Gangsta Granny

1

She's so boring.

Ben, don't talk

about your gran like that.

Well, she is, but your dad's right.

Don't be rude.

Hurry up.

Oh, hello, son.

How's my little Benny?

Hello, Mother. How are you?

Oh, not so bad.

Great, well, gotta go.

Oh, can you not pop in

for a quick cuppa?

Well, I'd love to, but...

Mikey, are you going to

be in there all day?

Linds!

You all right, dear?

Yes, thank you, dear.

Sorry, we've been up to

our eye-balls at the salon.

We've had a rush on spray-tans.

Ben, one of us will pick you up

in the morning at 11.

Could you make it 10?

Son... Well, have fun, you two.

Don't get into too much trouble.

Put your foot down, Mikey.

It's time to...

Start dancing!

I've got your favourite for

your tea tonight. Cabbage soup.

Come on in.

So, how's school?

Hmm, fine.

Good.

How are things outside of school?

The things you're up to

outside of school hours.

Yeah, fine.

Cabbage soup OK?

Fine.

Mm. Good.

Fine.

Oh, you'll be pleased to know

the main course is cabbage pie

with boiled cabbage on the side.

Oh, you polished that off

good and proper.

I'm spraying pine and apple

together to make pineapple.

Well, this is nice.

Want to guess what I'm doing, Benny?

Knitting?

Yes, that's right, young man.

I am knitting,

but what am I knitting?

Another jumper with a kitten on it?

That's right. I can't tell you

what lucky boy it's for.

You'll just have to wait

till Christmas.

("Bolero" by

Maurice Ravel plays)

Well, that's a double word score,

triple letter score.

That's 87 to me.

Oh, it's getting ever so late.

Time for your beddy-byes, young man.

Once upon a time, a little boy

called Benny, about your age,

looked under his bed

and found a magic carpet.

Oh! Sorry, Gran, do you know what?

I'm really tired.

Oh, oh, I know...

you're too old for that sort of thing

now, aren't you?

Silly old Gran.

I'll leave you be.

Nighty night.

'Hello?'

Dad, can you come and get me?

I'm bored.

Ben, this isn't a good time.

We're in the middle cha

of our cha-cha-cha.

You are being very selfish.

I've had a long week.

I've done 152 spray tans.

28 on me.

28 on your father.

This is our time to unwind.

But it's torture here.

I'm sorry. There seems to be a...

...problem on the line.

Granny?

They'll be here to pick you up soon.

Thanks for letting me stay.

Are you OK, Gran?

Mmm.

Oh, your mum's here.

Not stopping. Must be very busy.

Goodbye, then.

I'll see you next Friday.

Yes, yes.

A-ha, Ben, my favourite customer.

I know you're a man who knows

a great deal when he hears one.

I have a very special

one-day-only offer.

What is it, Raj?

24 Cornettos for the price of...23!

That's one Cornetto free of any

charge! Only for my VIP customer.

And what am I going to do

with 24 Cornettos?

Eat 12 now, and put

12 in your pockets for later.

They're not out of date, are they?

So, you're coming here

for your Plumbing Weekly.

I've kept it here safe for you,

and this week there's a free gift.

A U-bend. Cool.

We need a new one of those.

Do you spend all

your spare time plumbing?

Yeah, when I'm not

at my boring old granny's.

Tut tut, and a third tut.

Just because your granny is old

does not mean she is boring.

She comes here on Wednesday

afternoons to buy her

Murray Mints and tissues,

you know, granny equipment, and

we have many interesting chats.

Really?

Oh, yes. There is more to her

than meets the eye.

I bet your granny

has a secret or two.

Old people always do.

Not my granny. See you later.

Is this right for a boy of his age?

No. When I was his age

I was like any normal lad.

Upstairs in my bedroom

trying on sequinned outfits.

Do you remember all those years ago,

when you put your hands on my belly?

We felt those little kicks

and said...

He's going to be a dancer!

What happened?

Ben, are you going to be long?

I need toilet.

Finished! Go and have a manly chat

with him. But I really need to go.

Multi-task!

Cor, men.

So, Ben, we're having a guy chat.

Father to son.

What are we chatting about?

Oh, er, football. Eh, son?

Football.

To be honest, Dad,

I don't really like football.

What? I said

I don't really like football.

Me neither. It's just, me

and your mum are worried.

You spend all your time plumbing.

But I love it, and I want to be

a plumber when I grow up.

Yes, yes, but it's tough

to make it to the very top

of the plumbing world.

You need something to fall back on.

Like what?

Ballroom dancing.

See you later.

See you tomorrow.

Maybe more like 12. Or one.

Benjamin, isn't it?

Hello, Mr Parker.

How's the Neighbourhood Watch?

18 visits in as many weeks.

Any weapons on you?

No.

Nunchuckas? No.

Ninja throwing stars? No.

Bamboo fighting sticks? No!

So, you have spray cans with

which you intend to graffiti-ise

the close. No.

Hmm.

Purpose of visit?

I'm here to see my gran.

The so-called pensioner.

Terrence, camera please.

Look into the lens.

On your way.

Gran? I'm...

You hungry, Ben?

Sort of.

Oh, good, cos I've got

a new cabbage soup on.

To be honest, Gran...

As much as I love cabbage,

you know, I'm a bit...

Cabbaged out?

Yeah, exactly.

And have you got

anything that isn't...

Cabbagey? Let me think.

I might have some biscuits.

There's a tin in the kitchen.

Go have a look.

Try on top of the cupboard.

You all right in there, Ben?

Did you find anything?

Not a thing. Nothing. No.

I didn't find anything

in the cupboard at all.

Never mind. I'll just go stir up

the cabbage stew then.

("Strictly Come Dancing"

Theme plays)

Oh!

Now, Mikey, please rip the

cellophane off the dip assortment.

With pleasure, lady.

Saturday night has begun.

Mum? Shh! It's started.

But it's only the titles bit.

Still! Shh.

Hush!

Dad,

can I go to Granny's

again tonight?

Are you sure?

I suppose I could drive

you round after the show.

Your mother and I could enjoy

a little...paso doble.

Let me give her a call.

How long does it take...?

Oh, hello, Mother!

Ben was wondering if he could

come over later.

Oh, really?

All right. Goodbye then.

Sorry, son,

she said she's going out.

What? But she never goes out.

Silence!

Please.

Flavio is on.

And now let's have a quick chat

with our red hot Latin lover,

Flavio Flavioli.

'Thanks, Claudia.

This evening I am ready to rumba!'

'Ladies, things are really going

to hot up this week.

'Oh, yes, it's a scorchie,

scorchie, burn up the floor!'

No!

Down here. Cameras. What on earth

do you think you're doing?

What are you doing, more like?

I asked first.

I followed you.

I found the biscuit tin.

The one with the j... You mustn't

say a word about that tin.

Or what you saw here tonight.

Promise?

Promise?!

Promise. On one condition.

You have to tell me everything.

Come round tomorrow.

Make sure nobody follows you.

But before three.

It's mobile library day.

OK, Gran.

But...

Gran?

Are you OK, Ben?

We heard a lot of noise.

And why is the window open?

Have you been out?

Of course not.

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