Funny People Page #16

alone and alone. That's my life.

This is the only girl I've ever loved

and I'm not supposed to

do anything about this?

When am I supposed to be happy?

Why does everyone else get to be happy?

Look, George, I'm just gonna

tell you this, as a friend.

From where I'm sitting it

seems like your happiness

might be coming at the cost

of destroying this family.

Okay, let me respond

to that, as your friend,

and let you know you're not my friend.

You f***ing work for me!

I didn't ask for your advice! You're

overstepping your boundaries, man!

Now go get me a f***ing Diet Coke!

And remind yourself

that's what you do for me!

Now get the f*** out of here!

Fine.

Don't f***ing leave! Sit down

here! I don't want to be alone.

Okay, fine.

This is Mark.

Hey, Mark, it's lra.

How's it going, man?

Not too good. I didn't get the

part in the Tobey Maguire movie.

That doesn't matter. I have

a problem. I need help, okay?

Where have you been?

I'm in Marin County.

Northern California.

(SlGHS) Listen, l... I

have to tell you something.

Are you sitting down?

Yeah. Okay.

The other night I went out to drinks

with the producers of my show

and Leo met up with us.

And they were enamored by him and

they thought he was really funny.

And they offered him a part

on Yo Teach...! and he took it.

I saw the episode. I

know that that happened.

You watched it? I watched it.

Did you love it?

Yeah. He was great, right?

It was fine! I have no

problem with Leo, okay?

Tell Leo, if he's got a problem,

to stop being a baby

and to just get over it!

Why don't you tell Leo yourself?

'Cause Leo's been surveilling

this whole conversation.

You dick. LEO :
F***ing a**hole.

MARK:
Leo, get off the phone!

Screw you, Leo. Screw you.

Hey, man what have you been up to?

Sucking George Simmons' balls?

That's cool. I've been on

Yo Teach...! Iiving it up.

I'm sorry, Leo. Yo Teach...! sucks.

LEO :
Go lose some more weight, Ira!

You look f***ing weird skinny!

MARK:
Leo, calm down!

You know what, lra? I want to

put my eyeglasses on your a**hole

so it looks like you're blowing me when

I'm f***ing you in the ass, you jerk!

IRA:
That doesn't even make sense!

You're gonna put

glasses on my ass? What?

Ira, we will find something

for you to do on the show, okay?

Teach can have more than one friend.

Can we talk about this later?

I am in a serious problem. I just

need some advice, okay? Please?

Just listen to me for two minutes and

tell me what I should do right now, okay?

Will you do that?

All right. If it's serious,

I'm sorry. I will listen.

(SlGHS)

Okay. Here's what's happening.

I'm witnessing a

slow-moving train wreck,

but if I do something,

I will lose my job.

Are you serious?

So, what I don't know, is...

(DISCONNECTS) Screw you.

(SlGHS)

Higher! Higher!

Higher! Higher!

I can't. I... I can't. Yes, you can.

You, you have to go

down a little bit then

through the middle. LAURA: Be

careful. Don't let him fall on you.

Where do I put my hand?

I spoke to Clarke. He's gonna be at the

airport tonight heading back to China.

I'm gonna go tell him

that when he comes back

he should find another place to live.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. What...

You... Yeah? Good. Good. Yeah.

You're gonna tell him?

I just don't want him coming back here.

You don't need him. No.

That'll just get you sick.

Good, you gotta tell him.

So, when are you doing that?

Tonight? Yeah.

Okay, okay, I'm coming down.

Jump!

I talked to a girlfriend of mine,

and she has somebody who could show us

some houses down in Los Angeles.

And we'll get that whole thing going.

And then I was thinking about

taking the kids out of school now,

but we should probably let them

finish up because it's December.

And I don't want to mess everything up.

They have to finish the whole year here.

Yeah, that makes sense to

me. So, if we just go down

at the beginning of the summer,

Iet them kind of transit.

I'm supposed to do

a little two-week tour this summer.

I'm supposed to do it,

but I don't need to do it.

No pressure on you. Look at

you! There's no pressure on you.

I need to work and I want to

get my acting career going again.

Good. Yeah.

She's whupping you, lngrid!

Good job there, Lulu.

So, she's gonna go

to the airport tonight

and tell Clarke that she wants

him to find a new place and...

What do you think of that?

(SlGHS) I don't want to tell

you what I think about that

'cause I don't want to

get yelled at, George.

(SlGHS) Oh, God.

I'm just nervous about the kids

and, like, who's gonna get them

and does he get one and Laura gets one,

or am I gonna have both of them?

'Cause I love the little

one, we kind of click.

But the older one is, like, you

sense the period's coming soon.

I think she would probably get the kids.

All right, yeah.

I don't think you can

have two girls in China.

What are you gonna do

now? Look at this crew.

Why so close? Really?

(EXCLAlMS)

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You okay, little girl? You okay?

Oh, man. Are you okay?

Okay. I'm gonna show

you Mable singing...

Mom, you make everybody see...

No, Memory from Cats. Come on! It's...

No. I hate that you show it to everyone.

I'll just show them the end part.

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

I'll just show you the ending. Okay.

(SLOW SHOW TUNE PLAYING)

(SINGING) Burnt-out ends of smoky days

The stale cold smell of morning

The streetlamp dies,

another night is over

Another day is dawning

Touch me

It's so easy to leave me

All alone with the memory

Of my days in the sun

If you touch me You'll

understand what happiness is

(MOUTHlNG)

Look, a new day has begun

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(BOTH LAUGHlNG)

That was unbelievable!

Isn't that good?

That was insane!

That was like just seeing a little

person sing an old person's song.

That was hysterical!

I got a friend who takes...

He takes a lot of acid.

If he saw that, he would sh*t himself!

That's not supposed to be funny.

I know, I know, I know. I'm...

No, I think that's why it's funnier.

It was so amazing.

Wasn't that good?

I think I started crying a little bit.

Me, too. I cry every time I see that.

That sh*t was funny up there.

Okay. Wow, these guys are not

gonna take no for an answer.

Yeah. They want me to

do another baby movie.

They keep bumping up

the gross on the DVDs.

I just... There's no way I'm doing it.

Okay. Bye.

(BOTH WHOOPlNG)

Hey, George.

(EXHALES) Yeah.

I'm going to... I'm

gonna go to the store

and grab some cigarettes, okay?

I'll be back soon.

What? What do you need cigarettes for?

'Cause I'm addicted to them.

Why? 'Cause you look like

the Fonz when you smoke?

I've always smoked. I just didn't do

it in front of you 'cause you were sick.

And now that you're better...

Hurry up, though, man. I'm running

out of gas with the kids here.

Okay. I'll hurry up.

(SlNGlNG) Memory, all

alone in the moonlight

I can't wait till the morning

(BREATHlNG HEAVlLY)

Are my parents getting a divorce?

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