George Carlin: You Are All Diseased Page #7

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think Americans

really show their

ignorance when they say

they want their

politicians to be honest.

What are these f***ing

creedents talking about?

If honesty were suddenly

introduced into

American life

the whole system

would collapse.

No one would

no what to do.

Honesty would f***

this country up.

And I think deep down

Americans know that.

That's why they elected

and re-elected

Bill Clinton.

That's right.

Because, because

the American people

liked their bullshit

right out front

where they can get a

good strong whiff of it.

Clinton might

be full of sh*t

but at least he

lets you know it.

Dole tried to

hide it didn't he?

Dole kept saying, I'm

a plain and honest man.

Bullshit.

People don't believe that.

What did Clinton say?

He said, Hi folks.

I'm completely full sh*t

and how do you like that?

And the people said,

You know something?

At least he's honest.

At least he's honest

about being completely

full of sh*t.

It's just like the

business world.

Same as business.

Everybody knows by

now all businessmen

are completely

full of sh*t.

Just the worse kind

of low life criminal,

cocksuckers you could

ever want to run into.

The f***ing piece

of sh*t businessman.

And the proof of it,

the proof of it is

they don't even

trust each other.

They don't trust

one another.

When a businessman

sets down

and negotiates a deal

the first thing he

does is automatically

assume that the other guy

is a complete lying prick

who's trying to f***

him out of his money.

So he's got to do

everything he can

to f*** the other guy

a little bit faster

and a little bit harder.

And he's got to do it

with a big smile

on his face.

You know that big

bullshit businessman smile

and if you're a

customer whoa,

that's when you get

the really big smile.

Customer always gets

the really big smile

as the businessman

carefully

positions himself

directly behind

the customer

and unzips his pants

and proceeds to

service the account.

I'm servicing

this account.

This customer

needs service.

Now you know

what they mean.

Now you know what they

mean when they say,

We specialize in

customer service.

Whoever coined the phrase,

"let the buyer beware"

was probably bleeding

from the a**hole.

But that's business.

That's business.

But in the bullshit

department,

in the bullshit department

a businessman

can't hold a candle

to a clergyman.

Cause I got to tell

you the truth folks,

I got to tell

you the truth,

when it comes to bullshit,

big time, major

league bullshit

you have to stand in awe,

in awe of the

all time champion

of false promises and

exaggerated claims

religion,

no contest.

No contest.

Religion,

religion easily has

the greatest bullshit

story ever told.

Think about it.

Religion has actually

convinced people

that there's an invisible

man living in the sky

who watches

everything you do,

every minute of every day

and the invisible man

has a special list

of ten things he does

not want you to do.

And if you do any

of these ten things

he has a special place

full of fire and smoke

and burning and

torture and anguish

where he will send

you to live and suffer

and burn and choke

and scream and cry

forever and ever

till the end of time.

But he loves you.

He loves you.

He loves you and

he needs money.

He always needs money.

He's all-powerful, all

perfect, all knowing

and all wise somehow

just can't handle money.

Religion takes in

billions of dollars,

they pay no taxes,

and they always

need a little more.

Now you talk about a

good bullshit story,

holy sh*t!

Thank you.

Thank you.

But... thank you very much.

But I want you to know,

I want you to

know something,

this is sincere,

I want you to know

when it comes to

believing in God

I really tried.

I really, really tried.

I tried to believe

that there is a God

who created each of us

in his own image

and lightness,

loves us very much

and keeps a close

eye on things,

I really tried

to believe that.

But I got to tell you

the longer you live,

the more you look around,

the more you realize

something is f***ed up.

Something is wrong here.

War, disease, death,

destruction, hunger,

filth, poverty, torture,

crime, corruption

and the Ice Capades

something is

definitely wrong.

This is not good work.

If this is the

best God can do

I am not impressed.

Results like these

do not belong

on the resume of

a supreme being.

This is the kind of

sh*t you'd expect

from an office temp

with a bad attitude.

And just between you and

me, between you and me

in any decently

run universe

this guy would have been

out on his all-powerful

ass a long time ago.

And by the way,

I say this guy because

I firmly believe,

looking at these results,

that if there is a God

it has to be a man.

No woman could

or would ever

f*** things up like this.

So, so,

lf,

If there is a

God, if there is,

I think most reasonable

people might agree

that he's at least

incompetent and maybe,

just maybe doesn't

give a sh*t.

Doesn't give a sh*t,

which I admire

in a person

and which would

explain a lot

of these bad results.

So rather than

be just another

mindless religious robot,

mindlessly and aimlessly

and blindly believing

that all of this

is in the hands

of some spooky

incompetent father figure

who doesn't give a sh*t,

I decided to look around

for something

else to worship.

Something I could

really count on

and immediately I

thought of the sun.

Happened like that.

Overnight I became

a sun worshiper.

Well not overnight,

you can't see

the sun at night

but first thing

the next morning

I became a sun worshiper.

Several reasons,

first of all I

can see the sun

okay?

Yeah.

Unlike some other

God's I could mention,

I can actually

see the sun.

I'm big on that.

If I can see something,

I don't know,

it kind of helps the

creditability along you know?

So everyday I

can see the sun

as it gives me

everything I need

heat, light, food,

flowers in the park,

reflections on

the lake,

an occasional skin

cancer but hey

at least there were

no crucifixions

and were not setting

people on fire

simply because they

don't agree with us.

Sun worship is

fairly simple,

there's no mystery,

no miracles,

no pageantry, no

one asks for money,

there are no

songs to learn

and we don't have

special building

where we all gather once a

week to compare clothing.

And the best thing,

the best thing

about the sun

it never tells

me I'm unworthy.

Doesn't tell me

I'm a bad person

who needs to be saved.

Hasn't said an

unkind word.

Treats me fine.

So I worship the sun

but I don't

pray to the sun

know why?

I wouldn't presume

on our friendship.

It's not polite.

I've often thought

people treat God

rather rudely don't you?

Asking up trillions and

trillions of prayers everyday.

Asking and pleading

and begging for favors.

Do this, give me that,

I need a new car,

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