George Carlin: You Are All Diseased Page #8

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I want a better job

and most of this praying

takes place on Sunday,

his day off.

It's not nice and it's

no way to treat a friend.

But people do pray

and they pray

for a lot of

different things.

You know you're sister needs

an operation on her crotch.

Your brother was arrested

for defecating in a mall.

But most of all you'd

really like to f***

that hot little red head

down at the

convenient store.

You know the one

with the eye patch

and the clubfoot huh?

Can you pray for that?

I think you'd have to.

And I say fine, pray

for anything you want,

pray for anything but

what about the

divine plan?

Remember that?

The divine plan;

long time ago God

made a divine plan.

Gave it a lot of thought,

decided it was a good

plan, put into practice

and for billions and

billions of years

the divine plan has

been doing just fine.

Now you come along and

pray for something.

Well suppose the

thing you want

isn't in God's

divine plan.

What do you

want him to do

change his plan

just for you?

Doesn't it seem a

little arrogant?

It's a divine plan.

What's the use

of being God

if every run down schmuck

with a two-dollar

prayer book

can come along and

f*** up your plan?

And here's

something else,

another problem

you might have,

suppose your prayers

aren't answered,

what do you say?

Well it's God's will.

Thy will be done.

Fine but if

it's God's will

and he's going to do

what he wants to anyway

why the f*** bother

praying in the first place?

Seems like a big

waste of time to me.

Couldn't you just

skip the praying part

and go right to his will?

It's all very confusing.

So to get around

a lot of this

I decided to

worship the sun

but as I said I don't

pray to the sun.

You know who I pray to?

Joe Peshi.

Joe Peshi.

Joe Peshi.

Two reasons, first of all

I think he's a good actor

okay?

To me that counts.

Second,

he looks like a guy who

can get things done.

Joe Peshi doesn't

f*** around.

Doesn't f*** around.

In fact,

in fact, Joe Peshi

came through

on a couple of things that

God was having trouble with.

For years I asked

God to do something

about my noisy neighbor

with the barking dog,

Joe Peshi straightened

that cocksucker out

with one visit.

It's amazing what

you can accomplish

with a simple

baseball bat.

So I've been praying to

Joe for about a year now

and I noticed something.

I noticed that

all the prayers

I used to offer to God

and all the prayers I

now offer to Joe Peshi

are being

answered at about

the same fifty

percent rate.

Half the time I

get what I want,

half the time I don't.

Same as God, fifty-fifty.

Same as the

four-leaf clover

and the horseshoe,

the wishing well and

the rabbit's foot.

Same as the Mojo man.

Same as the Voodoo lady

who tells you your fortune

by squeezing the

goat's testicles,

it's all the

same fifty-fifty.

So just pick your

superstition, sit back,

make a wish and

enjoy yourself

and for those of you

who look to the Bible

for a moral lessons

and literary qualities

I might suggest

a couple of other

stories for you.

You might want to look

at the Three Little Pigs,

that's a good one.

Has a nice happy ending.

I'm sure you'll like that.

Then there's Little

Red Riding Hood

although it does have

that X-rated part

where the big bad wolf

actually eats

the grandmother,

which I didn't care

for by the way.

And finally I've often

always drawn a great deal

of moral comfort

from Humpty Dumpty.

The part I like the best,

all the king's horses

and all the king's men

couldn't put Humpty Dumpty

back together again.

That's because there

is no Humpty Dumpty

and there is no God.

None, not one, no

God, never was.

In fact, I'm going

to put it this way,

if there is a God,

if there is a God

may he strike this

audience dead.

See nothing happened.

Everybody's

okay all right.

Tell you what,

tell you what I'll

raise the stakes.

I'll raise the

stakes a little bit;

if there is a God may

he strike me dead.

See nothing

happened wait

I got a little

cramp in my leg

and my balls hurt.

Plus I'm blind.

Now I'm okay again,

must have been

Joe Peshi.

God Bless Joe Peshi.

Thank you all very much.

Joe bless you.

Thank you all very much.

I appreciate it.

Bye bye.

Have fun.

Good.

Thank you very much.

Have a good time,

Have a good

time, thank you.

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