Gay Page #2

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- Well, I'm shaving my bush.

I'm shaving it all off.

No more hair for me.

That's disgusting, Snoes.

- What do you mean?

I'm not too keen on mussels.

Are you coming to April tonight?

April?

- 11 o'clock. And look sexy.

See you later.

Three tequila rose, please.

- Sure.

What are you doing now?

- Listen, Val...

I'm editing a wonderful programme

about starving Africa.

Great. You know, Mickey, I wish

I was as thin as the people there.

Come on, Val, please...

- Well, why not?

You'll get there.

- Hey, Max.

Hi, Valerie.

- What a coincidence.

I tried to reach you,

but it's impossible.

Well, the least important people

are always reachable, I say.

You're looking good.

- Thanks.

Are you here with Pascal?

- Yes. Listen, I'm off over there...

Remember me when

you do your next production.

Of course, darling.

- OK.

What did that b*tch want?

- They all want their faces on TV.

Turn your phone off tonight, darling.

- You are being strict.

I think this will be a wonderful

evening. How about you, Snoes?

Yes, but I've got an itchy twat

and I can't scratch it here, can I?

Serves you right for shaving

that flesh wound of yours.

Hey, I know that you think

women are dirty down there.

I've met a man.

Ken.

- Who would call himself Ken?

Ken... Sounds nice.

- True. Has he got a big cock?

Is he bisexual?

- He teaches at my school.

And he's not bisexual.

Strange really.

When is he coming for

a meat inspection?

Have you f***ed him?

- What kind of a question is that?

It's a perfectly normal question.

- Well, have you f***ed him or not?

And he can't get enough of it.

Only he keeps wanting to

re-enact sex scenes from films.

Lassie, no doubt.

- That's disgusting.

I'd hang on to Ken, if I were you.

Otherwise, send him over.

We could Nine-and-a-Half-Weeks him.

- Let's hope it works out...

because Snoes and men: -

- Hopeless.

Hey, who's the sexiest man on earth?

- Jude Law, lovely.

Yes, he is gorgeous. What about you?

- Let me think.

John Malkovich.

- Who?

Max, he's really ugly.

- Yes, but then I like ugly men.

I see, thanks. Snoes, do you think

I should have my eyes lifted?

What? Don't be silly. Max, why do

you have such a strange boyfriend?

Sorry, but I need some more booze.

God, what a show stopper.

- He's got a pretty face for head.

He's called Roderick. He gave me his

number, but I had to turn him down.

All the boys just love you, Pascal.

- It's such a hard life.

Tarzan, I'd better leave

you alone for a minute.

I need to shake a big friend's hand.

- With an emphasis on 'big'.

I heard a funny one the other day:

To cry from your wig.

I've got a really good sex tip.

- Tell me.

Get someone to suck you off

with cola in their mouth.

The fizz feels fantastic, apparently.

- Really?

Yes, really.

- Girls, this is Guy from the toilet.

He's from L. A. And here

to photograph the gay scene.

I thought I'd bring him over.

- I should go to the toilet more often.

What do they say about photographers?

- Long lenses. They have long lenses.

Hello there, little one.

Come to Daddy. Come to Daddy.

I bet you were thinking about Guy.

Don't be silly. I was

thinking about you.

Though Guy is rather nice, too.

- There, you see. I knew you liked him.

You have a jealous boyfriend,

but you already know that.

How could I have missed it?

And by the way, if anyone is going

to cheat on anyone, then it's my turn.

OK? So, you'd better

be ready for it.

I'll tell you what, let me

help you.

Max, that's disgusting.

If you really love each other,

then it shouldn't be a problem.

Hey...

dirty old man.

Darling?

- Yes.

Will you really come to Hollywood

and leave everything behind?

You know I will.

- Really?

I'm getting up.

I'm just going to cry from my wig.

It's Stephanie.

I'm sorry to call you...

Calm down, darling.

What's the matter?

I can't take it any more.

That guy is driving me crazy.

What guy?

- Well, Nol.

Come on, it can't be all that bad.

He's raided my fridge, he's

thrown up in my laundry basket...

I see. It's like that, is it?

And he tried to fondle me.

Steph, have you called

Tanja or Tessa yet?

Yes, but no one wants to

come and pick him up.

OK. I'll come and get him.

He can stay here for a night.

I'm really sorry. I'm sorry.

This will have consequences

for the renewal of your contract.

It's OK, darling. Just kidding.

See you soon.

There we are, Darling, look at this.

I know, piss-proud peeing

isn't easy, little Cher.

Cher, come here.

Here's your medicine. Yes, you

have to take it, or else you'll die.

Would you like an aspirin, darling?

- No, don't worry.

Those damn menstrual TV bimbos

are going to give me migraine.

What are you going to do today?

- That's a surprise for tonight.

I'm off to the office. I'll get some

extra champagne, too. And sushi.

Oh, and don't forget to pick up

that dog milk stuff from the vet.

OK.

Here, uno espresso, maestro.

Would you like a fried egg?

- No, I'll get something on the way.

Have we forgotten to invite anyone?

- No, I don't think so.

Oh yes, Jamai cancelled.

I picked up some

travel brochures for L.A.

Good morning, guys.

- Morning, Ger.

Hello, Gerda. You're late.

- Yes...

my cat has had the shits all week,

so I took him to the vet.

I took forever, you know how it is.

- Gerda, I'm about to have breakfast.

Right, I'm going to get dressed

and then I'll be off.

Bye, Max.

- Bye, Gerda.

I am a bit nervous, you know.

- I don't think it hurts too much.

You don't?

- No, it shouldn't be too bad.

If you say so.

Hello.

- Hi.

I have an appointment.

Put that down.

Pascal, you're not really

going to get a tattoo, are you?

Yes, it's the ultimate gift of love.

Max will know I want him forever.

But it's so in-your-face.

It's nice, but in-your-face.

We are in-your-face.

So, how's Ken?

When you're doing it with Max, then

you both know what you like, right?

Well, I never have that. And I wish

he'd finally really fall in love.

I read something the other day:

Sex without love...

is like ingesting caviar

through a gastric tube.

Now let me have a moan about Max.

Every time I tell him I love him,

he says 'ditto'. It's infuriating.

You don't have to go through with it.

- Snoes, I want to, OK?

Isn't it beautiful?

- What if your relationship ends?

Christ, Snoes, it's not going to.

One should take care not to

let the sauce thicken too much.

Add a little oleander,

and, ladies and gentlemen...

make sure that

the pasta is al dente.

You can read this recipe on our

website. Thanks for watching. Clao.

Are you cooking for me again?

- Nothing's too much for my prince.

You'd better believe it.

I've organized something

really nice for you today.

Really? What?

- I'll tell you over dinner.

Tell me now.

- Later, when I've finished with this.

OK, I'll go and powder my nose.

Pas, I need to

introduce you to someone.

Hi.

There's a disgustingly filthy

man in our bath.

I see you've met our guest.

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