Funny People Page #17

Why... Why... Why do you ask that?

Just, like, I can tell.

They're always fighting and...

How does that make you feel?

Well, he's already away a lot,

so it doesn't really

matter that much, but...

Uh-huh.

That wouldn't be fun.

Maybe it would be better

if they were separated.

Mmm-mmm.

No?

That's not good.

Right.

Clarke?

Laura, what are you doing here?

I don't know.

WOMAN ON PA:
Mr. Way Chen, you need to

get to the information desk. Thank you.

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)

You've reached Ira.

Please leave me a message. Thank you.

(BEEPS)

Where are you? You gotta come back here.

I think I'm getting...

I'm getting lonely here.

I need some help. Just,

seriously, hurry up.

I don't trust you.

Am I imagining things?

You're not imagining anything, honey.

(SlGHS)

Two times. That's all

I did was two times.

And I don't want to ruin everything

just 'cause of two f***ing times.

She couldn't even speak English.

Look at our life. You're

driving the kids to school.

You're picking them up.

You're like a single mother.

And you're not a single mom.

You're my wife. You're my baby.

I shouldn't be in China

trying to sell Oreos to people who

don't want to f***ing talk to me.

I'm gonna get a normal job. I'm

gonna be just around the corner.

It's just gonna be you, me and the kids.

All I want is a fresh start.

Yeah.

(GRUNTlNG) Oh.

Yeah.

The George Simmons thing

was just a flirtation.

It was nothing. He really

was sick. He just got better.

I'm so f***ing glad. Yeah.

I really like him. I do.

I don't want to hate him.

I f***ing love you.

Ira!

Hey!

What are you doing here?

(CHUCKLlNG)

(CHUCKLlNG)

I'm going back to Los Angeles.

LA?

Yeah.

You're in the Great China

Air First Class Lounge, mate.

What are you doing?

Oh. Sh*t, this is a confusing airport.

I thought this was Panda Express.

Well, it's good to see you guys, though.

What's going on? Laura?

What the hell is going on?

Uh... Ask her.

I was so mad at you for the

way that you've been treating me

that I was on my way

here to tell you tonight

to find another place to

live when you got back.

But then... I came here to stop her.

CLARKE:
Shut the f*** up.

I slept with George once, but it's over.

It's done. And it was no big deal.

(BREATHlNG HEAVlLY)

We didn't even have sex.

He just went down on me.

(SlGHS) That's worse.

CLARKE:
Crikey.

He manipulated me with his disease!

Where is he? George, where is he?

He's at your house.

He's at our house? With our kids?

LAURA:
Please don't get

that look on your face.

Please don't get that look on your face.

It was a mistake. I'm gonna kill him.

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm sorry.

You're sorry?

I came here to stop... Who are you?

I don't know. Who are you?

(SlGHS) What are you doing here?

I was trying to help you.

Get the f*** out of my life!

Okay.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Where is it? Where is

it? Oh, God, where is it?

So stupid! Stupid sh*t!

I wanted to tell you I miss

you. I miss your kisses.

I wanted to tell you I miss

you. I miss your kisses.

I miss your short skirts.

And I miss your smell.

Get the BabyBjorn.

(GlRLS LAUGHlNG) We're

gonna go find that wizard.

Hey, girls. You look so cute.

You, outside.

Is he in trouble?

Yes.

What's gonna happen? I don't know.

What do you think I did?

Oh, sh*t!

Your friend sold you out, mate!

LAURA:
No, no, no, Clarke!

CLARKE:
You think this

is a game? Stop it!

What'd you think you were gonna do?

Come in and just f*** up my family?

IRA:
Stop it! CLARKE:

Is that what you thought?

Stop it. Stop. No, no, no, no!

GEORGE:
I didn't f***ing do anything!

This sort of sh*t I kill for!

Don't kill him! Don't kill him!

You stupid sh*t!

No!

F***, man!

Come here! Run, George!

Don't hurt him, you maniac!

Cut the sh*t, guys!

Stop it!

IRA:
Run, George! You're

cornering yourself! Go that way!

Get away from me! Take

it like a man, George!

Get away from me, you

f***ing crazy a**hole!

You f***ing a**hole! Get away!

Oh, my God.

She's not happy with you!

No one who's married

is happy, you idiot!

Get in a ball, George! Get in a ball!

Fight like a man! Get

on your feet, would you?

I don't know how to fight! I'm

a comedian, you f***ing a**hole!

Should I jump in?

No! No! Don't jump in!

Just get away from me, man! You traitor!

Go get more cigarettes, you liar!

IRA:
I accomplished nothing!

They made up before I got there!

(BOTH GRUNTlNG)

Where's your helmet now, Yankee?

Let's talk! Clarke!

LAURA:
Clarke, no!

Come on, p*ssy!

Help!

All right!

Stop!

IRA:
I got him! I got him!

You don't want this, Schmira.

You don't want a piece of me, Schmira!

I am gonna love this!

(GROANS)

God!

You son of a b*tch! I knew

you didn't want me to be happy!

What are you doing, man? Look

at this! You f***ing suck!

You've gone crazy!

You're a lightweight...

Get away from me, man!

...named lra Wiener! Ira Wiener!

You should have died!

Well, I ain't going nowhere!

I'm never gonna die! I hope you die!

I'm never gonna die, baby! Die!

Boys, stop it! IRA: I

hope you die! I hate you!

I know what you're trying

to do, the pair of you!

You're trying to distract

me so I won't hit him!

Lackey! Lackey!

IRA:
Wait!

Oh, sh*t, Clarke! Dude!

Are you okay, George?

Where's your stunt man now, hey?

Stop it!

Will you stop hitting me?

I'm better now, but it can come back!

Laura, tell him. Tell

him what you told me.

Tell him that you love me more

than you love him. Tell him!

Yeah, when she told you that,

did she think you were dying, huh?

Tell him. Tell him. Is it me or him?

Him.

What? Come on! Are you serious?

He's my husband. We have a family.

I love him.

And you didn't even cry

when Mable sang Cats.

What's the matter with you?

I didn't want to lie. I don't know.

I've seen it on Broadway before.

It wasn't as good as it.

What are you guys doing on the lawn?

I'm hungry!

Nothing. We're just...

We're just mucking around.

Come on. Go back inside.

Sorry, George. I'll always love you.

But what are we gonna do?

I love you.

I'm sorry I came up here.

I shouldn't have come.

No, I'm glad you did.

Maybe when we're 70?

I hope you find a way to be happy.

Sh*t. He's coming back.

He's coming back. Let's go.

LAURA:
Clarke.

You know what? I've just worked

out why all this sh*t has happened.

In the East, they call this karma.

And I have brought all this

sh*t upon us with my misbehavior.

That's why all this sh*t has happened.

This had to happen.

But some good sh*t's

gonna come from this.

We have to learn from

this, you know, all of us.

There's a good lesson here.

Underneath anger is hurt,

but underneath hurt is love.

You feel it?

Okay?

Yeah. Thank you.

I'm sorry about this.

Yeah, yeah. Don't worry about it.

Do you want me to drive?

(SlGHS)

No, you don't have to

drive me. I'll drive myself.

In fact, you're never gonna have to

drive me again because you're fired, lra.

You're the only person

that I've ever heard of

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