Funny People Page #18

that learned nothing from a

near-death experience, George.

You went backwards. You're worse.

You know what I am? A good friend.

I would never run to the

airport and rat somebody out.

I don't have that in my DNA.

That's not a friend, man.

A friend tells you. A friend

comes up to you and says,

"Hey, you're in a heap of

sh*t. You better not do it."

He doesn't run and

tell the f***ing girl.

Well... Wow.

Good. Fire me. I don't want

to be around you anymore,

'cause you are f***ing contagious!

You think I can't get another assistant?

I can't get someone else

to write jokes for me?

You think I'm gonna lay in my bed

going, "Aw, I miss my Schmira"?

You're a f***ing no-thought.

That's the beauty.

Once you're gone it never

comes back in my brain.

You think getting Laura

would have made you happy?

I know so. You think if

you had a family right now,

you would be happy?

You'll never be happy, 'cause you're

always gonna be stuck with yourself!

Unless somehow you

can get away from you,

you're always gonna

be miserable, George.

You are not funny.

Well, if that means I'm less like you,

then good, I don't

want to be funny, okay?

Mission accomplished, lra.

Bad career choice.

Comedy usually is for funny people.

Gotcha.

(SlGHS)

(TlRES SCREECHlNG)

(GROANS)

Chances are you've got a lot of stuff

stuffed in your drawers and closets

that you don't really need.

Mary Bolster is editor-in-chief

of Natural Health magazine.

She's here to help you get

trashing, bagging and get organized.

Hello, Mary. MARY: Hi, Hoda.

HODA:
Okay, we do save things

for the wackiest reasons.

(WHlSPERlNG) Good morning. Hi.

I think I'm gonna forgive him today.

What? Really? Yeah.

Great! That's great news!

He's just gonna be so jealous

that I'm on Yo Teach...! You know?

I just figured it'd

be a cool thing to do.

Well, maybe we could

find something for him.

You know, if it comes up organically,

definitely, but we shouldn't force it.

You know? Right.

I don't want to be on Yo Teach...!

It's okay. I forgave you, you know?

Thank you.

So, how'd everything go

up there this weekend?

I think I did the right thing, but George

fired me and punched me in the face.

You want to talk about it?

No.

I kind of wish you would. It sounds

like the greatest story, ever.

Wake me up at 2:
00.

I'll tell you about it.

Well, we're glad you're back.

Glad you're home.

I can't believe I have

to start all over again.

Hey, man, how you doing?

Hey, how you doing? Heard you were sick.

You feeling better now? Over here!

MAN:
George, second lease on

life. What are you gonna do now?

Hey, guys, come on.

Come on, I heard rumors

about another baby movie.

What do you got, huh?

Yeah, yeah, we're gonna shoot

that. That should be good.

Gonna start that in a little

bit. Let me get by you, though.

It's nice up here, huh?

Yeah. How'd you find it?

Me and my friends, we hike

up here and I always thought,

"You know, that'd be

a great place to take

"a woman if you... If you knew one."

Well, now you know one.

Good.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Hey, I'm gonna give him the light.

Thanks, Mark.

Bailey, you're number two.

Hey, lra. How you doing?

Good. How you doing?

RANDY:
Wassup, big money?

You guys know each other?

Yes. I've seen this

young Jewish comedian.

Randy, what's happening?

I saw this cat down at Otto's

yesterday. Made me a little panini.

Grilled chicken pesto. Sh*t was nice.

Yeah, I'm working at Otto's again.

GEORGE:
So, you're going up?

Yeah, I'm about to go

up now. See you guys.

Later!

Thank you. Thank you.

My friends are very sexually

aggressive, which is hard for me.

You know, we'll watch television

and they'll just see...

A hot girl will come

on and they'll just be,

"Man, I wanna f*** the

sh*t out of that girl, man!

"I'm gonna f*** that girl!"

And I, like, can't even say that.

I can't even pretend I would do that.

I see a hot girl on TV and I'm like,

"Man, I would friend

the sh*t out of her!

"I'd friend her all night!

I would be her girlfriend!

"I would drive her to the airport, man!

"I would hold her purse while

she shopped, all over her tits!"

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Thank you.

Hi, I need a pound of turkey and a

half-pint of macaroni salad, please.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Um... Yeah, I'll just be one sec, okay?

Okay, thanks.

(lMlTATlNG OLD WOMAN)

The last time I came here,

the roast beef you gave me

had the string still around it

and I was unaware of this and fed

it to my husband, and he choked.

How's it going, George?

You get a break or

anything where you can talk?

Okay, yeah. Sure. Chuck,

I'll be one sec, okay, man?

Sh*t.

(CLlCKS)

(SlGHS)

So, you had to get

your job back here, huh?

Yeah. You know, I figured I

could use a little job stability.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I get health insurance.

It's pretty good.

So, I thought a lot about

what you said in the car to me.

A few of those things

might have been accurate.

You tried to help me and I'm sorry I

put you in the middle of all that stuff.

I'm better in my body.

My brain has a ways to go, though.

How are you doing,

though? You're doing okay?

I don't know, lra.

I...

I caught your whole set

the other night, lra. Nice.

Yeah, yeah, no, you're getting a rhythm.

You're starting to be the lra

I like in real life onstage.

Thanks. Yeah, I've been getting up

a lot lately, so it's going well.

Yeah, you were funny, and

it was a fart-free set.

I wrote some stuff down that

night that... Some jokes.

You want to hear it?

You what?

I couldn't stop thinking of jokes

for you last night. It was bizarre.

I'm not saying they're

good jokes, but I try.

You actually wrote them down!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. My

f***ing memory's horrible.

That thing you did about the

Wii Fit thing. What's that?

Oh, like, "My video game..." Yeah.

"My video game told me I'm fat?"

Yeah, yeah, yeah. "The

ultimate betrayal." Yeah.

Right, right. You could maybe say, "l mean,

that's like my pot telling me I'm lazy."

Oh, that's really funny.

"And the Wii is similar

to my grandmother.

"She used to tell me I'm getting chubby

"and then bring me chicken parmesan

and say, 'Why are you so fat?"'

(LAUGHlNG)

That's really funny!

It's true. The video game made me

fat and... It is like my grandmother.

All right. "Why are you so fat?

"Here's four gallons of chocolate milk."

That's good! She would always do that.

That's good. I got one

I've been afraid to tell,

kind of, about, like, Viagra. It's

like, "My grandfather takes Viagra

"and he thought he was

tittie-f***ing my grandmother..."

Yeah? "But then he realized

he was tittie-f***ing

"his own balls."

(BOTH LAUGHlNG)

That's funny! You got to do that!

That's pretty funny, huh?

You got to say that the thing...

That when you're that old

and you have a boner that there's

not a good position, you know?

That's funny! That's really...

You do it doggy-style, your knees hurt.

You get water on your knee.

"l can't even hold

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