Gangsta Granny Page #3

Well, I'm just having a little nap.

Come in.

It's the Crown Jewels.

What's the Crown Jewels?

The ones you never managed to steal.

Oh, that's right.

Oh, yeah, they are the most

valuable jewels in the world.

But stealing from the Queen...

She looks like such a nice lady.

She's got loads of jewels.

She's not going to miss a few.

Now, Ben, listen to me.

I know you like

hearing all my stories,

but you really must forget about

this whole stealing jewels malarkey.

But... No, no.

I've put it all behind me now.

Besides, the Crown Jewels...

It's impossible.

Nothing's impossible

for the Black Cat.

("Don't Stop Me Now"

by Queen plays)

Cos I'm having such a good time

Having a good time

Don't stop me now

I'm having such a good time

I'm having a ball

Don't stop me now

If you wanna have a good time

Just give me a call

Don't stop me now

Cos I'm having a good time

Don't stop me now

Yes, I'm having a good time

I don't wanna stop at all

Don't stop me now

I'm having such a good time

I'm having a ball

Don't stop me now

If you want to have a good time

Just give me a call

Don't stop me now

Cos I'm having a good time

Don't stop me now

Yes, I'm having a good time

I don't want to stop at all.

Off to Gran's. I'm ready.

Bad news, Ben.

Granny's had a fall.

Dr Sergeant to theatre,

please. Dr Sergeant to theatre.

Oh, hello, dears.

Lovely of you to come.

How are you feeling, Mum?

Oh, not too clever.

One minute

I'm reaching for a tin of soup,

the next I'm lying

face downwards on the lino.

How long were you there?

Oh, not long.

A day or so.

I'm sorry, Mum.

It's funny, cos

I was going to call you yesterday.

You know, for one of our...

our girly natters.

Oh, well.

You weren't to know, my dear.

What did the doctors say?

Well they've given me all sorts

of tests. X-Rays, scans, whatnot.

They're going to come

and talk to me later.

Hopefully won't be in here too long.

I hope so too.

Well,

we better let you get some rest.

Well, I'd like to stay a bit longer.

You know I don't like hospitals.

Yeah, but... Michael.

We're off.

Yeah, thanks for coming.

See you soon.

Dr Lipsey to room 842.

Dr Lipsey, please go to 842.

Oh, I've left my bag in there.

Don't worry.

I'll meet you in the car park.

I'm sorry.

We just spotted it too late.

Oh.

You OK, Granny?

Yes. Yes, I'm fine, thank you.

Good, because I've worked out a way

to steal the Crown Jewels.

Oh, Ben.

It's all about the plumbing.

You see, the tower

has a 500-year-old sewer

running underneath it

and that's our way in.

You're forgetting the place

is teeming with Beefeaters.

I've memorised and timed

all their patrol routes.

And how do

we get into the jewel house?

Drill the locks off the doors?

The Crown Jewels are kept

behind bulletproof glass.

Uncle Derrick. He got me this

chemistry set from the market,

and it has this metal

that blows up when it touches water.

Well, seems like you've thought

the whole thing out.

Well?

Oh, you're not serious?

One last job for the Black Cat.

One last job. Oh.

So, what do you think?

I'm in. Yes!

Ben, there's one small problem.

What? I'm not meant to leave here.

Excuse me.

Mrs Norris.

Mrs Norris!

Hey, there!

Mrs Norris!

You're not a doctor.

I am.

Yes. Yes.

He's got YFS.

What?

Young Face Syndrome.

It's what inspired him

to go into medicine.

I'm 52.

Doors opening.

They discharged me.

Drive!

So, Granny, do you need a couple

of days to get your strength back?

No. No, it has to be sooner.

'Let's do it on Friday.'

'Just think, this time next week

the Crown Jewels will be ours.'

'One last job for the Black Cat.'

'Yeah.'

Oh, you silver-maned menace.

I have you now.

It's Friday night.

You ready, son?

Yeah. You don't have

to pick me up too early tomorrow.

Me and Gran will be playing

Scrabble way into the night.

You're not going

to Granny's tonight.

No?

No.

Oh, he's pretending he's forgotten.

It's the ballroom championships.

Oh.

("Et C'est La Rencontre"

by Frederic Clement plays)

Let's hope Ben

doesn't let my princess down.

As if my little prince would.

Your boy hasn't turned up

to any rehearsals.

He used telephony.

Anything less than straight tens

would be a disappointment.

Anything less than straight tens

would be a disappointment.

Yeah, I said that.

Please welcome

your host for this evening,

the star of Strictly.

And he was once a guest

on Saturday Kitchen.

Go wild...

for Flavio Flavioli!

Good evening...

Basildon.

Are you ready to rumba?

No, no, no.

Flavio. He no hear you. I say,

are you ready to rumba?

I don't want to hurt you, Flavio.

I just want to love you.

Ben, we haven't practised once.

I need to ask you a question

and I promise I won't be angry

with you if you answer me honestly.

Have you ever danced before?

Erm...

No.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you!

Superbio.

Please welcome our next

young ballroom superstars,

Florence and Ben.

You're on your own.

Dance.

Well, that was, how you say,

interesting.

Well, let's see what our judges

think about your performance.

Over to you, judges, with the scores!

So you have 0, 0, 0,

which give you

a combined total of 0.

You ruined it for my princess!

Flavio!

He needs the kiss of life.

Get off me,

you nutter!

We need to get out of here now!

Come on. Let's get them.

I'm sorry.

Yes, you're right.

We have done everything for him.

No, you don't deserve this.

Yes, I agree, Linda.

You did go too far with Flavio.

I did not say that.

Where were you?

We said 7!

Granny?

The Black Cat, actually.

Why are you dressed

as a teddy from a card shop?

Mum made me. It's a long story.

Shut it. No time. You ready?

Ready for what?

To steal the blooming Crown Jewels!

Oh, it's the feds.

Hold on, I'm going to floor it.

Go on, Granny, they're catching up.

Come on, Granny,

they're getting closer!

Is this your vehicle, madam?

Yes, officer.

Because we've had reports

of one of these being driven

illegally on a motorway.

Speeds of up to 8 miles an hour.

Two people.

Also illegal.

Wouldn't be you, would it?

Oh!

Have you been drinking?

I had a glass of sherry at Easter.

So...what are you two

doing out so late?

We're going to a late-night rally

of mobility scooters.

Rally of mobility scooters.

And where is this

mobility scooter rally exactly?

Near the Tower of London.

Oh, but don't worry,

we're not going to steal anything

from the Tower of London.

No, that would be wrong.

No, we are going there

purely for

the mobility scooter rally.

Well...

We better be off.

Stop right there.

Let me give you a lift.

Enjoy the rally.

Nincompoop.

Oh, blimey.

Right, so...

..the drain cover

should be right about...

..here.

Oh, come on, Millicent.

Come on, old girl, you can do it.

Oh.

Stop!

Phew!

Do you want to say it or shall I?

You say it.

Let's rock'n'roll!

How long does this go on for?

It's actually one of the longest

stretches of sewer in London.

Well, aren't I the lucky one?

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