Galaxy Quest
1EXT. OUTER SPACE
The vastness of space. Suddenly a hole in the sky opens with a
flash and a SPACESHIP rumbles into view. ON its hull the letters
NSEA PROTECTOR. Magnificent, though on closer inspection it
shudders ever so slightly, denoting pre-CGI model work on a
budget. We're watching a TV show.
LAREDO (V.0.)
We're exiting the time knot now sir!
2.INT. NSEA PROTECTOR COMMAND DECK - SPACE
5 Members of the crew of the NSEA PROTECTOR sit in the large
circa - 1979-"high-tech" cabin. All of them human except for DR.
LAZARUS, a purple reptilian-looking alien. LAREDO is 9. The
crewmates exchange relieved smiles.
FRED:
We're alive.
LAREDO:
We made it Commander, we made it!
LAZARUS (THE ALIEN)
By Grabthar's hammer, we live to tell the tale.
COMPUTER (0.S.)
Systems register functional.
GWEN:
All systems are working, Commander. Commander?
They all turn to look at THE COMMANDER, who turns to reveal
himself dramatically. Good looking. His acting is classic
Charlton Heston take-no-prisoners style. He looks around the
command deck, worried, almost sniffing the air.
COMMANDER:
I don't like it. It was too easy... Look for ambient energy
fields.
LAREDO:
All normal sir... The entire spectrum.
COMMANDER:
Check again Laredo.
LAREDO:
Yes sir, I- Wait. Oh no.
His radar lights up with dots. First a few, then HUNDREDS.
LAREDO:
They're everywhere. There are time knots opening everywhere.
LAZARUS:
IMPACT NOW Commander
Suddenly an EXPLOSION rocks the ship.
GWEN:
A trap.
LAZARUS.
We're surrounded Commander. The entire 5k Ranking is out there.
COMMANDER:
Our plasma armor?
LAREDO:
Gone sir.
COMPUTER (O.S.)
Structural damage at 68 percent.
GWEN:
We're getting major structural damage.
FRED:
It's a core meltdown sir. It can't be stopped
The Commander turns to his advisor, Lazarus.
LAZARUS:
Commander, surrender may be our only option.
COMMANDER:
No, never give up... NEVER surrender.'
GWEN:
The reactor has eaten through four levels... Six levels... The
ship is disintegrating
LAREDO:
Your orders sir?... Sir, your orders?
The Commander walks into close up; Steely determination.
COMMANDER:
Activate the Omega 13.
The crewmates exchange expectant and terrified glances. CLOSE UP
of a crewman's hand as he operates a series controls which in
turn opens five layers of mechanical locks revealing a serious
looking lever. The Commander pulls that lever. A MACHINE Is
revealed, rising from the floor in the middle of the room. It
begins to GLOW. Cut to each actor in turn reacting dramatically.
Then suddenly.. THE PICTURE GOES WHITE, LEADER LEADER NUMBERS
APPEAR, with a STUDIO COPYRIGHT notice.
CUT TO:
3HUNDREDS OF FACES
ENTHRALLED LEGIONS of mostly spotty faced male adolescent FANS
staring into camera. For a moment all is silent. A few are
sobbing. Then a BURST OF THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE... We're at a
SCIENCE FICTION CONVENTION. The enthusiastic crowd of FANS
continue cheering as the master of ceremonies GUY takes the
stage.
GUY:
Well, there you are! You are the first people to see the lost
GALAXY QUEST episode 52 two parter since it was originally aired
in '82! As most of you know, no concluding episode was filmed
when the series was cancelled, so one episode was never included
in the syndication run. Let's hear it for Travis Latke, who
actually rescued the footage from the studio garbage! Can you
believe that?
(Latke stands, fans cheer)
Now for the moment you've all been waiting for... The intrepid
crew of the
NSEA PROTECTOR!
But a STAGEHAND in the wings signals for Guy to "stretch."
GUY:
But first... What is a "hero"? Let's take a look at a few more
clips...
4BACKSTAGE
Here we meet the REAL LIFE ACTORS all dressed as their TV alter
egos... GWEN DEMARCO, beautiful, in a sexy and improbable body
suit. ALEXANDER DANE, (DR. LAZARUS) wearing green alien
prosthetic makeup. FRED KWAN, calm, sitting on an
apple box reading the paper. TOMMY "LAREDO" WEBBER, the youngest
of the group.
TOMMY:
Where the hell is he? An hour and a half late. An hour and a
half!
GWEN:
(looks through curtain)
This is great! They're going to start eating each other out
there.
ALEXANDER (OFFSCREEN)
He's a twit!
TOMMY:
Oh, and did you hear he booked another fan appearance without us?
GWEN:
You're kidding. When for?
TOMMY:
Tomorrow morning, before the store opening.
ALEXANDER (OFFSCREEN)
He's a miserable twit!
GWEN:
The guy is terminally selfish!
FRED:
He ate my sandwich.
GWEN AND TOMMY:
What?
FRED:
A month ago, he ate my sandwich.
TOMMY:
And he ate Fred's SANDWICH!
Gwen turns to notice Alexander staring into a makeup mirror, eyes
roaming over his alien green makeup and scaly rubber features
with a mournful expression.
GWEN:
Oh Alex, get away from that thing...
ALEXANDER:
Dear God.... How did I come to this?
5/4/99(GOLDENROD)
TOMMY:
Not again...
ALEXANDER:
FRED:
"Five curtain calls...
ALEXANDER:
...Five curtain calls! I was an ACTOR once, damn it. Now look at
TOMMY:
Settle down, Alex...
ALEXANDER:
No. I can't go out there! I won't say that ridiculous catch
phrase one more time. I won't. I can't!
GWEN:
At least you had a PART. You had a character people loved! My TV
Guide interview was six paragraphs about this body suit. About
my legs. How did I perfect my trademark sidesaddle pose? Nobody
ever bothered to ask what I DO on the ship...
FRED:
You were the, uh... Wait I'll think of it...
GWEN:
I repeated the computer. "It's getting hotter, Commander!" "The
ship is disintegrating, Commander!" Nothing I did EVER affected
the plot, not ONCE! Nothing I did was ever taken seriously!
TOMMY:
Excuse me. I'm an African American playing a nine year old
Malaysian named Laredo. HELLO!
Suddenly the rear stage doors open and JASON NESMITH ("The
Commander") strolls in, all exuberance and charm.
JASON:
My friends, your Commander has arrived!... Am I too late for
Alexander's panic attack?...(looks at Alex) Apparently so.
(inspects a mole on Alex's neck) That's irregular, you should
have it looked at. (looks at Fred's paper) Lakers are HOT.
Speaking of which... Gwen, you look spectacular.
(they all glare at him)
Oh, what did I do now?
5CONVENTION STAGE On the stage, Guy continues to stall...
GUY:
... Sure, the rocks looked hollow and the sets moved when anyone
humped into them... But we didn't care...
FILM CLIPS are projected behind him: On an alien planet THE
Commander carries the LIMP BODY OF HIS ADVISOR, LAZARUS, ray guns
erupting around him... On the command deck the crew fights a
space battle with crack precision TEAMWORK...
GUY (CONTINUED)
....For those four seasons from '79 to '82 we the viewers
developed the same affection for the crew of the NSEA PROTECTOR
that the crew had for each other... These weren't just
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"Galaxy Quest" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 5 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/galaxy_quest_643>.
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