George Carlin: You Are All Diseased Page #4

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This is the same

kind of guy

that has that

barbed wire tattoo

that goes all the way

around the bicep.

You've seen that

haven't you?

That's just what

I need some guy

who hasn't been laid

since the bicentennial

wants me to think he's

a bad motherf***er

because he's got

a picture ahha,

a painting of some

barbed-wire on his...

I say hey junior

come around

when you have the

real thing on there

I'll squeeze that sh*t on

good and tight

for you okay?

No kidding.

No kidding.

This is the same

kind of guy if you,

if you smashed

him in the face

eight or nine times

with a big chunk

of concrete

and then beat

him over the head

with a steel rod for

an hour and a half

you know what?

He'd drop like

a f***ing rock.

Like a rock.

Here's another guy

thing that sucks.

These T-shirts that say,

Lead follow or get

out of the way.

You ever see that?

This is more of that

stupid Marine

Corp bullshit.

Obsolete male impulses

from a hundred

thousand years ago.

Lead follow or get

out of the way.

You know what I do

when I see that shirt?

I stand right in

the guys path,

force him to

walk around me,

he gets a

little past me,

I spin him around,

kick him in the nuts,

rip off his shirt,

wipe it on my ass

and shove it down

his f***ing throat.

That's what I do when

I see that shirt.

Yeah.

Hey, listen,

that's all

these Marine's

are looking for

a good time.

And speaking

of tough guys,

I'm getting a little

tired of hearing

that after six

policemen get arrested

for shoving

a floor lamp

up some black guys ass

and ripping his

intestine's out

the police

department announces

they're going to have

sensitivity training.

I say hey, if you

need special training

to be told not to jam

a large

cumbersome object

up someone else's a**hole

maybe you're

too f***ed up

to be on the police

force in the first place

huh?

Maybe.

Maybe not.

Maybe not, I don't know.

Listen, yeah.

That's right.

You know what

they ought to do?

They ought to have

two new requirements

for being on the police.

Intelligence and decency.

You never can tell

it might just work.

It certainly hasn't

been tried yet.

No one should ever have

any object placed

inside their a**hole

that is larger

than a fist

and less loving

than a dildo okay?

Now this next thing is

about our president.

This is about

our president.

Bill Jeff.

Bill Jeff.

Bill Jeff.

Clinton.

I don't call him Clinton

I call him Clittin.

Clittin, C-L-l-T-T-l-N,

apostroph-e.

His big deal was J.F.K.

Isn't that right?

Love J.F.K.

Wanted to immolate J.F.K.

In every way.

Well J.F.K.'s

administration

was called Camelot.

Well what it really

should have been called

Come A Lot.

Because that's what

he did he came a lot.

So Clinton's

looking for a legacy

that's what he

should call it.

Well maybe come a little

would be better for him

cause he came a little.

You know, a little

on the dress,

little on the desk,

not a whole lot really.

Hey he was no match,

no match for Kennedy in

the p*ssy department.

Kennedy aimed high,

Marilyn Monroe.

Clinton showed his dick

to a government clerk.

There's a drop off here.

It's a drop off.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Now... I appreciate it.

Something else I'm

getting tired of

is all this stupid bullshit

we have to listen to

all the time

about children.

It's all you here

in this country.

Children.

Help the children.

What about the children?

Save the children.

You know what I say?

F*** the children.

F*** 'em.

They're getting entirely

too much attention

and I know what you're

thinking you say,

Jesus he's not going to

attack children is he?

Yes he is.

He's going to

attack children.

And remember this is

Mister Conductor talking.

I know what I'm

talking about.

I know what I'm

talking about.

And I also know,

I also know all

you single dad's

and soccer mom's

who think you're

such f***ing heroes

aren't going to

like this

but somebody's got to tell

you for your own good,

you're children are

overrated and overvalued.

You've turned them into

little cult objects.

You have a child fetish

and it's not healthy.

And don't give me, don't

give me that weak sh*t.

Well I love my children.

F*** you.

Everybody loves

their children.

Doesn't make you special.

John Wayne Gacy

loved his children.

Kept them all right out in

the yard near the garage.

That's not what

I'm talking about.

What I'm talking about

is this constant,

mindless, yammering

in the media,

this neurotic fixation

that some how everything,

everything has to be

revolved around children.

It's completely

out of balance.

Listen, there are a couple

of things about kids

you have to remember.

First of all, they're

not all cute okay?

In fact, if you

look at them close

some of them are rather

unpleasant looking.

And a lot of them don't

smell too good either.

The little ones

in particular

seem to have a kind of

urine and sour milk

combination or something.

Stay with me on

this, the longer,

the sooner you face it

the better off

you're going to be.

Second premise,

not all children

are smart and

clever got that?

Kids are like any

other group of people,

a few winners a

whole lot of losers.

There are a lot of

loser kids out there

who simply aren't

going anywhere.

And you can't

save them all.

You can't save them all.

You got to let them go.

You go to cut them lose.

You got to stop

overprotecting them

cause your making

them too soft.

Today's kids are

way too soft.

For one thing there's too

much emphasis on safety.

Childproof

medicine bottles

and fireproof pajamas,

child restraints in

car seats and helmets,

bicycles, skateboard,

baseball helmet.

Kids have to wear helmets

now for everything

but jerking off.

Grown ups have

taken all the fun

out of being a kid

just to save a few

thousand lives.

It's pathetic.

It's pathetic.

What's happening is,

all right,

what's happening,

you know what it is?

These baby boomers, these

soft, fruity baby boomers

are raising an

entire generation

of soft, fruity kids

who aren't even allowed

to have hazardous toys

for Christ's sake.

Hazardous toys sh*t.

What ever happened

to natural selection?

Survival of the fittest.

The kid who swallows

too many marbles

doesn't grow up to

have kids of his own.

Simple as that.

Simple.

Nature, nature.

Nature knows best.

We're saving entirely

too many lives

in this country

of all ages.

Nature should be

allowed to do its job

of killing off the

weak and sickly

and ignorant people

without interference

from air bags and

batting helmets.

Just think of it as

passive euthenics okay?

Now here's another example

of over protection.

Did you ever notice

on the TV news

every time some

guy with an AK 47

strolls onto a school yard

and kills three

or four kids

and a couple

of teachers,

the next day,

the next day

the school is overrun

with counselors

and psychiatrist

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