Gallipoli Page #4

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just be warned...

because those proverbial

few moments of pleasure...

are very likely to leave you

with a legacy which is...

horribly painful, difficult to cure...

and may get you sent home

to face embarrassing questions...

from girlfriend and/or wife.

However, I know nothing I say

is going to discourage some of you...

so I'm going to hand you over

to Doc Morgan...

who has had it all and cured it all.

He will show you how

to minimise the risk, so pay attention.

Company, attention!

Quiet!

- Hey.

- Hey, come back here, gypo.

Come back here, little boy.

Hey, jumbo, how much for one mule?

How much?

No.

Hang on,

how much is he charging you, mate?

Five. That's what he wants

to get out of us.

- Four, four.

- No, the official price is two.

- No, five piasters.

- Go on, give him a bit more.

Barn, there is a correct price.

If we pay more,

we're encouraging dishonesty.

Yeah, or we could go and join Dickie

and the chaps at 7:00.

Would you mind shifting those animals

out of the way?

Sorry, sir.

Hey, those four there. Ten piasters.

- All right.

- Okay.

- The correct price is two piasters.

- It'll be worth it, Snow!

Are you going

to the Governor General's ball?

I'll definitely go.

I say, Carruthers,

there's Dickie and the chaps up there.

Charge!

I say, good morning, chaps!

How are we?

Tallyho! After the fox.

You Australians

are crude, undisciplined...

and the most ill-mannered soldiers

I've ever encountered.

Wait till you meet the New Zealanders.

Rabble!

If England needs a hand, well here it is

If England needs a hand, well here it is

If England needs a hand, well here it is

If England needs a hand, well here it is

We'll show the enemy

we're as hard as nails

The boys from Victoria

and New South Wales

South Australia and the West, my lad

Queensland and Tassie know their bizz

So buy the beer, old fellow

and we will always lend a hand

If England needs a hand, well here it is

No, no, no. Clear off. Clear off.

Now, how can they do that, Frank?

Life is cheap here, Snow...

and the women have no respect

for themselves.

- It's the same in most foreign places.

- Barney!

Insolents!

Have a look at this, fellows.

Over 1,000 years old.

- How much did you pay for it?

- I beat him down to two quid.

Bastard!

How much did you pay for yours?

Five bob.

See, what did I tell you?

These gypos are a pack of thieves.

We take picture of you.

That one, I think.

Ready?

Let's go.

What can I do for you, gentlemen?

Sir, we Australians

come to your country as guests.

You are an old civilisation,

we are a new civilisation.

Bill, don't give him

a geography lesson...

- tell him to cough up with the money.

- Yeah.

Listen, Snow, we are not just soldiers,

we are diplomats for our country.

Give my mate back his money

or I'll flatten you.

But, Frank, they're bloody thieves.

They've got a different way

of seeing things here.

You see, our problem is

that I bought this from another shop...

and paid five shillings for it.

Whereas my friend, Mr. Wilson,

bought this from you...

which you can see is exactly the same...

and paid two pound...

which in my country

would seem to be pretty unfair.

- Too right.

- Yeah.

So, we were wondering

if you wouldn't mind taking it back...

and giving us the two pound?

- No! This is not mine, this is yours.

- Listen, mate...

if you tried that where we come from...

you'd last about as long

as a snowflake in summer.

Now cough up the money.

This is not mine!

Now I'm gonna get

really bloody angry here.

Snow!

Now listen, mate. I know how you feel.

But while a sale is a sale...

- Now, what I was saying is while...

- Careful, Frank!

Okay!

Take your money and go! Go!

You're dealing with Australians here,

you know.

Hey, fellows, that wasn't the shop.

This is it here.

Hey, fellows, it was the wrong shop.

Hey, fellows!

Hey, fellows, this way!

We clean, no dirty, we very clean.

Australians, come on!

Hello, honey bunny,

you want to come with me?

- All right, thanks.

- Away.

- My name is Rosie.

- Hello, little kangaroo.

I don't believe...

Set your bo peepers on that.

I wonder...

I wonder if it'd be too much trouble

to ask how much?

- Twenty piasters.

- Twenty? Cripes, that's only four bob!

Barney, cut it out!

Snow, this is wartime

and in a month we might be dead.

Billy, they're common, they're cheap.

- Relatively.

- This beats antiques, I'm game.

You wait here, Snow,

we'll be back in a few minutes.

Don't give them a penny till it's all over.

You know what? I'm disgusted.

What are you going to say to your wives

on your wedding night?

Barney, calm down,

you don't win a medal for finishing third.

Hello! You, my friend, hello!

Welcome, Australia.

Bugger off.

- Hello, Australia!

- Hello!

- Hello, Australia.

- Buy from me!

Welcome to my country.

- You buy from me, my name is Yosef.

- Company! Halt!

Rest easy.

Two for one!

Put that canteen away, there, man!

You buy?

All right, let's have some quiet.

As you all know,

this morning's exercise...

involves a frontal assault

on an enemy trench!

The enemy being some gentlemen

from the Light Horse!

Now, these gentlemen...

presumably because their asses

are higher from the ground than ours...

tend to assume airs of superiority!

But they won't have their horses

with them today.

So I want you to go out there

this morning...

and short of actually killing them...

show them the stuff

the Infantry is made of!

Load!

Keep calm and keep steady!

Aim high!

Fire at will!

Fire!

Yosef! Me, Yosef!

- How are you, Frank?

- You bugger!

- What do you men think you're doing?

- We're mates, sir.

This is supposed to be warfare.

All right, break this up over here.

Jolly enthusiastic.

Someone's taken my bloody oranges!

Right, survivors, dress the wounded

and carry them back to the A-post!

Lie down, Arch, come on.

Who killed you?

Well, you can't all be bloody wounded!

Those of you not designated to be dead,

on your feet now!

Who killed you?

Beat it, mate, we're dead.

We're dead, mate, piss off!

- Three!

- Five piasters.

- See you now. Tuesday, 7:00.

- Right.

- Don't forget!

- Bye, boys.

Bye!

Hey, you know what your problem is?

- What?

- The way you start.

- You're wrong, Arch. You're wrong.

- No! No, no.

Crouching makes all the difference.

Harry Lasalles proved that.

Archy, you're wrong.

Now, if you crouch down,

you've got further to go to get up.

Try it. First to the pyramids.

- Okay, you're on.

- Ready?

Set. Go!

We're both...

We're both mad!

No. Maybe if you were brothers.

- But, sir, we...

- I said no.

Sir, we're not taking our horses, sir.

He wouldn't have to ride at all.

Now, look, your own blokes

are going across very soon.

Now why do you want

a transfer, Dunne?

Archy and I are mates, sir.

- That's not good enough.

- We trained together, sir.

- You runners?

- Yes, sir.

- Sprinters?

- Yes, sir.

What's your best time for the 100?

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