Gayby Page #2

for you at the front desk.

Fine.

How do I always

get stuck doing this?.

Because I took on more classes

and more responsibility

and made her stop treating

me like an assistant.

Why are all

of his pictures shirtless?.

He gets hot easily.

I can't believe you

didn't tell me about Randall.

How is you knowing

who Tom's dating

gonna make

anybody's day better?.

Especially mine.

- What's he like?.

- Who cares?.

Why don't we keep

the focus on you.

When are you gonna

try dating again?.

Well, I joined one of those

websites and I had a date.

What kind of a date?.

Which website?.

I am familiar

with many websites.

I think it was

called Buddy Search.

Dude Hunt.

Yeah, that's it.

These sconces are so

whimsical and unique.

How much for the pair?.

Those actually

don't have a price.

If you're interested

you can leave a bid,

and we'll get back to you.

Unique whimsy

is very in...

right now.

What's with this beard?.

I'm becoming a bear.

I've decided to explore my

butch and masculine sides.

Aren't those...

kind of the same thing?.

I have no idea.

So, you're a bear?.

I'm here, I'm bear.

Get used to it.

Woof... Paw.

You should try something new.

Well, how's this for new?.

Jenn asked me to

have a baby with her.

That is so Brooklyn.

I'm actually getting

a little tired of lesbians

asking me to

father their children.

But the genes are good, girl.

Jenn's not a lesbian.

Really?.

- Yeah, she's not.

- Really?.

Yes, she's not a lesbian.

Did you say yes?.

Yes...

We're gonna do it tomorrow.

Wow.

Do you wanna borrow some

porn for the doctor's office?.

I downloaded all this

amazing 70s stuff.

It's all mustaches

and no condoms.

We're not gonna go to a doctor.

We're gonna have sex.

Now that is whimsical.

Have you had her tested?.

She's fine.

It's been discussed.

She hasn't had sex in a while.

Well, it's nice to see you're

re-opening a closed location

in these troubled times.

Should I take my bra off?.

Oh, God, no,..

Unless it's

uncomfortable for you.

I don't have to do

anything with them, do l?.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no...

It's fine.

Good.

Covers...

I shaved my legs...

but then I realized

I probably didn't have to.

Did you...

wait a little bit

since the last time you...

got off?.

People say that

when you wait a couple days...

there's more...

Oh, that's not really

a problem for me.

Oh.

I mean, some guys

actually say it's too much.

I think that the amount

will be perfect for this.

Okay.

I'm gonna take

my underwear off.

Oh, yeah, me too.

- So, I was thinking...

- Uh-huh.

Um, that I could get started...

you know, outside...

over here...

and get it ready...

and when it's just

about to happen,

I could roll over and...

pop it in?.

Yeah, that sounds like a plan.

I wanted to mention though,

I read somewhere that...

if you enjoy it too,

then there's more

of a likelihood

that you'll conceive.

So, if you wanted to

do that on your side...

while I'm doing it on my side

I can probably do that later.

In the bathroom,

by myself.

I'm better by myself.

Okay.

Okay.

How's it going?.

It's beginning to respond.

Can I peak?. I'm wanna peak.

I'm peaking.

Oh...

I forgot how big you are.

Come on, Jenn.

You are so big.

Jenn, you don't have to do that.

I'm not a straight guy.

You don't have to stroke my ego.

I mean it's kind of true...

but I've seen bigger.

Tom's was huge.

Is that who you're

thinking about right now?.

It actually might be a little

bit easier if you didn't talk.

I'm sorry.

[panting]

- Okay.

- Okay?.

- It's happening.

- Okay.

- I'm gonna come in.

- Okay.

- I'm coming in.

- Don't impale me.

- It's gonna happen fast.

- Let me guide it.

- All right, here we are.

- Yep.

Ahhh...

- Okay.

- Yeah.

How many times do you

think we should do it?.

Five?.

?

Lifting up the right leg.

Hips squared.

[moaning]

[moaning]

Oh, my, you've gone full-on

daddy but without the whole

"old guy who used

to be hot" thing.

- Hey, bear.

- Woof.

So how was proving to yourself

that you could still

do it with a woman?.

It was surprisingly easy.

We did it a couple days

in a row.

It seemed so early

for a mid-life crisis,

and yet here we are.

You'll be happy to know

that I'm off duty right now.

Until next month.

Then let's find you a man.

You need to cleanse your

palate after all that puss.

- Excuse me.

- Hi.

Can you help us out?.

Sure, what's up?.

I'm looking for some comics

for my son Parker here.

Parker...

Like Peter Parker?.

Do you like Spider-Man?.

No.

Okay... What kind

of books do you like?.

I like the Fantastic Four.

Remember that cartoon?.

What does the Thing say?.

It's clobbering time.

That's so cute.

Do you have a kids' section?.

But no Spider-Man - we are

boycotting Spider-Man, right?.

Yeah, it's over near there

near the action figures.

- Thanks.

- Sure.

Say...

Wow, young daddy's kind of hot.

Straight guys are not hot.

We're gay.

We like gay guys.

We have self-esteem today.

Oh, so that's why you lower

your voice like three octaves

every time you

meet someone cute?.

What can I say -

I'm naturally deep-voiced.

I have to fight

to be this way with you.

Well, you'd never know.

Can we go get lunch now?.

I want to eat myself fat.

Jenn, Linda wants you to pick

up her laptop at Tech-Place.

They saved her drive.

Okay, I'm on it.

She said, no rush.

Just before five would be great.

Valerie, I was working

on some new class ideas,

and I thought that we

should offer prenatal.

But pregnant women aren't

supposed to do hot yoga.

But people have babies

in the desert all the time.

But those people live in the

desert all the time,

so they're used to it.

Well, I have a few clients

who would really be into it.

Really?. I don't know.

Just don't forget the laptop.

Already did.

Hey, I'm out.

You're pouting.

What's wrong?.

Valerie thinks that pregnant

women can't handle hot yoga.

Maybe she's right.

Are you gonna keep

teaching once you are?.

I do hot yoga all the time.

I'll be fine.

You will.

But we don't want

your baby coming out

all twisty and toasty

like a pretzel.

Oh, my God!

You should name him Pretzel!

- What if it's a girl?.

- Pretzelle.

No, no...

Lady Windermere.

- I have to go.

- Bye.

How long is it supposed to take?.

I think it said to wait

two to five minutes.

But I don't want to just

stand here and stare at it.

Oh, my God...

We're gonna know really soon.

I know.

Hey, you wanna go outside

on the roof and smoke?.

I bought a pack of cigarettes

when I bought the test.

We shouldn't smoke.

I mean, I can.

But you shouldn't 'cause

you might be pregnant.

But our parents all smoke.

Yeah, I blame all of

my lack of focus on that.

Well, you can smoke

for the both of us.

No. I'm just gonna hold it...

In solidarity.

I'm just

freaking out a little bit.

What were we thinking?.

We can't have a baby.

We can't afford

to have a baby.

Even if I sold all of my comics,

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes