Gambit Page #5

Perhaps, Major, could you not

contrive to neutralise him

simply with a...

well, with a gun of some sort?

With a silencer screwed onto the tip

of the thing, the barrel there?

- Mr Deane.

- Hmm?

Too much? No, you're right,

it's too outlandish.

I'll take care of Zaidenweber.

More pressing is how do we get

our rogue elephant

out of the most expensive hotel

in London?

Oh, er, sorry, sir. I haven't quite got

the knack of this.

She is a person without vision, Major.

She cannot see the plan,

so she will not believe in the plan.

Instant gratification is her

modus vivendi, discipline a dirty word.

There's something

awfully refreshing about her.

There's something refreshing

about being plunged into an ice bath

and flogged with a birch switch.

Oh, yes, good flogging.

Madam Olga, Pennypockets Lane,

third floor to the rear.

- Yeah?

- Martin?

- Ja, this is Martin Zaidenweber, ja.

- Martin, it's Harry.

- Harry Trinkwasser?

- No, Harry Deane, calling from London.

- How's Cologne?

- Kln?

Oh, ja! Kln is... is good, not so bad.

Of course, I'm in Kln.

You catch me at my gym.

Practising physical culture. I am gaily

shvitzing away the kilos, you know?

We have to fight the heftiness!

Oh, absolutely.

Look, I know this will seem

a little out of the blue,

and it's sort of embarrassing to say,

but I'm calling to ask

if you might have a job on offer soon.

- Job?

- I'm going to be free soon.

I'm about to kiss Shabandar off.

- You will kiss him off?

- Quitting, yes.

Rather embarrassing,

but Shabandar's having problems.

Business problems.

Rumour has it he's built himself

a bit of a house of cards.

- A card house?

- Yeah.

Just last week,

my pay cheque didn't clear.

- Good evening.

- Good evening, sir.

- What can we do for you?

- Well, I'm checking my friend out.

Lovely room.

She's quite enjoyed her stay.

But I can authorise no further payments

against my credit card.

So we're going to have to

throw her out on her ear.

- Actually...

- Give her the old heave-ho.

Bags packed, out on the pavement.

Actually, sir, those charges have been

assumed as of 4:
17 this afternoon

by another party.

In fact, I believe she has been

moved up to a senior suite.

Senior suite.

She's been moved up to...

Who the bloody hell...?

Lord Shabandar

called round. You just missed him.

He left with the young lady

in evening wear.

Hmm.

- Evening wear?

- Yes, sir.

- Quite striking.

- Indeed.

A gift from His Lordship.

Fine. Excellent. Well, good, then.

But I'd be happy

to close out your account. Let me see.

Charges accumulating

prior to this evening...

Yes, here we are.

It'll just be two shakes, sir.

How is the...

the Major this evening, sir?

- Hmm?

- The Major.

He's alright, I suppose.

- Seems like a busy little fellow.

- Not so little, I would hazard.

He's lost a bit of weight recently.

- Semi-retired now.

- That is a pity, sir.

- At least it's... semi.

- Hmm.

Leaving that on the American Express

card, are we, sir?

Yes, thank you.

Now, the task this evening

is quite straightforward.

The Japanese ran the world in the '80s

and my little friend Takagawa

screwed me a dozen times.

Well, now the boot is on the other foot.

So it's kind of like a grudge match.

He's still pissed off

that I beat him to Haystacks, Dawn.

Now, if I can get his lackeys to sell me

their 220 television channels,

I become the third largest provider

of premium cable in the whole of Asia

and the Shabandar lion

can finally roar over Japan.

Hello. Good day, Mr Shabandar.

I am your interpreter

from Konichiwa Media Group.

- I am Chuck.

- Delighted to meet you.

This is Ms Philomena Puznowski.

Hi.

Hello. Good day. I am your interpreter

from Konichiwa Media Group.

I am Chuck.

This is Mr Katsuhara Cho.

Very powerful big man

of Konichiwa Media Group.

I present Mr Shabandar

and Ms Puznoskusam.

Marvellous.

I think we'll just pick up the names

as we go along, don't you?

- It's a pleasure to meet you all.

- And that goes double for me.

As I said,

these dinners can be difficult.

Don't worry.

These guys seem pretty harmless.

They're evil little shits.

Watch me crush them.

It occurs to me, I'm afraid

I left my glasses up in the room.

Would it... Would the key still work

for me to run up and have a look?

- You're wearing them, sir.

- These, to be sure, yes.

No, I mean my other glasses,

my distance glasses.

Distance.

I'll run you another key, sir.

Huh.

Bloody hell!

Hello!

Hello!

This is Extra Vroom-Vroom channel.

- Aim at people love car.

- Hmm.

This is Extra Killer Whale channel

for people like watch whale

eat other people.

- Very popular after ten o'clock.

- Hmm.

This is Let's Young channel.

For young teenage wear hair extra crazy,

drink sake all night, puke in street.

Combined viewer for Konichiwa TV,

- Yes.

- Yes, yes, very impressive.

Of course,

I'm familiar with the figures.

However...

...my offer for the group was made

in pounds sterling, not yen.

But the recent rise of your currency

relative to the pound

would raise my cost fully ten percent,

and that, gentlemen,

is an obligation I never undertook

and do not propose to undertake now.

There is snow on the mountains

in the winter

and the man, in despair,

cannot walk to the next valley.

But in spring, snow melts

and is remembered in tranquillity.

Right. Sure, OK, I got you.

Yeah, see, what I think the big man here

is trying to tell you is

he may have been tough on the price

and a real son of a b*tch until now,

but if you kind of party down with him

so he don't lose face,

maybe things'll go your way.

But he ain't about to say it straight

out and look like a wimp, right?

If you really wanna

butter these boys up,

you ought to invite them all

out to your house.

You know, break some bread, mano a mano.

Have 'em out for the gala,

why don't you?

Maybe you're right.

God, what a bore.

Can't be so terribly difficult.

Just one foot...

...in front of the other.

Let's go dancing!

Oh, sod it.

You're a bit of a marvel. I hope

you'll stay on, even after the gala.

I could use somebody

with your qualities.

Well, I guess I got qualities at that.

That you do, Ms Puznowski.

That you do.

For Pete's sake, this time I think

you really are trying to get me drunk,

with all that rice wine an' all.

Well, why not?

No more business this evening.

This is a strictly social part

of the day.

Let's get, as you might say, down,

I believe, shall we?

- Say that one more time, please.

- Let us get down.

Oh, bugger me.

Well, Lionel,

tonight was real, real fun.

That sounds like the past tense.

The...

Bloody tart!

Well, that seems to have had

the desired effect.

My Pants.

My bloody trousers!

Lionel, you know,

this ain't the place to be...

Nonsense.

This is precisely what hotels are for.

In the tree!

- Taxi!

- My bloody trousers!

Out snogging about when I'm trying

to bloody stay on plan.

This is absurd.

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