Gangsta Granny Page #4

Oh! What was that?

It's probably just a rat.

Steady.

Oh.

Over here. Look. Go, go, go.

Beefeaters everywhere.

They must have put more on tonight.

Don't worry.

I've got an idea.

Quick!

Oh, my stars and garters,

they're beautiful!

Wow!

Back. Back.

Now, here,

squirt on the count of 5, 4, 3, 2...

Ahem!

Your Majesty!

What on earth are you doing here?

I mean, what on earth are you

doing here, Ma'am?

One has a Queen's speech to write...

..and I find it easier...

..to think Queenly thoughts

wearing the right sort of hat.

Hm...

Yeah. That's better.

Now, more to the point,

what are you two doing here?

It... It's quite difficult

to explain, Your Majesty.

Do you have one of these?

They give them to the elderly.

You press that button

and help comes.

Only my one brings the SAS,

so you better start explaining or

it's clicky-clicky, shooty-shooty.

I am solely to blame.

No, it was me who said

we should steal the Crown Jewels.

But it was me

that started this whole thing

when I pretended to be

an international jewel thief.

Pretended?!

My grandson.

He hated staying with me.

I heard him saying how boring I was.

I don't think that now!

No, I know, dear,

but the truth is I WAS boring.

I just ate cabbage

and played Scrabble.

So one night I made up

a story to amuse him

that I was really the Black Cat.

Hang on.

What about the jewels in the tin?

Worthless, dear. Costume jewellery.

Your dad used to play with them

when he was a boy.

Oh, do what you want with me.

Lock me up in the Tower for ever,

but, I beg of you, let the boy go.

He's only 11.

Nearly 12!

What to do?

On the one hand,

one finds the story very touching,

yet, you have committed high treason

and it's so long

since we've had a good hanging...

..but one does understand,

one is a grandmother oneself,

and between you and me,

I know that my own grandchildren

sometimes find me dull.

But you're the Queen!

Tell me about it.

They sometimes forget you were

young once, don't they?

Mmm. You know,

the young people of this country

should give more time

to the elderly.

Yes, yes.

Do you know what happened

to the last man who tried

to steal the Crown Jewels?

He was pardoned.

In 1671, a Colonel Blood was caught

in the very act of robbery...

and King Charles II

found his daring so amusing...

..that he decided

to let him go free.

So in strict Royal tradition,

that is what I shall do.

You may leave.

Thank you. Thank you, Your Majesty.

No, no, no, no grovelling, please.

That's just for work days.

We heard voices, Your Majesty.

Just talking to myself again, boys.

Ooh!

Now, Ben...

..it's been quite a night.

I loved it.

But don't get a taste

for this sort of thing.

Plumbing is your gift.

I know.

Good boy.

We were very lucky

to get away with it.

'This is the police.

You are surrounded.'

'Put your hands in the air and step

away from the tartan shopper.'

Thought you could steal

the Crown Jewels?

Well, it's all over.

Only crown you'll be seeing from now

on is the inside of a Crown Court.

If we stole the Crown Jewels,

Mr Parker, where are they?

Stephens.

Washing up liquid bottle.

Air fresheners.

Tin of cabbage soup...

and another tin of cabbage soup.

Mr Parker, this had better not be

another false alarm.

Where have you been all night?

We were at a mobility scooter rally.

HE SCOFFS:

If you believe that you'll

believe... It's true.

I gave them a lift there.

But we heard them!

Didn't we, Terrence?

She's an international jewel thief!

Me?!

I'm just a boring old granny.

All elements stand down.

Come on. Wrap it up.

Come on, lads.

Dad, next weekend, can we

PLEASE just play Crazy Golf?

Yes, son.

As long as you let me win.

Oh, I'm cream-crackered. Me too.

I wouldn't have missed it

for the world.

Oh, the joy of being alive!

Are you OK, Gran?

I'm fine, honestly. I'm...

Oh...

Ben...

I lied to you at the hospital.

What?!

Well, what the doctor

told me was that

what I've got...

won't get better.

Now, I haven't got long, but I...

Listen...

Nobody lives forever, hmm?

But...I hope you don't forget

your boring old granny.

Never.

Ben, your dad and I

have had a little chat.

We were wrong

to make you do the dancing

when your heart clearly isn't in it.

And you're not very good.

You like plumbing...

so plumb all you like.

And just take your dance

classes at weekends.

Mum, Dad...Granny's not well.

I know. I spoke to the doctor.

I didn't want to upset you,

and Granny wouldn't want us

to worry, but...

I am worried.

I don't want to lose her.

We'll all look after her

from now on.

Together.

You know what I'll miss the most?

The stories she used to tell.

When I was little, she used to make

up the most amazing tales for me.

Me too.

I'll never forget them.

Did she make up stories for you

about the jewels?

What jewels?

The costume jewels? The ones you

played with when you were a boy.

No...

we never had any jewels

in the house growing up.

I'd remember that.

That's weird. That's really weird.

Thing is, Ben, your granny was

so good at spinning the yarn...

you could never quite be sure

what was made up and what was real.

What happened to all her stuff?

Well, kept all her old photographs

for us to have

and a few other bits and bobs.

Everything else

went to the charity shop.

That's what she would have wanted.

A-ha, Benjamin!

How are you getting on?

OK.

Your grandmother was

a very special lady.

Thanks, Raj.

And in her memory I would like

to give you a free gift.

She loved a bag of Murray Mints,

so...here you are.

Thank you.

It's just the one mint.

Oh.

Go on then. Have the whole bag.

Thank you. 59 pence.

What's this?

Haven't you heard?

Someone left a load of jewels

outside the local charity shop,

in an old biscuit tin.

They say it's worth millions!

A perfect Bengal mahogany.

A spring ball cock, and a 30

voucher for lagging material.

Thanks!

Now, Mikey, unleash the luxury

chocolate assortment,

for it is time for Her Majesty.

'Christmas is a special time of year.

'A time for people of all ages

to celebrate together.

'Recently, I met an elderly woman and

her grandson at the Tower of London.

'I was struck by the great affection

'which spanned the many

years between them.

'So today, I urge the young people

of this country

'to be more like that boy.

'Talk to us old folk, and listen too.

'And remember - just because we're

old doesn't mean we're boring.

'You never know

when we might surprise you.'

'I mean, it's fine

and dandy being Queen,

'but, for all these years,

all I've really wanted to do...

'is dance. Hit it.'

("Skip To The Good Bit"

by Rizzle Kicks plays)

Let's skip to the good bit

Say, say, say, say, say

Skip skip skip skip

So, been here two days long

Still not stepped that stone

Still not moving on, on

Now, let us go

I will take control...

She's good.

I've always said.

Her Majesty should do Strictly.

I like your style

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