Garden State Page #2

Someone got

a joint for me?

Here you go.

Oh. No, thanks, man.

Really? I thought you were

a big movie star and sh*t.

- Nah.

- Well, then here.

Eat this.

Welcome home.

I guess I'll see you guys later.

Should we

play a game?

Let's play

"spin the bottle."

I'm not playing "spin the bottle."

How old are we?

- Or more importantly, how old are they?

- Oh, they're all legal.

I think.

Well, wejust ate

all this f***ing "X,"

so what the hell else

are we supposed to do?

Girl has a point.

- F***ing right.

- I'm in!

- Hey!

- Large!

Large!

- Largeman, this is Dana.

- Hi.

Hi.

Who's up?

Whoo!

This is gonna be a good night.

It's good, isn't it?

I always try to save a couple

of the marshmallows till the very end...

but I never make it.

I always end up with...

a bunch of flake things

and pink milk.

My mind wanders.

So, Tim...

How long have you been

working at Medieval Times?

Three years. B-But I've

only been a knight for two.

You have to

pay your dues.

I worked in the stables

and helped in the kitchen.

When I started,

he was making the coleslaw.

It hasn't been the same

since you got knighted.

But I really

just stirred it.

Don't be modest.

Mr. Modesty won

the joust last night.

- Congratulations.

- It's not that big a deal. It's fixed.

What was it that happened

to you in high school?

You had a thing.

I forgot what it was.

- He got the sh*t kicked out of him.

- No, he didn't.

How do you know? He got the sh*t

kicked out of him by Tyrell Freedmen.

- I f***ed him up too.

- He knocked your teeth out.

He only chipped one tooth.

So, uh, w-what are you

up to now, Mark?

You're digging graves?

Mark's getting into

real estate.

- Tim can speak Klingon.

- What?

- No, I can't.

- Yes, you can.

- What the f*** is Klingon?

- Like the Star Trek guys?

- Yeah, he can speak their language.

- No, she's kidding.

No, I'm not.

Why are you being shy?

- Yeah, don't be shy, Tim.

- It's just... It's made-up.

This guy who plays the wizard

at work is a Trekkie. I don't...

- Don't be shy. Tell them

what you said to me last night.

- No.

Say what you said

to her last night.

You gotta be kidding me.

It means, "I like to

mate after battle."

- That's not what I said.

- Yeah.

No. No. That wasn't

the one I said.

This one means,

"Kill Kirk"...

and also "Hallelujah,"

depending on the context.

You must have got it

confused with, uh...

- Honey, that is good.

- You know what that means, Tim?

Well, I do. It means,

"Get the f*** out of my house...

before I chop

your f***ing head off."

Mark, he's a knight.

He's just a fast-food knight.

I should get going.

Thanks, uh,

for the cereal.

I had a lovely evening.

By the way, it says

"balls" on your face.

- A**hole.

- My mom did it.

In the spring...

the hungry gator must find

new and clever ways to find food.

Did you tell Large

about... the tapes?

No, Mom. I'm not doing

those stupid tapes.

- What are the tapes?

- Real estate tapes.

You can make up to

$100,000 your first year.

You should have seen the boat

this Oriental guy had.

He even had his own game show in China,

he had so much money.

I think Mark would be

perfect at it.

Ma, shut up about those f***in' tapes.

Okay? It's a scam.

Well, I'm doing it.

I'm saving up for those tapes.

Because I know what you could be

if you just apply yourself.

Because I know what you could be

if you just apply yourself.

You know what?

I do apply myself every day, Mom.

I work my ass off

burying dead people. Okay?

I'm only 26. I'm not in any rush.

What's your rush for?

Just let me be.

I don't rush you.

Okay. Then I'll

do 'em myself.

Fine. Do 'em.

Okay, then I won't

let you on my yacht.

Except Large. Large, you can

come anytime you want.

Just don't bring

your friend here.

Sh*t! I got to go

to my meeting.

Okay.

I love you.

- I love you too.

- I love you.

- Large, it was nice to see you.

- Nice to see you too.

Oh. Oh, you guys,

don't stay in here all day...

'cause I took the batteries out of

the carbon monoxide detector.

It was beeping all night.

She drives me crazy!

She gets all baked out and makes me

feel like I have to impress her.

And you know what?

I'm okay with being unimpressive.

I sleep better.

- Hey, what time is it?

- No idea.

I gotta go.

Hi, I'm Andrew Largeman.

I'm sorry.

- I'm really late for my appointment.

- Andrew. Andrew.

Okay, Andrew. I'm gonna need you

to fill out this paperwork for me.

As soon as we're ready,

we'll call you in.

- Okay. Thank you. I'm sorry.

- It's okay. Have a seat.

- Hello, Miss Lubin.

- Oh, hello there.

Just have a seat.

We'll be with you soon, okay?

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

How's it going?

Get off.

Get off.

Heel.

Heel!

Got any suggestions?

Oh, what?

- You got any suggestions?

- Yeah, kick his balls.

Kick his balls.

Yeah, but I don't wanna destroy

future generations of charitable dogs.

Don't worry about it.

I got three Dobermans.

If I didn't kick them in the balls regularly,

I'd never get anything done.

But he's gotta be close

to finishing by now.

Not yet.

Here comes the lipstick.

Mrs. Lubin?

We're ready for you now.

Okay. Come on, Arthur.

I feel so used.

Thanks for your help.

For, at least, your good intentions.

- I recognize you.

- Oh, did you go to Columbia High?

No, not from high school.

From TV.

- Didn't you play the retarded quarterback?

- Yeah.

Are you

really retarded?

No, I'm not.

Cool.

Great job, man. I mean,

I thought you were really retarded.

You're just as good as that Corky kid,

and he's actually retarded.

If there was some

sort of retarded Oscar...

you would win like

hands down, kick his ass.

Well, thank you.

Thanks, I appreciate it.

I have to fill out

this form though, so...

- Right on.

- Thanks.

My cousin's an actor.

Jake Ryan Winters.

Doubt you've ever

heard of him.

He was, like, on Xena once as a gnome

or something. That's really cool though.

Thanks.

Oh, my God.

That scene.

That last scene...

where you give the speech

to the whole stadium...

and your dad... oh, your dad

gives you the thumbs up.

Aw. That was, like...

That was emotional.

So, you got

anything else coming out?

No. You know,

I'm auditioning...

I can't believe

you're not really retarded.

I mean, Jake's not

a very good actor.

You can't really tell on Xena

'cause he's in the hairy gnome suit...

but when we were little, he used to

put on these really, really low-budge...

renditions of Andrew Lloyd Webber

musicals in our attic.

And they were awful!

Like, so bad.

It sucks, though, because there's not

that much work for little people, you know?

Anyway, I'm talking too much.

I'll just...

You got to fill out your forms.

What are you

listening to?

The Shins.

- You know them?

- No.

You gotta hear this one song.

It'll change your life. I swear.

Oh, I'm sorry. You have to...

You gotta fill out your forms.

Conundrum.

Think you could, uh...

- maybe listen while you fill out your forms?

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