Gayby Page #3

we couldn't afford

to have a baby.

I'll have some money.

What money?.

My grandmother left me

some money in a trust,

for when I have

my first child.

If, and when.

Did you do this for money?.

No!

No, I didn't do this for--

I didn't not think about it.

How much money?.

It's enough money.

But it's for the child,

and you know my sister's

going to make sure of that.

But I didn't do it

for the money.

I did it because we are going

to have the fiercest gayby ever.

Do people still say fierce?.

I think that actually

both parents have to be gay,

in order for the

baby to be a gayby.

Please, I've been

a hag since birth.

Okay, we should check,

shouldn't we?.

No. Not just yet.

You know, it doesn't matter...

because if it's a yes,

then great;

and if it's no,

then we'll just do it again.

- Really?.

- Yeah.

We're gonna have our baby.

Maybe this place isn't

conducive to creating life.

We could try

my place next time.

Yeah, still, it's so dreary.

You really want this too,

don't you?.

I do.

I've always

wanted to have a kid.

You know that.

How else am I gonna do it?.

I started a new graphic novel.

Oh.

It's about a baby,

or a gayby,

who's a baby by day,

and a superhero by night.

You should show it

to one of those

comic book bigwigs

who shops at your store.

Yeah, I would...

but I took the day off

when most of them come in,

so I wouldn't run into Tom.

You need someone new.

You should sign up

for online dating.

I've tried online dating.

No, I mean the kind where

you actually go out on dates.

- Oh, yeah.

- Yeah.

Let's both do it.

I'll sign up again.

Okay.

Do you have any pictures

with your shirt on?.

Yeah, I think

there are like two.

Well, you don't want

to come off as too slutty.

And don't say you

like hiking and camping.

When was the last

time you went camping?.

I like to camp.

Yeah, camp...

Iike you appreciate

Valley of the Dolls

and Showgirls,

but not like

in the freakin' woods.

Well, can we keep hiking?.

Walking around in Central Park

late at night is totally hiking.

Sure.

I've never done that

in my life, Nelson.

What are we gonna

make your ad title?.

What did you use?.

Nelly Bear, 'cause my

name's Nelson and I'm a bear.

Everyone's gonna think

Nelly means feminine.

Look, I'm trying to reconcile

my butch, bearded ferocity

with my beautiful inner woman

in a tongue-in-cheek way.

If people on this stupid site

don't get it, it is their loss.

Okay, okay.

Well, then...

call me Matt-a-tat-tat,

'cause I'm about to explode

onto the dating scene.

That works, right?.

I don't think

that makes any sense.

I love it.

I think it's nice,

it seems energetic.

I'm on that site too.

Actually, my name is

Naomi Malone...

on the site.

Showgirls.

You know, do you think

it's because like it's...

"No me I'm alone"?.

Like her existential angst

is so intense

that there's no "me"

and she's alone.

- That's beautiful.

- lsn't that so intense?.

Like I thought about it

when I saw it the first time.

I just like the dancing.

Okay.

The energy in my apartment

is just all wrong.

You're right.

Your energy is

really murky, yellow.

I meant in my apartment.

It follows you.

Well, what should I do?.

Oh, we can go shopping and

buy some candles, oils, sage.

Sage helps you shift.

Yeah, let's do all that.

But I really need to paint.

Oh, you should hire my brother.

He paints apartments.

He's really good.

Jamie knows him.

He takes my 5;.30.

He's amazing.

We went on that men's

healing retreat together.

I could set it up for you.

Make sure he

gives you a good deal.

Thanks, Linda,

that's really great.

No problem, sweetie.

You guys should stick

around for Beth's class.

She's got a really low count.

It'd be nice to have

some extra bodies.

I didn't know

she had a brother.

He's actually

a pretty serious artist.

She never mentions that;

and he never mentions her.

Weird. Is he nice?.

Not really.

But he's not mean either.

He's like...

opinionated and definite,

in this very Pollock-y way.

Is he gonna splash paint

all over my walls?.

No, Jennifer.

He knows what he's doing.

Just don't suggest

colors to him.

He feels the space,

and then decides.

Okay--

Just meet him.

He's insanely hot.

And moderately flexible.

Is it weird that I don't know

what some of these initials

stand for anymore?.

Well, I think the Q

is questioning.

Oh, well what's the A?.

Is it answering?.

Are they

answering the questions?.

I think it might be asexual?.

Or like associates?.

I think it

basically encompasses

all of New York City

at this point.

Well, what makes this center

special anymore then?.

Well, they have gay bingo.

I don't know.

I don't want to do

any of these activities.

But look -

they have your favorite;.

Gay camping!

I don't want to do that.

Oh... Gay Republicans.

Wow! That is so cool!

Nelson, you shouldn't do that.

Why?. Are you about

to tell me there's room

for all shades of gay

under the rainbow?.

'Cause there's not.

I was just gonna say there

are some really hot Republicans.

I like having sex

with people I hate

as much as

the next person,

but I had to give

that up in my 20s.

[cell phone beeps]

Oh, ooh...

I just got my tenth response.

Do any of them

want to go hiking?.

How many did you get?.

What is this, a competition?.

Since yesterday, total?.

Sixteen.

I am so glad I went bear.

And this is the bedroom.

So?.

This place is depressing.

Yeah.

Can we change that?.

I'd kill myself

if I lived here.

- Green.

- What?.

I can help.

Great.

Uh, should we...

talk about pay?.

No, you can't afford me.

But I'll give you

the lowest price,

since my sister said

you're Jamie's friend.

Let's not talk about money.

It's not cool.

Right.

Should we...

talk about a schedule?.

I like to keep things loose.

I'll come when I feel it.

Yeah.

Well, maybe you should just

take an extra set of keys.

Yeah, just put them

in my pocket.

I'm just...

I'm gonna go to the supermarket.

Uh, do you...

do you want anything?.

You know,

just lock up when you go.

Dark yellow.

Oh, you want to

paint the door yellow?.

Your aura.

You think too much.

Oh, I know.

So I was like...

[giggling]

Hold up. It's not my fault

that you waited until

you were 40 to have kids

and wound up with a litter.

And she had the nerve

to call me a b*tch,

which I found offensive

because obviously

she was feminizing me,

and I do not stand for

hate language of any kind.

You're so strong,

silent and sexy.

Let's make out.

Hmm! Uh...

Could we keep it

above the waist?.

Come on.

I made a promise to myself.

Yeah, I didn't promise a thing.

[doorbell chimes]

Let me just see who that is.

You keep your clothes on.

Jenn! Hi. What's up?.

Is this a bad time?.

No, no.

I'm on a date, but I could

kind of use a time-out.

Hi.

Hi.

Jenn, this is...

It's Adrian.

And this is

my friend Jenn, who...

she brought a suitcase.

Why did you bring

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