Funny People Page #15

Because.

CLARKE:
I'm just saying you had

your crack, you had your go at it.

I feel like I didn't

reach my potential that...

Oh, please!

Oh, please, what?

I didn't reach my potential, either!

I could have been playing footie!

You weren't that good

at playing footie. I was.

LAURA:
You weren't.

You should thank me, George.

I took a bullet here for you.

All right, on that note, I'm

gonna head back to Los Angeles.

No, come on, stay.

No, it's fine. I'll split.

It's early. I've been here too long.

Schmira! We just started a bottle.

Nah, nah, nah. You guys

have been the best. Schmira!

Thank you so much for

having us, guys. Oh!

Shoot. CLARKE:
Uh-oh! Look out.

God, I'm sorry, guys.

CLARKE:
Someone's had too much to drink.

Oh, man, no. No, I just kicked your

pot by accident, that's all. I...

Hold it together there,

Schmira. I'm just a... Oh, God.

It's okay.

You're staying here. You're not driving.

No way. We got a guest

house, two spare beds. Done.

You two, plenty of room to

stay. No, no. Ira can drive.

He... You're fine to drive, right, lra?

I am. I just kicked your

begonias, that's all.

No way! I'm not having America's favorite

funnyman dead on the side of the road

'cause Schmira here's

had too much to drink.

George, you can drive, right?

Bullshit! You're staying here.

Plus, there's a game of Aussie-rules

footie on the dish tonight.

Semi-final. Saints versus Maggies.

Not that American sh*t.

I want you to see it.

One condition. You Aussie

pussies got any beer around here?

Yes, it's on...

(WHOOPS)

Yes!

Yeah, it doesn't matter if you're

a small f***er or a big f***er,

you can play this game because

the small f***ers go in barreling

and they can get the ball over

and the boys are scrambling.

Now watch. The little

f***ers down there go.

There they are. Big f***ers smack them.

Little f***er. Little

f***er. Off to a big f***er.

Now he's gonna go down to another

big f***er. I hate that big f***er.

Where are the black guys?

CLARKE:
This is...

There's a couple out there.

I hate this team. Oh, yeah?

Magpies. Hate the Maggies!

They're like... I don't know

what the equivalent in the NFL...

No helmets. No f***ing helmets

'cause they're real men. See?

Love you. Just explaining the

game to them. They're loving it!

(MOUTHlNG)

Yeah, we gotta get going, you know.

Are you sure you can't stay?

We can't stay. We can't stay.

Yeah, it's my... It's my

grandmother's 85th birthday.

We got family coming in from all over.

GEORGE:
That's right.

She just had a stroke. In her leg.

So, you know, we gotta get back.

Yeah.

That's too bad you guys can't stay.

It is too bad.

Well, I wish I could say I was

gonna see you again, George,

but I can't really say that, can l?

Yeah, yeah, I guess you can't.

You don't have to do that, honey.

No, I do have to do this, honey. I do.

You know what, mate?

If there's one thing I've learned

from my Buddhist friends, the Chinese,

is to keep an open heart

and to speak the truth.

So, what I want to say to

you, George, is thank you.

Thank you for playing such

a big role in my wife's life.

It's been great getting to know you.

And I wish you a peaceful journey from

here on in and over to the other side.

Come here, mate.

Okay, we're gonna do this.

Thank you. Thank you for everything.

All right.

Thank you.

All right, I appreciate your having us.

Don't worry, Daddy.

He's not sick anymore.

Ira told us.

I didn't say that.

Yes, you did. Yeah, you did.

When we were coloring. IRA: No.

Yeah. Yeah.

IRA:
That's not true, girls.

No, that's not true.

IRA:
I did not say that.

I don't know what they're talking about.

Liar.

Liar, liar, pants on fire.

They were freaking out. They

were worried about George.

I just said it so they wouldn't

be scared. It was just...

Kids, go inside.

Can we watch Borat? Yeah, you can.

INGRlD:
I don't wanna watch

Borat. Yes, you... Come on.

See you guys.

What is going on around

here? Is that true?

I never said that he was feeling better.

He just took some medicine

and it's looking good for him

because they can't

detect it in his blood,

but that doesn't mean that he's better.

These things are very tricky

and he didn't want to tell anybody

because he didn't want to jinx it!

Is that true that you

didn't want to jinx it?

Yeah. No, no, no, l...

Yeah, I'm very superstitious.

Mmm-hmm.

You're a terrible liar.

(lMlTATlNG AUSTRALlAN ACCENT) No,

nothing's going on around here!

It's completely innocent.

I left me ring... What accent is that?

...on the side table. Jamaican?

Don't mock me. I don't appreciate it.

Lots of people go to massage parlors.

That doesn't mean I was

getting a rub-and-tug.

Those hairs on me jacket must've

fallen off the waiter's p*ssy.

What the hell has gotten into you?

I was at a footie game!

Are you taking the piss out of me?

I would never lie to you, mate. Oi?

I'm not playing this game with you.

This is stupid. What a stupid game!

Clarke, let's tell each other the truth.

Just come clean with me.

There's nothing to tell.

There's nothing to tell?

There's nothing to tell.

You will never tell me the

truth. That is a p*ssy move!

You know what? I'm not doing this.

I'm not being put on a cross

for something I didn't even do!

Enjoy each other!

Go f*** your whores!

"Go f*** your whores"?

So, it's good that he left, and

this is a huge relief for me.

So, it's good that he left, and

this is a huge relief for me.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I don't need to be in a marriage

that is like that, so I'm fine.

I'm not worried about that.

I just want you to be okay.

I would be scared if

I was you right now.

Are you kidding me?

This is what needed to happen.

I would run away.

No, I'm staying here.

Are you gonna run away?

Where am I running to?

Only if you come with me.

I really need you around right now.

Yeah. Yeah.

Can you stay till Monday?

Absolutely.

Can't we just go and, like,

come back later, you know?

I mean, if this is

meant to be, it'll be.

We don't have to be

here right this second.

Can't we just go?

Man, I don't... I see...

Jesus Christ, every instinct in my

body is telling me to leave here, too.

Good.

But that's what led

me to this shitty life.

I gotta stay here. I gotta do

the right thing. I love her.

Right now, her husband is gonna

come back and murder us, man!

Did you see his arms?

They look like legs!

Shut up. Don't be an idiot.

I'm not being an... Imagine that

you are a gigantic Australian man

and someone came into your

home and f***ed your wife.

You would murder him and then you

would make a hat out of his skin

'cause that's what

Australians do. Let's go!

Ira, this is deep sh*t.

People get divorced.

They make mistakes,

they change their lives.

It's not that big of a deal.

She's married to an a**hole.

She seems like a crazy actress, man.

I don't know what to tell you, man.

Am I not allowed to

be happy or something?

I've been living alone and

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes