Funny People Page #14

Starts zapping him.

Right. Yeah, I've seen it.

It was like an episode

of ER, but with Chinamen.

I missed you.

I know you.

Yes.

Yes.

(CLEARS THROAT)

How you doing?

This is George Simmons.

He had a big comedy concert last night.

Oh, okay.

And so, I asked him to

pop by and come visit.

Hope that's good. I...

I love the stand-up comedy.

Yeah, yeah. How'd it go?

They didn't... They didn't boo me

off the stage, so that was a plus.

Yeah, they're a bunch of

bloody cheese eaters up here.

Yeah. No, they were very nice. Yeah.

You have a... You have

a very nice family, man,

and a great, great home.

Thank you.

Well, it's good to have you home.

The kids are dying to see you if...

Ira's hungry for...

G'day. Clarke.

Good day, I'm lra.

Your husband's here. LAURA: Yeah. Yep.

Ira is George's opening

act. He's really funny.

Really? He looks funny!

Thank you.

How'd you go last night?

You know, they didn't boo

me off or anything, so...

(SOFTLY) I just said that one.

It was great. Yeah.

They just popped by, I gave

them a tour of the house.

We were gonna have

dinner, but it's not...

It's probably better

that we do family dinner

since you're only in town a few days.

No, stay. That's a great idea.

The more the merrier.

Okay. Let's do that.

Thank you. LAURA: Great.

I'm gonna go say hi to the kids.

Okay. Okay.

(LAUGHS) That's hilarious.

You can't tell him that

you're better, okay?

He'll know that something

happened between us.

I won't. Okay?

'Cause I've been married for

And I can't just throw

it away this second, okay?

Hey, we'll be fine. I'm a good

actor. You're a great actress.

Right. He hated you until he

found out that you were sick.

And if he knows that you were here and

that you're feeling better, he's gonna know.

So, don't say anything.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

Of course. Sure. I'll do that.

People never thought China would

do that much business with the US,

but I never saw it as a big

deal. You look at it like this.

You've got a billion people.

We make all kinds of cool sh*t.

They find out about the cool sh*t,

like, on the lnternet and stuff.

And they're gonna want the cool sh*t.

Cool sh*t's universal.

China's been good, but I'm trying

to get into North Korea now.

That's the next... That's,

like, the next frontier.

Wow. Wow. North Korea? North Korea.

Those people would

blow you for a Wii Fit.

GEORGE:
There you go.

This is really good pizza.

You know, they say, like,

New York has the best pizza

and I always thought

pizza in LA was only okay,

but who would have thought, you know,

Marin County is where they were

really hiding the good pizza pies.

(lRA SPEAKlNG lTALlAN)

Clarke speaks fluent Chinese.

Really? Do you speak

Cantonese or Mandarin?

Oh, well played, lra. Mandarin.

Well gayed, lra.

It's a bloody hard language,

though, George. Jesus.

(SPEAKlNG MANDARlN)

(SPEAKlNG MANDARlN)

(BOTH SPEAKlNG MANDARlN)

(REPEATlNG)

That was like a scene from Deer Hunter.

(BOTH SPEAKlNG VlETNAMESE)

Girls, you can go and watch TV.

Go on. Whatever you want to watch.

So, George, how's the fight going, mate?

How is it?

Clarke. This is not something that

he wants to talk about right now.

He has to think about

it every day of his life.

And he's taking a

break from it right now.

(CRYlNG) It's such a shame that

somebody who has brought so much joy

to so many people has

to go through this.

Sh*t. Sh*t.

I'm sorry, mate.

Laura. Laura. We don't

need to speak in code.

I'm sick. I think about it all the time.

CLARKE:
Mate, I don't

know how you do it.

I would be crying in

my panties if I was you.

I worship guys like you, that attitude.

Have you considered Eastern medicine?

Well, I don't know if this is

considered Eastern medicine,

but I've been eating

a lot of rhino cock.

If Clarke thinks it's the right

thing to do, let me chew some.

For the last time,

stop calling me Rhino.

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

George Simmons in my house!

Clarke took an herb once, and he

had heart palpitations and diarrhea.

No, it's true. I sh*t myself, mate,

and I had a boner at the same time.

(LAUGHlNG)

I want to take an herb that

makes me as good-looking as you.

Jesus Christ!

If I were you I'd be at

home all day f***ing myself.

CLARKE:
That's what I do!

(GEORGE LAUGHlNG)

All right! All right! We're cooking.

He's really funny. Mmm-hmm.

I don't know why his

movies aren't funny, though.

That's weird, isn't it? Mmm-hmm.

He should put some of

that on the silver screen.

So, just one drink, okay?

This isn't someone I want

to spend a lot of time with.

This? This is the Australian me?

I'm so much better

than this f***ing idiot.

He seems like the nicest guy, ever.

He's trying to cure you

with herbs for God's sakes.

I can't leave her alone

here. I have to save her.

Save her from her beautiful

house and lovely husband

and delightful kids?

Her husband's a

skipping, cheating psycho.

You said nothing was

going on between you two.

The dog could tell that you banged her.

And I'm getting nauseous

and sweaty. I can't...

Get away from me! Get away

from me! Go play with the kids.

(AUDIENCE ON TV LAUGHING)

WOMAN:
Tim, are you

asking me out on a date?

Would you like it to be a date?

Hey, bro, so your doctor called

and he said it is contagious, but

only when inflamed, so you're cool.

(SCOFFS)

Also, I was trying to do the laundry,

but I think I need to get some

industrial-strength detergent.

What's up with all the skid

marks, Dale Earnhardt, Jr.?

Wow, I think I have a class.

You guys like this show?

BOTH:
No!

It's the worst show, ever.

Good.

Here you go. We're finished

with the French sh*t.

We're into espanola!

All right.

China, man. Wow.

And you guys never see each

other, huh? That must be rough.

Right? Rough on the kids.

It's not ideal, but the

kids like to eat, so...

(LAUGHS)

You ever see this girl act

before? She was quite the actress.

You ever see this girl act

before? She was quite the actress.

Well, she's very good at

pretending she still loves me,

so she's pretty good then, isn't she?

(CHUCKLES) Yeah. I am.

Can't say I watched much of

that Melrose Place stuff, though.

Although I did see the Party

of Five episode you were in.

It wasn't really for me, you know.

Well, it was down to me and Cameron

Diaz for the lead part in The Mask.

Cameron Diaz! That's my girl.

She's a bloody top actress, isn't she?

Hey, what was that film she was in

with the bloody spuff in her hair?

Something About Mary!

(EXCLAlMlNG)

I love that movie! She's so funny!

Just about sh*t my panties in that one.

No, no, no, there's not too many girls

that are this beautiful

and sexy and funny and...

She had the whole deal.

Yes, but Cameron Diaz,

f***! I mean, come on.

See, if you had've done that movie,

you could have had the

bloody spuff in your hair.

Look out.

CLARKE:
What are you

giving me the evil eyes for?

You're such a dick sometimes.

I'm not... Why?

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