Gentlemen of Fortune

Starring:

YEVGENY LEONOV:

GEORGY VITSIN:

SAVELY KRAMAROV:

RADNER MURATOV:

ERAST GARIN:

NATALYA FATEYEVA

P. SHPRINGFELD, O. SOKOLOVA

A.PAPANOV, O.VIDOV, N.OLYALIN

GENTLEMEN OF FORTUNE

AN UNLYRICAL COMEDY

Archeological Expedition No 12.

- I'll bet there're snakes around.

- What snakes?

Cobras!

- Make the camel lie down.

- Down! Lie down, man!

Come on, Vassia, Vassia, Vassia...

Docent! Hey, Docent!

- He won't lie down!

- I'll clobber you!

Hear that? We'll clobber you!

Lie down, beast, I tell you!

- Where is it?

- Over there, in that yellow tent.

We move as soon as it's dark.

USSR Ministry of Internal Affairs

How much does the helmet weigh?

Five kilograms, 242 grams,

and it's pure gold.

Yes...

A pretty heavy hat.

Comrade Colonel,

it's more than a hat...

It's a rarity, it's archeologically

and historically unique.

Everything bears out our theory

that this is the helmet

which the Emperor Alexander

the Great of Macedonia lost

when he set out to subdue India.

Ask Slavin to come in. You should

guard your precious treasures.

- We had someone to guard it.

- No doubt...

For a thief it's not an archeological

treasure, but just a piece of gold.

He can take it apart, melt it down,

he might even sell it abroad.

Well...

The culprits' identities have been

established, they're all old offenders.

Yermakov...

Sheremetyev...

Biely, their chief.

- May I?

- Please.

He's a very dangerous criminal.

What a repulsive-looking individual!

Mother! I'm going to be late.

Coming, son.

Here you are. Eat, darling.

Thanks.

- Good morning.

- How are you?

How's my son doing? Is he behaving?

You'd better be strict with him.

- Good morning.

- Good morning.

Commuter's pass.

I have my ticket.

Kindergarten No. 82

- Hello, Yelena Nikolayevna.

- Good morning. They're not eating.

- Good morning.

- Good morning!

May I have your attention, comrades,

for just a minute!

Today, you're not going to eat

your breakfast here.

Instead we're going on a trip to Mars.

I appoint Igoryok commander.

- Igoryok, today you're a commander.

- Yes, sir!

Now take your cosmic spoons

and interplanetary forks,

and finish everything on your plates.

We won't be back on earth till lunch.

You're a genius!

- Yevgeny, can we see you for a minute?

- Sorry, I'm busy now.

But this man here insists.

Ah! I've caught you at last.

- To Docent!

- Yep.

It's something better

than picking pockets.

I'll get myself a car with a player,

fancy threads, and off to Yalta!

Get ready!

We'll nab all three!

- Well, what?

- Have you flogged the helmet?

- I just went fishing.

- Where? Why fishing?

Near the landing dock...

In an ice hole.

- Cross-eyes, can you swim?

- Me? Swim?

Now, in winter?

Our deal didn't include swimming.

- They've got us staked out.

- What do you mean?

I feel it...

I got radar antennas.

Time for us to split up.

- Good afternoon!

- That's it. End of the line!

This is where we get off, boys!

Who's afraid of the big bad wolf,

big bad wolf, big bad wolf?

Where're you running, stupid wolf,

old wolf, big bad wolf?

Who's afraid of the big bad wolf,

big bad wolf, big bad wolf?

Where're you running, stupid wolf,

old wolf, big bad wolf?

Very good!

A big hand, comrades!

Now comes the cruel, nasty wolf.

I'll huff and I'll puff,

and I'll blow your house down!

Well, that wasn't bad at all.

Thank you very much.

Only, you know, Igoryok,

you should be more scary.

I'll huff and I'll puff,

and I'll blow your house down!

Yevgeny Ivanovich, it's that man

again, the weird one.

Good afternoon, Comrade Troshkin.

Sit down.

- We've captured the thieves.

- Congratulations.

Too early to congratulate. The helmet

is missing. I've searched everywhere.

They won't tell where it is.

But we have an idea...

- I was sent to speak to you.

- I'm listening.

- We propose to put a wig on you.

- Well...

Then we're going to tattoo you...

and throw you in prison.

What do you mean?

What for?

It's a great idea! Your own mother

won't tell which of you is which.

- I don't see what you mean.

- Oh, Lord above, bless me!

The trial has been held, two of them

got 4 years. It's nothing, a holiday.

The one who I took you for

was given eight years.

The other two are doing their time

in Central Asia.

- This one, near Moscow. Understand?

- No.

Oh, Lord above, bless me!

We'll put you in jail along with

the other two,

and they will take you for this one.

That way you'll be able to learn from

them where the helmet is.

- Are you willing now?

- No.

- Why not?

- It's madness. What'll I say at home?

Just say you have to attend

a seminar for kindergarten teachers.

No, I can't do it.

I have my work, the children.

I must buy a Christmas tree.

And besides...

it isn't ethical.

Ethical, unethical!

We're the only ones who're being

so scrupulous:
bail, rehabilitation.

We should do like the Turks did

in the olden times:

they put the thug

in a vat filled with sh*t,

and drove him through town.

Over him stood an executioner

with a saber in his hand,

and every five minutes he went

"swish" with his saber over the vat!

If the thief doesn't dive,

no more head.

So all day long he dived in the sh*t!

That was in Turkey.

It's warm there.

- To run away?

- Crash out, split, fade.

Very good.

- To talk gibberish?

- Slip your trolley.

- What's good?

- Akey-okey.

- What's a barroom?

- A grog mill.

- An easy burglary?

- A hop stop.

- An untrustworthy man?

- A wrong guy.

Pillar of the community?

I forgot...

Wait...

Mossback.

Yes, a mossback.

Wig, alright?

- May I try it?

- Go on.

Pull harder. It's a special glue.

He can even wash his head.

That's good.

- Good resemblance?

- Yes, but he's kind, the other's evil.

- Do you like it here?

- Cozy. Which is my bed?

Your sack.

- You've got to take the best spot.

- And where is that?

Yevgeny Ivanovich, don't you remember?

By the window, over there.

But someone's things are there.

Throw them on the floor.

When the owner comes back, you just

tell him to split, fade, get lost.

- Remember?

- Yes, I remember.

That's it. Soon they'll be returning

from work.

And don't forget, try to stress

that you've partly lost your memory.

If they start to beat you up,

knock on the door.

All right.

I mean, akey-okey.

Hey you!

Why'd you throw away my things?

You...

Listen, you...

You know...

What should I know?

Come on, be a good boy, will you?

Hey, it's Docent!

How you doing?

Welcome home!

- And you get lost!

- Right! Fade out!

He'd better get lost, or I'll clobber

him, whap him, gouge his blinkers out!

For the rest of your life you'll have

to work to pay for the bandages!

The knucklehead!

The fungus face!

Buzz off, boy,

or I'll bash your face in!

Why didn't you say so in the first

place?

Greetings, pen pals!

Well, I'll be a three-eyed owl!

- How you doing?

- Good old Raspy!

Hi, Docent!

Baby!

Listen, I've got a better spot for

your bunk, next to the slop-bucket!

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