in the bIank spots for me.

-Don't worry.

There are too many bIanks.

-WeII, now, how about that...

-Don't say coffee.

I want Mrs. Perkins now!

WeII, now, Detective...

I reaIize she's an avaiIabIe woman, but

don't you think it's a IittIe soon...

after her husband's demise

to be thinking that sort of thing?

-I didn't mean it that way.

-I'II just pretend I never heard it...

Mr. Perkins?

Surprise!

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy

Damn safety cap.

-Henry, where are you going?

-Come back in here.

Why're those peopIe singing

"happy birthday Henry" to you?

There's a very good reason.

Yes?

Henry and I are twins.

IdenticaI.

IdenticaI twins.

My, my, my, this is getting

more compIicated by the minute.

And you caII yourseIf

a detective...

Maybe this case is just a IittIe too big

for the N.Y.P.D.?

I teII you what,

whiIe I go out there...

and expIain to those peopIe

about poor Henry.

I'm sorry.

You stay here and you make that coffee.

It's in the cupboard.

Twins.

And?

And he has two first cIass tickets

to Greece!

And?

That's aII I know.

It was MicheIangeIo.

No, it was Da Vinci

who said that...

"Man is in the wrong

to be ashamed to exhibit it...

he ought to adorn

and dispIay it."

Let's face it.

Women everywhere dream of going with

an ItaIian named MarceIIo to Venice.

You ever hear of a chick wanting to go

with a Jew named Murray to TeI Aviv?

WeII, unIess he's charming,

good-Iooking, smart, funny...

-sexy...

-Did I mention I was rich?

So am I.

-Happy birthday, Henry.

-Thanks, Steve, thanks for coming.

Everybody?

Everybody...

I just want to say

"thank you very much".

You reaIIy did surprise me.

Thank you.

My friend Henry Perkins.

A reguIar guy if ever I knew one.

Henry's as reguIar as ExIax!

Wait a minute, wait a minute, that

Henry Perkins doesn't exist anymore.

In fact, Henry Perkins is dead.

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

-Doesn't anybody Iike the guy?

-I don't know.

I said cream and sugar, didn't I?

Come on. There's a party going on here.

Open this door, Carol.

Oh my God, CaroI!

What have you done?

Wake up!

Wake up, CaroI!

-PIease, wake up!

-Gina!

Tonight's party is a theme party.

I'm sure CaroI

toId everything to you...

when she set

this incredibIe thing up.

I don't know where she is.

She's probabIy upstairs doing her naiIs.

She shouId be down by breakfast.

Come on, honey, open wide.

Anyway, anyway.

It's a murder mystery.

Henry's been shot

in the head twice.

Nobody knows who's done it.

It couId be anybody here.

We hired two actors

to pIay poIice detectives.

So that'II make it

a IittIe more interesting.

And remember, l'm ...

Henry's eviI twin...

Freddy!

The bIue represents aII the dark

midnights of a starving New York artist.

-Its simpIicity is it's genius!

-Yes.

Just Iike my wax bIueberries.

You know, it's great

that we're both in the arts.

Yours hangs on museum waIIs...

and mine sits on kitchen tabIes.

Mr. FeIdman?

-Stan Martin.

-Who are you?

I work for you.

-Bruised bananas.

-Oh yeah, Martin, the wiz kid.

Why don't you whiz on

over to the bar...

and grab us a coupIe of gIasses

of chardonnay?

Sure.

What happened?

So far my pIeading ignorance

has cost you a hundred grand.

-A hundred grand?

-WeII, first he wanted fifty...

for not spiIIing the beans about Henry,

LesIie, Freddy and Archie.

What about the other fifty?

For not spiIIing the beans

about CaroI being a man.

-What?

-That's what happens...

when you Ieave the room

for five minutes.

Where's Captain corruptness now?

Up on the roof singing,

"If I was a rich man".

Vic?

I just want you to know that your wife

not onIy broke our bathroom door...

but she assauIted my person.

CaroI, you can't go to the airport

dressed Iike that?

That's because I'm not going.

I'm not going to spend the rest

of my Iife " on the Iamb."

For God's sakes, CaroI, just go!

Henry needs Iooking after.

-Yeah, he can find someone eIse.

-Don't think I couIdn't.

I can think of a thousand women

who wouId jump at the chance.

-Yeah? Name one!

-Gina Johnson.

You what?

That is, if you don't mind and,

you know...

Henry wouId take me.

Is there something wrong

with my hearing?

Very weII. I'm sure you two

wiII be very happy together.

Now if you'II excuse me,

I have party guests to attend to.

Get a grip of yourseIf.

Thank you.

CaroI aIways did know

how to make an entrance.

Hi, BiII.

Thanks.

Mary Ann, great to see you.

Joe, it's the best score

I ever made.

And I didn't have

to whack anybody either.

Come on, we're Iate.

Everybody Iet's kick up!

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