Gangsterdam

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1

In life, when you're staring

down the barrel of a gun...

you have two options.

Always the same two options.

You step up...

or you f*** up.

My name is Ruben Jablonski.

I'm 23 years old.

To put it objectively,

I'm not what you'd call cool.

We're all ears, Mr. Jablonski.

It's...

the Constitution...

that was...

established...

All I am right now...

is a law student

f***ing up his oral exam.

I panic.

I see myself panicking.

I panic about panicking.

I see myself flunking it.

So I flunk it!

Justice may be blind.

Unfortunately for you, not deaf.

Let's stop there, it's gruesome.

Same time, same place next year.

Perhaps you'll have something to say.

Perhaps.

Defense counsel's speech.

In other words,

the carrot that lures the ass forward.

It's what makes this worthwhile.

Becoming a counsel.

Counsel, from the Latin word...

Anybody?

Nobody.

That's right, yawn.

Repeating a year at college

is no cause for celebration.

But out of disaster

came something totally lit.

Excuse me, is this Hall H?

Yes, young man. Take a seat.

Young lady.

Remove your hat

to avoid confusion.

That day, Nora came into my life.

Excuse me...

Switch your phone to silent maybe?

You're jealous I'm not texting you?

- What's your name?

- Marc. Why?

Hey, Marc!

You ever got your ass kicked

by a chick in public?

- No.

- Never?

It's gotta be humiliating.

You're going?

- Yeah.

- Too bad.

Have a good day, Marc!

Better, right?

Yeah.

How's it going?

Supergood.

I'm repeating the year.

I know the classes,

like I'm a year ahead.

Sick.

You can help me out.

N0, yes!

Sure, my pleasure.

I'm Nora.

Ruben. Nice to meet you.

Let's get at it.

Wanna let go of my hand?

That's how Nora

became my Wednesday date.

She works hard,

she's sman', talented,

and nothing made me happier

than sitting next to her.

- Gotta go, sorry.

- Really?

We're not done with the Civil Code.

See you.

One whole year,

Nora and I had our study date.

I got my CitiCar card,

so I can give you a ride.

Like our own little subway.

Sorry, can't. See you, dude.

I never managed

to take it up a level.

She put a barrier between us.

The Friend Zone barrier.

I was thinking,

the weather's picking up,

so how about we go to Chinagora?

What's Chinagora?

Chinagora's a huge mall in Paris.

Think Dubai,

but shaped like a pagoda.

Guys escape from Alcatraz,

but the Friend Zone? No Way!

Chinagora?!

What's awesome

about the new Avengers

is Wasp Man's cameo at the end.

So say the blogs.

Poppin'.

Tell me all about it.

See you tomorrow.

Besides our weekly study date,

I knew nothing about Nora's life.

But I knew

I 'd do anything for her.

I'm dying

to thrust inside you.

Let me enter you,

and I'd rediscover my self-esteem.

C'mon, Nora,

let me flood your vagina.

C'mon, Nora!

Dude, quit talking

like you're inside my head.

You wish I was.

Straight up,

I do not want you in my head.

- I'd boost your productivity.

- Productivity, my ass!

That's Durex, living proof

you can trust first impressions.

Racist, sexist, homophobic,

anti-Semitic, and my BFF.

It's nuts! You Jews,

always playing the victims.

Dude, you'd make God

choose another people.

How is that relevant?

What? How is it relevant?

I'll show you how relevant it is.

Nothing shocks you about those eyes?

Green eyes, my only asset.

So what?

Those are women's eyes. Got it?

You have women's eyes.

A chick like Nora,

she's looking for violence.

No sh*t. She wants a badass

to smash her, rough her up.

Dude, you of all people

judging on appearance!

You're ginger!

You're f***ing ginger all over!

- Hands off!

- On the hunkitude scale, zero.

Although gingers represent

less than 1% of humanity,

we're all geniuses!

Van Gogh,

Horatio from CSI...

Precisely.

Sorry to interrupt.

The police

are running checks on campus.

I must ask you

to leave the hall

and go one by one

to the checkpoint at the gates.

Keep calm, everybody, please!

Thank you.

Nora!

- You forgot your jacket.

- It's not mine.

- It's your favorite jacket.

- It's not mine!

Don't you ever listen?

Do what the hell you want with it.

Just back off, ok?

Qpefi up your bag, sir.

Go through.

Clear. Keep going, guys.

- We don't get a search?

- Go through.

Cut it out, Durex.

Because it's 5pm, right?

After hours for you, huh?

10am tomorrow, my place,

to cram for your oral.

Works. See you then.

10 sharp, right?

Or you'll end up in the police.

Ruben!

Sorry about earlier...

- No, if it's not yours...

- It is mine!

Get in, I'll explain.

Get in, I said!

Give him the jacket, please.

Sure.

Here.

Thanks.

What the...

That's not mine!

Delighted to meet you, Ruben.

My name's Mishka.

He's my buddy Oussmane.

Nora, say thank you.

You owe him that, at least.

I was the cops' target.

Looks like you got the gear out.

That's cool. Thanks.

Straight up, I smuggled drugs?

Holy crap!

Not drugs, weed.

It was cool with the popo?

They weren't too nosey?

- The popo?

- The cops, Ruben.

I see.

No, it was fine.

I mean,

they totally put the heat on.

You ever get frisked on the street?

For no reason?

No.

'Course not.

Say, Ruben...

Do you think of yourself

as a smart guy?

Depends.

Depends on what?

On who I'm talking to.

Oussmane, pull over.

I think I just flat out fell in love.

Imma give you a present.

That's nice.

A trip tomorrow morning

to Amsterdam with Nora.

Mishka, please.

Hold up.

He's a sap.

I can handle it solo.

That's not true anymore, sorry.

Ruben reassures me.

He's touching, he's nice,

he has big green eyes.

He's smart.

One quick question if I may...

What's the trip for?

Same thing as today.

Instead of bringing me a jacket,

you bring me a package.

Alright, I get it.

First, let me say thank you

for the job offer.

It's just that Monday

I have my Master's oral exam.

If it was my first shot at it,

I'd say, sure, screw it!

But I'm repeating the year.

This weekend I'm studying

and studying some more.

With my dad and best buddy.

I don't need an answer now.

The offer's on the table.

It's your call.

Alright.

Thanks very much.

I'll think it over.

Ruben!

Bro!

Quit calling me bro. It sucks.

- You're my bro, right?

- You're not at school?

- My teacher died.

- What?

How come?

'Cause I boffed her.

LMFAO.

Stop!

Listen up...

I need you to score me some papers.

Forget it, you're 12 years old.

- I'm 12 years old?

- Yeah, you're 12.

No blunts at your age. Bye.

Asswipe. Watch that mouth.

I say when it's bye. Beat it!

- Yeah, right.

- You bust my balls!

Watch the balla in action.

Look and learn!

Stop!

Be a lady, b*tch!

Hey, dad!

There we go!

Let's recap what you need

to make your homemade flashlight,

aka the Sergio!

A 1.5 volt battery.

Aluminum foil.

A small sheet, 30cm no more.

Or duct tape.

Last but not least, the bulb!

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