Galaxy Quest

1EXT. OUTER SPACE

The vastness of space. Suddenly a hole in the sky opens with a

flash and a SPACESHIP rumbles into view. ON its hull the letters

NSEA PROTECTOR. Magnificent, though on closer inspection it

shudders ever so slightly, denoting pre-CGI model work on a

budget. We're watching a TV show.

LAREDO (V.0.)

We're exiting the time knot now sir!

2.INT. NSEA PROTECTOR COMMAND DECK - SPACE

5 Members of the crew of the NSEA PROTECTOR sit in the large

circa - 1979-"high-tech" cabin. All of them human except for DR.

LAZARUS, a purple reptilian-looking alien. LAREDO is 9. The

crewmates exchange relieved smiles.

FRED:

We're alive.

LAREDO:

We made it Commander, we made it!

LAZARUS (THE ALIEN)

By Grabthar's hammer, we live to tell the tale.

COMPUTER (0.S.)

Systems register functional.

GWEN:

All systems are working, Commander. Commander?

They all turn to look at THE COMMANDER, who turns to reveal

himself dramatically. Good looking. His acting is classic

Charlton Heston take-no-prisoners style. He looks around the

command deck, worried, almost sniffing the air.

COMMANDER:

I don't like it. It was too easy... Look for ambient energy

fields.

LAREDO:

All normal sir... The entire spectrum.

COMMANDER:

Check again Laredo.

LAREDO:

Yes sir, I- Wait. Oh no.

His radar lights up with dots. First a few, then HUNDREDS.

LAREDO:

They're everywhere. There are time knots opening everywhere.

LAZARUS:

IMPACT NOW Commander

Suddenly an EXPLOSION rocks the ship.

GWEN:

A trap.

LAZARUS.

We're surrounded Commander. The entire 5k Ranking is out there.

COMMANDER:

Our plasma armor?

LAREDO:

Gone sir.

Another BLAST rocks the room.

COMPUTER (O.S.)

Structural damage at 68 percent.

GWEN:

We're getting major structural damage.

FRED:

It's a core meltdown sir. It can't be stopped

The Commander turns to his advisor, Lazarus.

LAZARUS:

Commander, surrender may be our only option.

COMMANDER:

No, never give up... NEVER surrender.'

GWEN:

The reactor has eaten through four levels... Six levels... The

ship is disintegrating

LAREDO:

Your orders sir?... Sir, your orders?

The Commander walks into close up; Steely determination.

COMMANDER:

Activate the Omega 13.

The crewmates exchange expectant and terrified glances. CLOSE UP

of a crewman's hand as he operates a series controls which in

turn opens five layers of mechanical locks revealing a serious

looking lever. The Commander pulls that lever. A MACHINE Is

revealed, rising from the floor in the middle of the room. It

begins to GLOW. Cut to each actor in turn reacting dramatically.

Then suddenly.. THE PICTURE GOES WHITE, LEADER LEADER NUMBERS

APPEAR, with a STUDIO COPYRIGHT notice.

CUT TO:

3HUNDREDS OF FACES

ENTHRALLED LEGIONS of mostly spotty faced male adolescent FANS

staring into camera. For a moment all is silent. A few are

sobbing. Then a BURST OF THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE... We're at a

SCIENCE FICTION CONVENTION. The enthusiastic crowd of FANS

continue cheering as the master of ceremonies GUY takes the

stage.

GUY:

Well, there you are! You are the first people to see the lost

GALAXY QUEST episode 52 two parter since it was originally aired

in '82! As most of you know, no concluding episode was filmed

when the series was cancelled, so one episode was never included

in the syndication run. Let's hear it for Travis Latke, who

actually rescued the footage from the studio garbage! Can you

believe that?

(Latke stands, fans cheer)

Now for the moment you've all been waiting for... The intrepid

crew of the

NSEA PROTECTOR!

But a STAGEHAND in the wings signals for Guy to "stretch."

GUY:

But first... What is a "hero"? Let's take a look at a few more

clips...

4BACKSTAGE

Here we meet the REAL LIFE ACTORS all dressed as their TV alter

egos... GWEN DEMARCO, beautiful, in a sexy and improbable body

suit. ALEXANDER DANE, (DR. LAZARUS) wearing green alien

prosthetic makeup. FRED KWAN, calm, sitting on an

apple box reading the paper. TOMMY "LAREDO" WEBBER, the youngest

of the group.

TOMMY:

Where the hell is he? An hour and a half late. An hour and a

half!

GWEN:

(looks through curtain)

This is great! They're going to start eating each other out

there.

ALEXANDER (OFFSCREEN)

He's a twit!

TOMMY:

Oh, and did you hear he booked another fan appearance without us?

GWEN:

You're kidding. When for?

TOMMY:

Tomorrow morning, before the store opening.

ALEXANDER (OFFSCREEN)

He's a miserable twit!

GWEN:

The guy is terminally selfish!

FRED:

He ate my sandwich.

GWEN AND TOMMY:

What?

FRED:

A month ago, he ate my sandwich.

TOMMY:

And he ate Fred's SANDWICH!

Gwen turns to notice Alexander staring into a makeup mirror, eyes

roaming over his alien green makeup and scaly rubber features

with a mournful expression.

GWEN:

Oh Alex, get away from that thing...

ALEXANDER:

Dear God.... How did I come to this?

5/4/99(GOLDENROD)

TOMMY:

Not again...

ALEXANDER:

I played Richard III...

FRED:

"Five curtain calls...

ALEXANDER:

...Five curtain calls! I was an ACTOR once, damn it. Now look at

me... LOOK AT ME.

TOMMY:

Settle down, Alex...

ALEXANDER:

No. I can't go out there! I won't say that ridiculous catch

phrase one more time. I won't. I can't!

GWEN:

At least you had a PART. You had a character people loved! My TV

Guide interview was six paragraphs about this body suit. About

my legs. How did I perfect my trademark sidesaddle pose? Nobody

ever bothered to ask what I DO on the ship...

FRED:

You were the, uh... Wait I'll think of it...

GWEN:

I repeated the computer. "It's getting hotter, Commander!" "The

ship is disintegrating, Commander!" Nothing I did EVER affected

the plot, not ONCE! Nothing I did was ever taken seriously!

TOMMY:

Excuse me. I'm an African American playing a nine year old

Malaysian named Laredo. HELLO!

Suddenly the rear stage doors open and JASON NESMITH ("The

Commander") strolls in, all exuberance and charm.

JASON:

My friends, your Commander has arrived!... Am I too late for

Alexander's panic attack?...(looks at Alex) Apparently so.

(inspects a mole on Alex's neck) That's irregular, you should

have it looked at. (looks at Fred's paper) Lakers are HOT.

Speaking of which... Gwen, you look spectacular.

(they all glare at him)

Oh, what did I do now?

5CONVENTION STAGE On the stage, Guy continues to stall...

GUY:

... Sure, the rocks looked hollow and the sets moved when anyone

humped into them... But we didn't care...

FILM CLIPS are projected behind him: On an alien planet THE

Commander carries the LIMP BODY OF HIS ADVISOR, LAZARUS, ray guns

erupting around him... On the command deck the crew fights a

space battle with crack precision TEAMWORK...

GUY (CONTINUED)

....For those four seasons from '79 to '82 we the viewers

developed the same affection for the crew of the NSEA PROTECTOR

that the crew had for each other... These weren't just

adventurers exploring space, these were friends...

6BACKSTAGE - The others surround JASON, fighting.

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