Funny Money Page #8

Mr. Perkins?

Mr. Perkins, I have had it!

-Where did you go, detective?

-No, no, no.

That's enough of that.

I've had with that.

Okay.

Who's booked

on a 1 1 :
07 fIight to Greece?

Let me see that.

That's isn't a reservation

for an airIine.

That's a reservation

for a Broadway show...

on November the seventh.

-Broadway show?

-Yeah, some revivaI of Grease.

You know.

We go together like shama lama lama

Da dingity dingy dop

This was my birthday present

to Henry.

Don't.

There's two hundred and fifty

down the drain, huh, LesIie?

Excuse me,

do you have a cork screw?

-Mr. Perkins?

-Don't answer that.

Yeah, forty Sinatra Drive.

-Who was it?

-Mr. Brerfcurse is on his way.

Brerfcurse?

You smeII Iamb?

-Fire! Fire!

-Oh my God! Fire!

-Fire! Fire!

-Take it out.

-Take water. Water, water!

-Fire! Fire!

Fire! Fire!

Tampering with evidence

is a feIony.

PunishabIe by up to ten years

in prison.

No, no, no, this is just my briefcase.

It's just my briefcase.

It's just Iike yours. They just

Iook aIike. That's aII. Show to him.

-See, it's here.

-Same kind.

Great minds think aIike,

detective.

I'd Iike that piece of paper back.

The piece of paper?

Yes, indeed. It was right...

Here we are.

Mr. Perkins,

as an officer of the Iaw...

I'm ordering you to come with me

to identify your brother's body!

What, are you insane?

I can't identify Henry's body.

He was my twin.

It wouId be Iike...

Iike Iooking at myseIf...

dead on the sIab.

I just need some member of the famiIy

to come with me.

-Not me!

-You wiII be weII paid, LesIie.

It's not unusuaI for one of the members

of the bereaved famiIy...

-to voIunteer for the job.

-I never voIunteer on principIe.

You'II be weII, weII paid, LesIie.

No, there's no payment

invoIved in this.

You know what I mean,

for transportation.

Transportation?

He has to go across the river.

Yes, across the river and back.

Do you know how much the toIIs are?

Look, why don't you just Iet the famiIy

take care of this?

-You finish making the coffee...

-I've made the coffee.

-I've made the coffee twice.

-Sure it's coId by now.

CoId as ice.

Better make a new pot!

-Okay, LesIie.

-No.

-I'm not going.

-LesIie, Iet me handIe this.

I'm not going, Freddy.

I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it.

I'm not. I'm not. I'm not.

You don't know broke. I'm so broke

I got groceries onIy one way.

Don't worry,

they're making more.

-I'm going down to that morgue, Henry!

-Vic, I'm begging you. PIease.

-Not in a miIIion years.

-There's cash, of course.

-It's not a question of... how much?

-Ten thousand.

-Thirty.

-Twenty.

-Twenty-five.

-Done.

It's amazing how fast it goes.

So are you surprised

someone bumped Henry off?

No, man, not if aII the stories

about CaroI...

doing Henry's twin brother,

Freddy, are true.

You know something

is going on there.

Hi, feIIows.

SIater, Homicide.

I'm investigating

the whoIe Perkins murder.

Sure, sure.

You were saying that Mrs. Perkins

wasn't faithfuI?

That woman was born

with her Iegs apart.

When she dies, they'II going to put her

in a Y shaped coffin.

-WeII, did Mr. Perkins have any enemies?

-Everybody hated Henry and his brother.

Women, chiIdren...

Everybody hated Henry Perkins.

Hey, hey, off the record,

Henry and his twin brother Freddy...

were seIIing drugs,

soIiciting women...

the wax fruit factory is actuaIIy

their cover for a white sIavery ring.

-Stan, come dance with me.

-Hey! I'II taIk to you Iater.

I'm on the road tonight.

Hey, weIcome, weIcome,

weIcome to the show.

Hey, pops, I think it's bedtime.

What do you caII a woman

who's paraIyzed from the waist down?

Married!

Thanks.

CaroI? CaroI?

We gotta skedaddIe.

Mr. Big's on his way here.

You'II never understand

the needs of an artist.

There are no art critics coming tonight!

I hate to be the one to teII you that.

But I do have a surprise for you,

that wiII make up for tonight...

and for aII the promises

I've never kept.

Because I Iove you

so much, CaroI.

Come on, guys!

-Don't Iet anybody in.

-Yeah, I'm...

Look at this piece of crap

somebody gave me.

-That's our present.

-WeII, it's the thought that counts.

Here it is.

-Put them in.

-I'd take my 25 g's now, Henry.

I'm surprised at you, Vic. You don't

take money for heIping a friend.

Yes, I do.

And besides, we're not friends,

we're famiIy.

Out again, boys.

You know, it's a crime. It's a crime.

You don't Iet me in.

Give my hundred grand.

Come on, now!

-It's a bargain.

-Yeah, it is a bargain.

-Here we go.

-Give me the rest.

-Don't forget my money, Henry.

-You're squeezing him too?

No, I'm getting paid

for services rendered.

Mr. Perkins?

I can't seem to find the...

Oh my goodness!

I guess he's caught the three of us

at it now, huh?

This is not what it Iooks Iike.

LesIie's decided

to accompany you to the morgue.

Good. Let's go, LesIie.

Yeah, I just need five minutes

to get ready.

-Another five minutes?

-He's got his hands fuII at the moment.

Fine. I'II wait for you

down in the car.

Thank you.

Thanks a Iot.

Don't be Iike that.

I was just having a IittIe fun.

Hey, feIIows, serious...

stay cIose.

What is a husband's idea

of forepIay?

A better power of begging.

Henry, I hate to bring this up,

but I'm a IittIe five g's short.

AIright.

What the heII is this?

-Where did it come from?

-I don't know.

I got it.

-Where's the money?

-Search me?

-That's not a bad idea, Vic.

-Hey!

You can insuIt my cheese wheeI.

You can even steaI my wife.

But I draw the Iine

at being caIIed a crook!

AIright, I'm sorry about

your cheese wheeI...

but I mean, seriousIy, where couId

it be? I put it right down in here.

He comes in there and...

He comes in...

-SIater.

-SIater.

Then who's briefcase is this?

Kinky.

And it's a front

for a white sIavery ring.

Captain, I know you're starving...

but my instincts teII me

the murderer is here!

Move it.

Yes!

Thank you.

I know who you are.

You're the cIich European bad guys

who shot him in the head...

and dumped him in the river.

No, too obvious,

good try though, huh?

Yeah, baby, get down.

Shake it. Yeah.

The bIue has such a sensuaI feeI.

There he is.

Okay, I'II distract him

whiIe you'II switch cases.

Mr. Perkins, where's LesIie?

-He'II be down in about five minutes.

-Five minutes?

That's aII I've been hearing aII night.

If he's not down very, very soon...

I'm going to be forced

to make an arrest.

Who are you gonna arrest?

WeII, when I do it's going to be

evident who that person is.

I'm sorry.

Did I do that?

-Where's LesIie?

-He'II be down in five minutes.

Five minutes.

Hey, man, you spiII my drink.

It's the briefcase?

Excuse me.

Mr. Big.

What the heII is the difference?

Put it in the back seat.

-Mr. FeIdman?

-Henry, hey!

I'm so gIad you're aIive.

I won't be coming back to work.

I'm retiring earIy.

-Henry, wait!

-Don't try and change my mind!

This is not about you

and wax fruit.

-It's about my wife.

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