Futurama: Into the Wild Green Yonder Page #7

Try and make me, copper.

A troublemaker.

Taste the lash of my|99-cent-store nightstick!

Yee-ha!

With the feministas in|jail, it full speed ahead.

You and me, Fry. We implode|the violet dwarf star tomorrow.

Ka-boom-boom.

- You and me?|- Yeah.

- Tomorrow?|- Tomorrow.

- Ka-boom?|- Ka-boom-boom.

Hello? Madfellows? I need to...

Okay, Leo Wong's about to|destroy the violet dwarf.

So, whatever I need to know|to stop him, tell me now.

Alas! Stopping Wong|isn't the only problem.

One of the Dark Ones will try to|stop you from stopping him.

So, you must stop it from|stopping you from stopping him.

But how can I stop|it stop me stop him?

Stop it! Behold,|the Omega Device.

That's it?

The name "Omega Device" sort of|conjured up something cooler-looking.

Not that I'm disappointed or anything.

The important thing is what's inside.

- What does that look like?|- No one knows, man.

It was invented|by a blind inventor,

and the one dude he|described it to was deaf.

So the legend goes.

When activated, the device will emit|a localized blast of delta-band noise

to momentarily|disable the Dark One.

- Like farting in a tent?|- No, an elevator.

Which is why you must|strike the enemy at point blank range!

But the Dark One could|look like anything or anyone, right?

Or anywhere.

So, what's your plan to recognize it?

- We don't have one.|- Got it.

And we don't dare|think of one neither.

'Cause if we do, the Dark Ones|might sense kind of the general vibe.

Even through our mighty foil.

Oh, man!|Anyone got some tape or some gum?

As my colleague indicated,|the plan cannot come from us, Fry.

We were counting on you

and your unreadable brain|to come up with something.

- That was a mistake.|- I see that now.

Freaky thing is, the Dark Ones'|thoughts are unreadable, just like yours.

Yes, if we dared unwrap our heads,

we could easily locate the one other being|whose mind we can't read. The Dark One!

But then the Dark One|would read our minds

and crush them|like blood pumpkins.

Wait. I can read minds|and my mind can't be read.

- I have a plan.|- Great.

Whatever it is, don't tell us.

Wait. Fry can read minds|and his mind can't be read.

So he can safely|scan for the Dark One...

Shut up! Shut up!

Leela, time is running out.|We must get to the violet star.

Okay, okay. Shut up, already.

Huh?

Nobody's talking, Leela.

We're just painting each other's|toenails with rat blood.

Lights out, ladies!

Those compact fluorescent|bulbs waste pennies a day.

Okay, feministas, all clear.

Whoa!

We now go live to Leela|with the escape plan.

- Leela?|- Thanks, Linda.

Now we're in here because we|tried to save endangered wildlife.

So this time,|endangered wildlife will save us.

The Martian muck leech.

That's right. He's been living|off me since we got captured.

Little cutie almost sucked me dry.

Look at him go.

Like a green snake|through a sugarcane cake.

Keep trying.

Our top story. The universe's most wanted|eco-feminists are now behind bars,

including gang leader, Turanga Leela.|AKA, the Notorious B-I-Itch.

We finished un-pinking|the ship, Hubert. Now what?

Now we get back to work.

And if that means destroying|an ecosystem or two, so be it.

I just meant without our good|friends Fry, Leela, Amy and the robot.

Oh, boo-hoo. This is a business,|not a social club. Money talks.

True wealth is|measured in friendships.

Shut up, you.

Life goes on.

But I believe we'll forever|carry the pain on the inside.

Oh, no, a rooster!|That indicates it's the following morning.

How's that creepy crawler doing?

I'm sorry, femi-sisters,|but it pooped out around 3:00 a. m.

Poor thing couldn't take another bite.

Well, I guess we failed.

But what matters is, we tried our|best and we looked good doing it.

Bender, is that you?

Who does it look like?|My identical cousin Buster?

Yes.

You're here to break us out?|But you're the one who put us in.

But I'm Bender,|king of the combination shot.

I put you in so that by busting you out,|I could commit 15 felonies at once.

Put my rap sheet miles ahead|of yours on the all-time chart.

You are one devious bastard.

That's what it says on my vanity plate.

- What about the sentries?|- Already taken care of.

I sent them a cake laced with nutmeg.|That's a human sleeping drug, right?

No, it's a human baking drug.

Okay, Plan B. Everyone knows|men have one fatal weakness,

they can't resist hookers.|Dixie, Trixie, you know what to do.

Hello, boys!

Your eyes say no,|but your machine gun fire says...

Ladies and gentleman|and whatever,

welcome to my most environmentally|disastrous implosion ever.

A whole star system!

Kif, old boy, mind if I sit on|your shoulders for a better view?

Well, actually, sir, I was hoping...

Thanks.

My associate Philip Fry here will have|honor to blow this ugly, dirty star

into nice, clean black hole.

Fry, careful those wires.|What you doing down there?

Just polishing your shoes, Mr. W.

That nice. Get between|the toes there, very dirty.

Well, so much for Plan B.

What's Plan C?

All situations have the same Plan C.|Bending, come on.

We're boned, Bender.|It's a brick wall.

Granted, it's not on|the list of approved bendables,

but I'm so great!

Dogs! The boning continues.

Green Bluebird, this is Mr. Fabulous.|We are go for cheesing it.

Professor! Hermes! Zoidberg!

Scruffy. A janitor.

You helped us escape?

Even after we locked you in a go-go|cage like common go-go dancers?

I couldn't live with myself, Leela.|I call myself a scientist,

wear the white coat and probe|a monkey every now and again,

yet I put monetary gain|ahead of preserving nature.

Can you ever forgive me?

I reckon.

- I could kiss you, Professor.|- Okay, but watch out for my new grill.

Before the grand finale, as it were,

it seems only fitting that I,|Commodore 64 Zapp Brannigan,

say a few brief pages in honor of...

Whatever your plan is,|Fry, I suggest you get on with it.

Get... Shoot, I got hot|sauce on my Number 9 shirt.

Okay, locate the Dark One by finding|someone whose thoughts I can't read.

And unaccustomed...

By God!|I'm the greatest speaker of all time.

They're suckling at the|teats of my every syllable.

Allow me now...

His voice is like ear sandpaper.|I miss Amy.

The one secret|no one ever suspected

is that I really did|stage the moon landing.

On Venus.

If I had all the money|in the world, I'd... Oh, wait. I do.

I'd like to thank the academy,|my agent, and most of all,

my operating system,|Windows Vista, for everything it...

System error.

Naked ladies. Naked ladies.|Naked ladies. Naked ladies.

I never should have taken that accent|elimination class from Jackie Chan.

And so, as we obliterize this star,

let us remember those immortal words|once spoken by a great man, moi.

And I quote, "All good|things must come to an end,

"preferably in|a humongous explosion. "

Let's pop this beach ball.

Ten! Nine!

Eight!

There's no one here whose|thoughts can't be read.

No one, except me!

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