George Carlin: Life Is Worth Losing

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Thank you!

Thank you! Thank you!

Go!

Thank you very much!

Thank you!

I'm a modern man! A man for the millennium!

Digital and smoke-free!

A diversified, multi-cultural

post-modern deconstructionist...

...politically, anatomically and

ecologically incorrect...

I've been uplinked and downloaded,

I've been inputted and outsourced...

I know the upside of downsizing,

I know the downside of upgrading...

I'm a high-tech low-life!

A cutting-edge, state of the art...

bi-coastal multi-tasker, and I can give you

a gigabyte in a nanosecond!

I'm new-wave, but I'm old-school;

and my inner child is outward-bound...

I'm a hot-wired, heat-seeking,

warm-hearted cool customer...

...and I'm voice-activated

and bio-degradable...

I interface with my database;

and my database is in cyberspace...

...so I'm interactive, I'm hyperactive

and from time to time I'm radioactive!

Behind the eight ball,

ahead of the curve, ridin'

the wave, dodgin' the bullet,

pushin' the envelope!

I'm on point, on task,

on message and off drugs!

I've got no need for coke and speed!

I've got no urge to binge and purge!

I'm in the moment, on the edge,

over the top, but under the radar...

A high-concept, low profile,

medium-range ballistic missionary...

A street-wise smart bomb,

a top-gun bottom-feeder...

I wear power ties, I tell power lies,

I take power naps, I run victory laps...

I'm a totally ongoing, big-foot, slam-dunk

rainmaker with a pro-active outreach...

A raging workaholic, a working rageaholic;

out of rehab and in denial!

I've got a personal trainer,

a personal shopper,

a personal assistant

and a personal agenda!

You can't shut me up!

You can't dumb me down!

'Cause I'm tireless, and I'm wireless,

I'm an alpha-male on beta-blockers.

I'm a non-believer, I'm an over-achiever;

Laid-back and fashion-forward.

Up-front, down-home,

low rent, high-maintenance!

Super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition,

fast-acting, oven-ready and built to last!

I'm a hands-on,

footloose, knee-jerk, head case;

prematurely

post-traumatic...

...and I have a love child

who sends me hate-mail!

But I'm feeling, I'm caring,

I'm healing, I'm sharing...

A supporting, bonding, nurturing

primary-care giver...

My output is down, but my income is up!

I take a short position on the long bond,

...and my revenue stream has

its own cash flow.

I read junk mail, I eat junk food,

I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports...

I'm gender-specific, capital-intensive,

user-friendly and lactose intolerant!

I like rough sex; I like tough love,

I use the f-word in my e-mail...

...and the software on my hard drive

is hard-core - No soft porn!

I bought a microwave at a mini-mall.

I bought a mini-van at a mega-store...

I eat fast-food in the

slow lane, I'm toll-free,

bite-size, ready-to-wear,

and I come in all sizes!

A fully equipped, factory-authorized,

hospital-tested,

clinically proven, scientifically

formulated medical miracle!

I've been pre-washed, pre-cooked,

pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved,

pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried,

double-wrapped, vacuum-packed, and...

I have an unlimited broadband capacity!

I'm a rude dude, but

I'm the real deal.

Lean and mean. Cocked,

locked and ready to rock!

Rough, tough, and hard to bluff.

I take it slow, I go with the flow...

I ride with the tide,

I've got glide in my stride...

Drivin' and movin', sailin' and spinnin',

jivin' and groovin, wailin' and winnin'...

I don't snooze, so I don't lose!

I keep the pedal to the metal

and the rubber on the road...

I party hearty!

And lunchtime is crunch time.

I'm hangin' in,

there ain't no doubt...

...and I'm hangin' tough.

Over and out!

Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you very much!

Way to go! Thank you!

Hey! I've got 341 days over and next year's

my 50th anniversary in show business...

...so let's do a f***ing show! Huh?

You know some people don't talk about' em

in public anymore? Pussyfarts!

So, anyway...

I said that on my last

HBO show and apparently

some people don't know

what a pussyfart is...!

...'cause I got some inquiries...

Here's the deal!

A pussyfart is like when you're making

love to a woman...

...who's got a little extra air

in her vagina...

...and every time you thrust forward

there's kind of a...

And the two of you,

just lyin' there, each

is wonderin' if the

other one farted...

And the man is usually thinking:

"Maybe she farts when she comes!"

"Maybe she took a sh*t!"

"Man, I gotta stay out of that

f***ing bar!"

Another word you don't hear too often

is "Dingleberries!"

You know? You never hear it

in "Meet the Press?"

The dingleberry solution,

the dingleberry-gate... Nothing!

I guess this is 'cause

"dingleberries" is one of them

words you don't say too much

past your tenth birthday!

It't not a grown-up's word!

It's a kid's word!

"Dingleberries!"

Always sounded kinda Christmasy to me!

Won't you say there's a holiday ring to it?

"Dingleberries!"

"John, you may want to hang some

dingleberries over the front door!"

"And when Mary Ann comes over she

can kiss you under the Dingleberries!"

It is to be devoutedly wished

that she would kiss me...

...under the Dingleberries!

"Cornhole" is another word you

don't hear enough!

You don't hear that

nearly enough, you know!

It's a good word! A solid word!

It's a tough word! It's

a man's kind of word!

It's got a masculine sound!

Like "shotgun", and "ashcan",

and "tow-truck"...!

"Cornhole!"

Everything's been sanitized

now, and cleaned up!

First with these f***ing Christians,

let's just start with them!

Let's not leave out these

PC campus liberal a**holes!

They're just as f***ing bad

from a different direction!

But's everything's different!

Everything's been

polished up! It's "anal

intercourse", "anal rape!"

Bullshit! Cornhole!

I'm a big fan of the prime

time crime shows...

...I like all of them pretty

much, you know, I like

"Law and Order", and all

the spin-offs of that...

I like "CSI", and all of those spin-offs,

'cause they're forensic shows, you know?

And I'm just waiting for

one night to be sitting

there watching one of

them shows, and...

...the chief medical examiner turns

to the lead detective and say "Steve..."

"Looks to me like that after they

killed this guy the perpretators rolled

him over and cornholed him about

thirty or forty f***ing times..."

"And there's a posthumous multiple cornhole

entry wound!"

In prison it's a social activity!

Yeah, it's right there

on the bulletin board!

"Checkers, handball,

cornholing!"

Now, just to change the subject

a little bit...

Do you realize...?

...that right this second,

right now...

...somewhere around the world...

...some guy is getting ready

to kill himself?

Ain't that great?

Do you ever stop and think

about that kind of sh*t?

I do! It's fun!

And it's interesting!

And it's true!

Right this second, some guy is getting

ready to bite the big bazooka!

Because statistics show that every year

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