George Carlin: Life Is Worth Losing Page #3

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But anytime there's genocide

there are always mass graves!

Every time we kill some dictator

and go marching through his country...

...we always finds mass graves!

Thousands and thousands

of dead bodies of people

the dictator killed!

And everybody over here gets horrified!

"Oh, mass graves! Mass graves! Oh!"

Oh, sh*t! What's a guy

supposed to do with a

couple of thousand

people he just killed?

Dig separate holes?

F*** that sh*t!

It's labor intensive!

Get real!

The whole idea of killing

a large number of

people at one time, in one

place, is convenience!

Efficiency! Throw 'em in

the f***ing hole!

Look at it this way!

At least the dictator had

the decency to throw a

little dirt on them!

Give the guy some credit!

Dictator's a busy man!

Got a lot in his mind!

Like trying to figure out

who's planning to kill him!

So he can pick them up, put them in prison,

and torture them!

Here's another of

our interesting

heart-warming behaviours

we came up with...

...somewhere along the way!

Torturing each other!

You wanna hear a really cool torture

that the romans invented?

They also used it as a form

of capital punishment!

It's really creative!

They would take the guy in question,

stuff him in a burlap sack,

seal the sack up real tight and

throw him in the river, but...!

...and here's the creative part!

Inside the sack, with the guy...!

...they would put a dog, a monkey

and a snake! OK?

A dog, a monkey and a snake!

That's f***ing creative!

Imagine being inside a

burlap sack in the water,

in the dark, sitting next

to a drowning monkey...!

...think he'd be moving around

a little bit?

The dog, he'll be going apeshit!

We know that!

And the snake? Well, he'd

probably be getting curious

about what all the activity

was inside the sack!

He might do anything!

Whatever he did, it would probably

involve venom ant its teeth!

You know what you'd be doing?

You'd be praying to God that the snake bit

the monkey and the dog ate the snake!

Then it would be just you and the dog!

Man and his best friend!

Drowning together! Maybe before you died

you could teach him a few tricks!

Roll over and play dead wouldn't be too

difficult, would it?

Just a thought!

Just a playful thought!

By the way, I assume

you've noticed that all

these activities I'm

mentioning, murder...

...torture, genocide...

These are all things human beings do!

Not animals! Those creatures

we feel superior to!

This is us!

Here's another one of our spiritually

uplifting activities!

We don't do this one much anymore!

But it used to be really big!

Human sacrifice!

I miss that!

The Aztecs loved human sacrifice!

And they were good at it!

Well, they got a lot of practice!

For instance, around the year 1500...

...the aztecs sacrificed 18,000 people

in one ceremony! OK?

18,000 people in one ceremony!

Do you know what the occasion was?

They were opening a new temple!

Nothing like religion for

a little entertainment, huh?

Specially that old-time religion!

Do you know how the aztecs went about

their sacrificing? Here's how they did it...

They would do that right out

in public, right in front

of everybody, big town,

beautiful city square...

twenty, thirty thousand people

looking on! They would take the guy...!

...lay him on an altar, cut his

chest open, pull his heart out

and hold it up in the air while

it was still beating! Got that?

Cut his chest open, pull his heart out and hold

it up in the air while it was still beating!

Do you know what you call that?

Theatre!

That's f***ing theatre!

And although the procedure

may have been a little too

crude to be considered the

first bypass surgery...!

...it could easily be seen as an early form

of organ donor programme!

The aztecs! Human beings!

Just like us...

Not too long ago! 500 years!

Columbus had already landed!

That was just south of here!

Mexico!

By the way, those hearts

didn't go to waste!

Because right after

the ceremonies...

The royal family, naturally, would enjoy

another one of our amusing activities...

Cannibalism! Imagine that!

Chowing down on another human being!

You gotta be all out of beef jerky, man!

You gotta be really f***ing hungry!

But it happens, doesn't it?

Still happens to this day!

A bunch of people?

Stranded in the wilderness?

Run out of pop-tarts?

Gotta eat something!

Might as well be Steve!

And how do you decide

who to eat first?

How do you decide who's

first on the barbecue rack?

Do you pick on the little guy,

'cause he's skinny and he can't fight back?

...or do you all gang

up on the bodybuilder

'cause he's got a lot

of steaks and chops on?

These are things human beings

have to consider!

One more of these charming

diversions of ours!

Necrophilia! Huh?

Now there's a hobby for you!

F***ing a corpse!

Takes a special kind of guy!

Don't you think?

But it happens, it happens...

More than you might think!

It happens among humans!

Animals don't do that!

Animals don't f*** their dead!

A rat would do a lot

of gross things!

But it would not f***

a dead rat!

It wouldn't even

occur to him!

Only a human being

would think...!

..to f*** someone who

just died!

We gotta be the most interesting

creatures on the planet...!

...and then we wonder why a UFO

doesn't just land and say hello!

Do you know the best thing

about necrophilia?

You don't have to bring flowers!

Yeah! Usually they're already there!

Isn't that nice? It's nice!

It's convenient!

Human beings would do anything!

Anything! I am convinced!

That's why when all those beheadings

started in Iraq, didn't bother me!

I took it right in stride! A lot of

people here were horrified!

"Oh, beheadings! Beheadings!"

What are you, f***ing surprised?

It's just one more form of

extreme human behaviour!

Besides, who cares about

some mercenary civilian

contractor from Oklahoma

who gets its head cut off?

F*** him! F*** him!

Hey Jack! You don't wanna

get your head cut off?

Stay the f*** in Oklahoma!

They don't cut no heads in Oklahoma!

As far as I know!

But I do know this!

You strap on a gun and go

struttin' around some other man's

country, you'd better be

ready for some action, Jack!

You'd better be ready for some action!

People are touchy about that sort of thing!

Let me ask you this, while I have you

good, clean Americans here...!

This is a moral question...

Not rhetorical, I'm looking for the answer!

What is the moral difference between

cutting off one guy's head, or two,

or three, or five, or ten?

...and dropping a big bomb on a hospital

and killing a whole bunch of sick kids?

Has anybody in authority

given you an explanation of

the difference? I have not

got an e-mail on this...

...no one would talk! We

haven't got a postcard,

not a f***ing instant

message or nothing!

Now, in case you're wondering

why I have a certain

interest and fascination,

let's call it...

...with torture and beheadings, and all

of these things I've mentioned...

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