George Carlin: You Are All Diseased Page #6

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what's going on

in the inside.

Here would be a good name

for a gay restaurant,

The Mouthful, huh?

Come on that's

clever sh*t,

that's a double

pun Goddamn it,

you didn't think of it.

Besides you don't

have to eat there

if you don't want to.

No, no, just go in

have a cocktail.

Or a high ball.

Here's another name

I don't care for,

TGI Fridays.

You know these cutesy

ass little places,

TGI Fridays.

That whole TGIF thing was

cute for about an hour,

about an hour,

and that was 65 years ago

when someone first

said it on the radio.

Not cute anymore,

time to start bombing

these locations.

TGI Fridays.

If I had a

place like that

you know what

I'd call it?

H-S-l-O-W,

Holy Sh*t its

Only Wednesday.

I think people would

drink a lot more liquor

if they thought it was

Wednesday all the time.

Well I'm just looking

for a little honesty

in these names,

little honesty.

That's not asking a lot.

I'm thinking of

opening up a motel

and calling it The

Sleep and F***.

Wouldn't that be a good

honest name for a motel?

Who needs this Shady

Pines bullshit?

The Sleep and F*** Motel.

Get me one of them

big neon signs,

Sleep... F***.

Sleep... f***.

Sleep and f***.

Sleep and f***.

Sleep and F***.

Sleep... f***.

Sleep... f***.

Sleep and F***.

Sleep and F***.

You put it right at

the Jersey entrance

to the Holland

Tunnel you know?

Actually F*** and Sleep

would be a little more

accurate wouldn't it?

Best name for a

motel would be

The F*** and Smoke and

Sleep and Rollover

and Get Out of Bed

and Wash Your Crotch

and Go Out and Buy

Two Cans Mr. Pibb

and Go Home and F***

A Whole Lot More.

A whole lot more.

Cause that's all

they ever have left

in those soda machines

on Sunday nights.

Mr. Pibb and Diet

Shasta Orange

and that yellow can

of Canada Dry Tonic

Water that nobody wants!

And speaking of

naming things,

am I the only person

in this country

who's laughing when

these commercials

come on television for

Snapper lawn mowers?

Isn't there anyone else

on this fading republic

who knows what

a snapper is?

A snapper is a p*ssy okay?

That's what it means,

snapper means p*ssy

It's derived from an

older more specific term

snappin' p*ssy,

which describes a

particular type of p*ssy.

One with good, quick

muscular control,

kind of an elasticity

in the vaginal wall

that can grab

a hold of you

and give you a decent hump

do you know what

I'm talking about?

A snappin' p*ssy.

But now, now snapper

means any kind of p*ssy

and they've named a lawn

mower company after it.

Now I have seen a few

snappers in my day,

never seen one

that'll cut grass.

No.

No.

Maybe do a little edging,

a little edging

along the driveway

after a party that's

all you can hope for.

But you know weed whacker

you can understand.

Now a lot of these

company names

and product names

are influenced

by marketing

and advertising people

and this next thing

is about advertising

and by the way if

you should have any

cognitive dissonance

about the fact

that I do commercials

for 10-10-2-20

and still attack

advertising up here

well you're just

going to have

to figure that sh*t

out on your own okay?

Now, this is called

advertising lullaby.

Keeping in mind of course

that the whole

purpose of advertising

is to lull

you to sleep.

Quality, values, styles,

service, selection,

convenience, economy,

savings, performance,

experience,

hospitality, low-rates,

friendly service, name

brands, easy terms,

affordable prices,

money back guarantee,

free installation,

free admission,

free appraisal,

free alterations,

free delivery,

free estimates,

free home trial

and free parking,

no cash, no problem,

no kidding,

no fuss, no muss, no

risk, no obligation,

no red tape, no

down payment,

no entry fee, no

hidden charges,

no purchase necessary,

no one will call on you,

no payments or interest

till September.

But limited time only,

so act now, order today,

send no money, offer good

while supplies last,

two to a customer, each

item sold separately,

batteries not included,

mileage may vary,

all sales are final,

allow six weeks

for delivery,

some items not available,

some assembly required,

some restrictions

may apply.

But come on in.

Come on in.

Come on in for a

free demonstration

and a free

consultation

with our friendly

professional staff.

Our experience

and knowledgeable

sales representatives

will help you

make a selection that's

just right for you

and just right

for your budget

and say don't forget to

pick up your free gift,

a classic deluxe,

custom designer, luxury,

prestige,

high-quality premium,

select gourmet, pocket

pencil sharpener.

Yours for the asking,

no purchase necessary,

it's our way of

saying thank you

and if you act

now we'll include

an extra added free

complimentary bonus gift,

a classic deluxe,

custom designer,

luxury, prestige,

high-quality,

premium select, gourmet,

combination key ring,

magnifying glass and garden hose

in a genuine imitation

leather style carrying case

with authentic vinyl trim.

Yours for the asking,

no purchase necessary.

It's our way of

saying thank you.

Actually it's

our way of saying

bend over just a

little bit farther

so we can stick this

big advertising dick

up your ass a

little bit deeper.

A little bit deeper.

A little bit deeper.

You miserable,

no good, f***ing

consumer a**hole.

Cause you do know folks

living in this country

you're bound to know,

that every time you're

exposed to advertising

you realize once again

that America's

leading industry,

America's most

profitable business

is still the

manufacture packaging,

distribution and

marketing of bullshit.

High quality, grade

'A', prime cut,

pure American bullshit

and the sad part is,

is that most people seem

to have been indoctrinated

to believe that bullshit

only comes from

certain places,

certain sources,

advertising, politics,

salesmen, not true,

bullshit is everywhere.

Bullshit is rampant.

Parents are full of sh*t,

teachers are

full of sh*t,

clergymen are

full of sh*t

and law enforcement

people are full of sh*t.

This entire country,

this entire country is

completely full of sh*t

and always has been

from the Declaration

of Independence

of the Constitution to

the Star Spangled Banner

it's still nothing more

than one big steaming pile

of red, white and blue

all American bullshit

because think of

how we started.

Think of that.

This country was founded

by a group of slave owners

who told us all men

are created equal.

Oh yeah, all

men except for

Indians and n*ggers

and women right?

Always like to use

that authentic

American language.

This was a small

group of unelected,

white male, land

holding, slave owners

who also suggested

their class

be the only one

allowed to vote.

Now that is what's known

as being stunningly

and embarrassingly

full of sh*t.

And I think, I

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