George Carlin: Life Is Worth Losing Page #2

---

a million people commit suicide!

A million! That's 280 a day!

That's one every 30 seconds!

There goes another guy!

And I say "guy" because men are four times

more likely than women to commit suicide!

Even though women attempt it more!

So men are better at it!

That's something else you girls

are wanna be working on!

Well, if you wanna be truly

equal, you're gonna have

to start taking your own

lives in greater numbers!

But I just think it's interesting

to know...

..."interesting", that's a big word in this

show for me...

...interesting to know that at any moment,

the odds are good...

...that some guy is draggin' a chair across

the garage floor...

...trying to get it right underneath

that ceiling beam...

...don't want it to be

too far off center.

If it's worth doing,

it's worth doing right!

Somewhere else another

guy is going over and

getting a gun out of a

chest of drawers...

Somebody else is opening up a brand

new package of razorblades!

Maybe struggling with the cellophane

a little bit, you know?

"Oh sh*t! There's always something!

Goddam it!"

I just think that's interesting as hell!

That's probably the most interesting

thing you can do with your life!

End it!

I don't think I could that, though!

Could you? God!

I couldn't commit suicide

if my life depended on it!

But I understand it, you know?

I think I do...

I don't wonder about it! I don't

wonder:
"Why did he do that?"

"What was going through his

mind?" You know what I wonder?

Where do you find the f***ing time?

Who's got time to be committing suicide?

Aren't you busy? I've got sh*t to do!

Suicide would be way down

on my list...

...probably down past lighting

my own house on fire!

Am I wanna try a little

self-mutilation first?

You know? Take a couple of

hunks out of my arm...

See if I like the general idea...!

Cause you gotta have

priorities, man! You know?

And you gotta have a plan, too, for

something like that! Gotta plan that sh*t!

People don't just run out the

house and jump off a bridge!

There are things you

have to decide!

Timing is important!

When are you gonna do it?

"Welll, let me see it now...!"

"Wednesday's out. Gotta take

Timmy to the circus...!"

"Survivors's on on Thursday!"

"Friday, I've got my colon cleansing..."

"Folks are coming over on Sunday..."

"Sunday...!"

By God, that'll be just the thing!

Maybe Mum will find my body!

Serves her right for f***ing me up

the way she did!

Then you have to pick a method!

How are you gonna do it?

Well, let me see it now...!

I'm afraid of heights, that's no good!

Can't swallow pills,

Don't like the sight of blood...!

F***ing ovens are electric...!

I'd lay out in front of a

train, except damn track

ain't coming through here

in thirty goddam years!

Maybe I'll just take a gun

and shoot myself in the mouth!

Huh... Suppose I miss!

People'll be laughing at me!

Suppose I live...!

I'd have a big f***ing hole in my head!

I'd have to wear some kind

of dumbass hat!

Well, I guess I'll just hang myself!

That'll be good!

Gotta get a rope!

Oh, sh*t! There's always something...!

I've got a rope

in the garage...!

Ah! It's got a lot of

grease and paint on it!

Don't want to get that

stuff on my neck!

Wal-Mart is having a special

on rope this weekend!

No sense in spending a lot of money

to kill myself!

Then again, I can always

put it on my credit card,

and never have to pay

the f***ing thing!

Eh, that's it, then! I'm hanging myself

and Wal-Mart is paying for it!

What's next? A note...!

Oh, Jesus!

Gotta express myself!

Hell, if I gotta express myself I wanna

be thinking a note or something, I guess...

Where's the pen? Can never

find a pen!

Told the kids not to move the pen

away from that telephone! Goddam kids!

I'll just kill them, too!

Make it one of them family

package deals!

Ah, here's a pen! I oughta jam it

in my f***ing neck and get it over with!

Let's see now...!

Where do you put the date, upper left...?

I can never remember that...!

"To whom it may concern..."

Huh... sounds kinda impersonal...

"Dear Marcelle..."

Huh, leaves out the kids...

I know!

"Hey, guys! Guess what?"

"Keep on reading! How are you?

I hope you are fine!"

"I am not fine!"

"As you can no doubt tell from me

hanging here from the ceiling fixture!"

"You were the ones who

drove me to this!"

"I was doing just fine until

you f***ers came along!"

"I hope you're happy now

that I'm goddam dead!"

"Signed:
The corpse in this room!"

"P.S. F*** you, people!"

That would be a good note!

I don't think a writer could

ever commit suicide, do you?

A writer would be too busy working

on the note all goddam year!

Trying to get it just right!

First draft, second draft, third

revision, whole new ending...!

And finally turning it into a book proposal

and have a reason to live!

It won't work! I think

about stuff like that!

It's interesting to

me, like I said!

Certain things are interesting!

Suicide is interesting!

Life is filled with interesting things!

That's why I could never commit suicide!

I'm having too much fun!

Keeping an eye on you, folks!

Watching what you do! Human behaviour!

That's what I like!

Humans do some really

interesting things!

Like, besides killing ourselves,

we also kill each other!

Murder! And we're the only ones

who do that, by the way!

We are the only species on

earth that deliberately kills

members of their own species

for personal gain...

Or pleasure! Sometimes it's just fun...!

We're also the only species that deliberately

kill members of another species...!

...for personal gain, or pleasure!

That's what hunters do! They kill for pleasure!

That's us! Human beings!

Interesting folks! Murderous!

Here's an interesting form of

murder we came up with...!

Assassination! Do you what's interesting

about assassination!

Well, not only does it change those

popularity polls in a big f***ing hurry!

But it's also interesting to

know who it is we assassinate!

Do you ever notice, stop to

think who it is we kill...?

It's always people who

told us to live together

in harmony and try to

love one another...!

Jesus, Gandhi, Lincoln, John

Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy,

Martin Luther King, Martha Rivers,

Malcolm X, John Lennon...

They all said:
"Try to live

together peacefully!" BAM!

Right in the f***ing head!

Apparently we're not ready for that!

Yeah! That's difficult

behaviour for us!

We're too busy, thinking

around, sitting around

trying to think up ways

to kill each other!

Here's one we came up with!

It's efficient, too!

Genocide! You know?

Killing large numbers of people simply 'cause

they don't look like you, they don't talk like you

and they don't have the

same kind of hats you do!

Did you ever notice that anytime you

see two groups of people who really

hate each other, chances are good they're

wearing different kinds of hats!

Keep an eye on that!

It might be important!

Rate this script:4.1 / 17 votes