George Carlin: You Are All Diseased Page #5

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and grief

counselors

and trauma therapists

trying to help

the children cope.

Sh*t when I was in school

someone came to our school

and killed three

or four of us

we went right on

with our arithmetic.

Thirty-five

classmates minus four

equals thirty-one.

We were tough.

We were tough.

I say if kids can handle

the violence at home

they ought to be

able to handle

the violence in school.

I'm not worried about

guns in school,

you know what

I'm waiting for?

Guns in church.

That's going to

be a lot of fun.

And it will

happen you watch.

Some nut will go f***ing

ape sh*t in a church

and they'll

refer to him as

a disgruntled worshiper.

Here.

Here's another bunch

of ignorant sh*t.

School uniforms.

Bad theory.

The idea that if kids

wear uniforms to school

it helps keep order.

Don't these schools

do enough damage

making all these

kids think alike

now there going to get

them to look alike too?

And it's not a new idea.

I first saw it in old

newsreel in the 1930's

but it was hard

to understand

cause the narration

was in German.

All right.

One more.

Thank you.

Thank you.

One more item

about children

and that is this

superstitious nonsense

that blames

tobacco companies

for kids who smoke.

Listen kids don't smoke

because a camel in

sunglasses tells them to.

They smoke for the

same reasons adults do

because it relieves

anxiety and depression.

And you'd be anxious

and depressed too

if you had to

put up with these

pathetic, insecure,

striving, anal,

yuppie parents

who enroll you in college

before you're old

enough to know

which side of the

playpen smells the worst.

And then they fill

you full of Ritalin

and drag you

all over town

in search of

meaningless structure.

Little League, Cub

Scouts, swimming, soccer,

karate, piano, bagpipes,

watercolors, witchcraft,

glass blowing and

dildo practice.

They even,

they even have play

dates for Christ's sakes.

Playing is now done

by appointment.

What ever happened to

you show me

your wee wee

and I'll show you mine?

Hey no wonder kids

smoke, it helps.

Not as much as weed

but hey you can't

have everything.

You know it's true,

parents are burning these

kids out on structure.

I think everyday

all children

should have three

hours of daydreaming,

just daydreaming.

You could use it a little

of it yourself by the way.

Just sit at the window

stare at the clouds

it's good for you.

Do you want

to know how

you can help

your children?

Leave them the f*** alone!

Very well.

Thank you very much.

Okay.

All right now a

little change of pace.

Little change

of intensity.

I want you to know

what's on

television tonight

on the other channels.

Always like people

to know what it is

they're missing by

listening to my sh*t.

First of all on the

Playboy channel

on the Playboy

channel tonight

they have one of those

new reality shows

where the people at home

send in their own tapes

it's called, Home

Videos of Bad F***ing.

And speaking of that

delightful activity

I guess you know last

week Rickey Lake

had a special program

Women Who Fake Orgasms

so tonight not

to be out done

Jerry Springer has

a night time special

Men Who Fake

Bowel Movements.

Yeah I think they're

running out of topics

on those shows too.

Sally Jesse's

next show is

Rapist's Who Force

Their Victims

to Play Yahtzee

Beforehand.

Getting a little

strange on daytime TV.

Then later on tonight

on the Nostalgia Channel

they're going to

play back-to-back

two of my

favorite episodes

of Little House

on the Prairie.

First of all of the

A Douche Bag for Clara.

Wasn't that good?

And it was sad toward

the end when she cried

cause she stuck it

in the wrong hole.

But as they say

in the U.S. Navy,

there is no wrong hole.

And then right after that

they're going to play

my favorite Little House

on the Prairie of all time,

Missy Takes A Big

Dump In The Woods.

And that was

interesting I thought

cause she had on

the high heels

and the long dress

and it was fun to watch

how she had to maneuver

through the poison sumac.

And they didn't have

toilet paper in those days

she had to use a

series of pinecones.

And she was pulling them

in the wrong direction.

Yes.

I understand toward

the end of the show

they had to bleep

out a lot of

screaming and

foul language.

And then hey, hey,

later on tonight

on pay-per-view,

on pay-per-view

Willie Nelson.

Willie Nelson's concert

is on and TV Guide listed

all the songs he's

going to sing.

He's going to start out

with one my favorites,

Too Drunk To Jerk Off,

isn't that a good one?

God I love that song.

Then he's going to do

a series of love songs.

Kiss Me I'm Coming,

awe that's a good one.

Kiss me I'm coming.

Hold me I'm humming.

Hmmmm.

Well I can't help

it, I am a romantic

and I do enjoy the

sentimental tunes.

Here's a sad song,

I should of F***ed

Ole' What's Her Name.

Remember that?

I should of never

played the game.

I should of f***ed

ole' what's her name.

Here's one my mother used

to sing around the house.

You're Love Ran Down My

Leg and Now You're Gone.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That one always got to me.

I'm glad you feel

the same way.

Here's a fine love song.

You Blew My Mind

Now Blow Me.

He even,

he's even going to do

a Stevie Wonder song,

I Just Called To Say

I Tested Positive.

Yeah.

Well you don't want

to leave anybody out

you know what I mean?

And hey, and hey,

what would a Willie

Nelson show be

without a couple

of cowboy songs?

He's going to do that one

George Jones and

Waylon Jennings wrote,

Drinking Beer,

Taking A Sh*t

and Passing Out.

Then he's going

to do a kind of

traditional western song,

one that Gene

Autry used to sing

when I was a little boy,

It's Midnight in Montana

and I Can't Get My

Dick Out of this Cow.

I love that song.

I always liked it.

Yeah.

You know why I like

that song so much?

Cause it's a real

cowboy song,

and by the way, speaking

of cattle f***ing,

do you know why it is

when a rancher

fucks a sheep

he does so at the

edge of a cliff?

It's so the sheep

will push back.

Little something for you.

Yes.

Just a little tip

for you outdoorsmen

when you're out camping.

Now this next thing

is about names

that's all names.

Names are an

interest of mine.

Not a hobby.

Hobby's cost money.

Interest are free.

This is just about names.

Did you ever notice how

they name singles bars?

Singles bars have

all the same kind of

cutesy little one word

names that end in 'S.'

Scamps, Tramps, Chats,

Rumors, Cahoots, Cheers,

Chances, Mingles,

Risks, Gambits, Notions,

hey if I had a singles bar

you know what I'd call it?

Nipples and D*cks.

A little truth

in advertising.

The Sperm Club.

Snatch-O-Rama.

The Crotchiteria,

Frankie's Fuckery,

Caf Vagina,

Open All Night.

Well I'm an old

fashioned guy.

I'm old-fashioned

cause I believe

the name on the

outside of a place

ought to let you know

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