Gangsta Granny Page #2

Well, what have you been doing?

Um, dancing?

My man-to-man chat worked.

As I knew it would.

Yeah, I was really inspired

by whatever it was you said.

I just had to give it a go.

He's got it now.

He's got the bug.

Open the Asti Spumante.

Our boy is going to be a dancer.

Come here, son.

I'm so proud of you.

Yeah. Oh, no, that is a shame.

Oh, how awful.

Yeah, yeah, no,

I'll pass that on right away.

OK, ta-ta.

Ben, I have good news.

I have amazing news.

I have sensational news.

Which would you like first?

Er, the good news?

Ricky Diamond came off

his skateboard yesterday -

broke all his arms and legs!

Are you sure that's the good news?

Yes!

Because it brings us

to the amazing news. Now,

Florence Star

needs a new partner for...

..the Junior Regional

Ballroom Championships!

I don't think I'm ready

for a competition just yet.

Modest. Yes.

The judges will lap it up.

OK. What's the sensational news?

Flavio.

He's got a new puppy!

Aww-w-w-w-w!

You didn't say it was THAT Ben.

He'd better be as good

as you say he is, Linda.

Dancing is in his blood.

He's like me.

That's what worries me.

Excuse me?

I said, "That's what worries me."

Ben will not let you down. Will you?

I hope he's versatile.

Florence is very versatile.

I can dance anything.

I can dance tango, I can dance jive,

I can dance foxtrot.

I can dance swing. I can dance

rock 'n' roll and Lindy hop.

I can dance anything, really.

She can dance anything, really.

She's studying ballet for a week

in Paris next year.

That's in France. Oh, you see?

She's a genius in geography too.

Well, we'll leave you two to it.

Make magic.

Some really "wow" moments, please.

Yeah. Yeah. Can we have some

really "wow" moments, please?

I just said that.

Well, we haven't got long,

so I've made a rehearsal plan.

The thing is, Florence,

I'm so good at dancing,

I like to let my partners rehearse

on their own first, you know?

So they can get up to speed.

I don't need to "get up to speed".

I know every dance there is.

Do you though? Do you know

the quicktrot?

The rumbum?

Can you do the shimmy shammy?

You've made those up.

You learn those and

I'll see you in a week. Bye.

Ben!

Oh, and don't forget

the Spanish otter.

This is amazing.

I was just a girl when it all began.

I was from a very poor family.

Growing up, I'd never even seen

diamonds and sapphires,

rubies like this.

Oh! Look at it.

Buried under the ground

for billions of years.

What a beauty.

And once I got a taste for

stealing them, I couldn't stop.

Every one of these

has its own story.

What about this one?

Ah, I stole that from

a rich American heiress

when I was working below decks

on an ocean liner.

Wow.

And that one?

From a castle

in deepest, darkest Russia.

It belonged to the last tsarina.

Wow, it's enormous.

What was that? What was what?

I thought someone was

outside the window.

I think your mind's

playing tricks on you.

Now, this is the biggest one.

From a maharani in India, no less.

I had to scale the wall

of their palace.

How? Well,

I climbed onto the back

of an elephant

and shimmied up its trunk,

right into the maharaja's chamber.

You must have half the police

in the world looking for you.

Oh, yes. They couldn't catch me.

But they gave me a name.

The Black Cat.

The Black Cat.

Hold on. So how did you end up

living in a small house

with a broken telly?

Oh, I never sold any of it.

That's the way you get caught.

No, I stole for the sport,

but when your dad came along

40 years ago, I gave it up.

Had to be a mum, not

an international jewel thief.

Now, how about a nice game

of Scrabble?

What? You can't play Scrabble.

You're like someone

from one of those songs

I'm not allowed to listen to.

You're a gangsta.

It was a very long time ago.

You're a gangsta.

"Gangsta granny".

That's right.

We've got to get you blinged up.

You've got to get with the slang.

So the police are...

Bobbies?

Feds!

("Walk This Way" by

Aerosmith ft Run DMC plays)

Oh, and a "sick tune"

is a good song.

Perry Como.

He dropped some sick tunes.

Get me?

Imma gonna

jack your ice for shizza.

Well good.

Yes, I'm sounding quite

thugged out now.

For real. True dat, cuz.

These must be the most valuable

jewels in the world.

Oh, no. No, I never did get those.

Those? What were they?

It's Mr Parker outside the window!

I can't see.

I'm not going to chokey.

Ben, stall him. What? How?

But don't kill him.

Unless you really have to.

Suspicious amount of jewellery

on your grandmother.

I can explain.

By the power vested

in myself by myself,

I shall conduct a full

search of these premises.

You can't come in here. Why not?

Because...Granny's

doing her naked yoga.

A likely story!

Out of my way.

Madam, I demand to...

Mr Parker, I'm in the middle

of my tree pose.

Yes, but, but, but I mean...

Where are the jewels?

What are you talking about?

Hand them o...

Hand them over, or this will

become a matter for the police.

Oh, fine. And when they get here,

I'll report you.

What for? Spying on old ladies

in their underwear.

But you were fully clothed

when I looked through the window!

That's what they all say.

You've not heard the last of this.

Better put the jewels away.

OK, but first...

Yes, Ben?

You might want to put

some clothes on. Ooh, sorry.

Sorry, Ben. Sorry.

Ben?

Benno?

Ben-Ben!

Benny Ben.

The Ben man!

BEN!

Your mother needs to

talk to you about your outfit.

I don't really need a costume, do I?

You need something with zhuzh.

You need something with pizzazz.

Something that says,

"Everyone, look at me.

Look at me, everyone.

"And now!"

I've had...

I've had one or two ideas.

The love bomb.

Fruit cocktail.

Piano man.

The Quality Street.

Brian Cox's

Wonders of the Solar System.

The Hedgerow Ant Badger.

And, finally,

the Great British Bake-Off.

The recipe for success.

Oh, that's special.

You're special. Oh, stop it.

Can't I just wear jeans

and a t-shirt?

Ben...

The first one then.

The love bomb it is.

Now, I have to make

the trousers more flarey.

Do you think it needs more hearts?

I think it needs more hearts. Yeah.

Dad, can I ask you a question?

What? Nothing too taxing, please.

I was just wondering,

what is the most valuable

set of jewels in the world?

Oh, I know this one.

It was on Pointless.

The Crown Jewels.

Belongs to the Queen.

You got the crown thing...

The ball thing...

The stick thing.

Must be worth a fortune.

Thanks, Dad. Gotta go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I'll need you for a fitting.

Florence wants an extra practice.

How do you know? She hasn't called.

Well, when you're dance partners

like me and Flo,

you just know. It's telepathy.

Ooh, OK, Florence,

I'll be right with you.

The binoculars, Terrence.

Make a note of the colour

of his trousers, son.

That's if they are his trousers.

Purloined from

the local charity shop.

Are you OK, Gran?

Yes.

Yes, oh, I'm fine, thank you.

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