Get Hard Page #3

I didn't hear that part.

They might as well call it

San F***ing, man.

I don't wish that on my worst enemy.

You talking about bad? That's bad.

You should know.

I'm sorry to remind you.

What are you talking about?

Well, the fact that you went to prison.

The fact that I went to prison?

Yes. Look, you did your time.

You paid your debt. And we as society...

...should welcome you back, and we do.

You and I are exactly the same.

Except you can't vote, ever.

Just before I get to another level of

anger, Mr. King, tell me for giggles...

- ...how do you know I went to prison?

- It's simple.

Statistical analysis is what I do.

Here's the deal:

One out of three black men will find

themselves incarcerated during their lifetime.

- Imagine a pizza, okay?

- Okay.

There are three pieces.

Three black pieces.

One of those pieces of pizza will be thrown

in jail at some point during its life.

You know what?

Let me give you my statistical analysis.

You going to San Quentin.

There's 100 percent chance...

...that you're gonna be somebody's b*tch.

Ten years of this:

- You know what that is?

- Mm-mm.

A big-ass black man

on your pale white ass.

You:
"No! I don't want any more!

Stop! That's enough."

Too late. He done tagged the next guy in.

That's like a rabbit.

You don't want him no more...

...so now here comes the guy

that wants to rub your face.

"I like his hair." He's breathing on you.

That's disgusting. But guess what?

You can look forward to 10 years of it!

What if I speak to all the b*tches

and we organize...

...form a union, and we put our feet down

and say, "Enough!"

- There's gotta be more of us than them.

- There's not.

You deserve everything you're getting.

Good luck on survival, sir.

Better luck on handling yourself!

Wait! Wait! Wait! Don't leave.

Don't leave, please. I could use your help.

Help you with what?

Help me to not be someone's b*tch.

You expect me to help you?

I'm supposed to teach you what?

How to prevent this:

- All right, stop.

- You could train me.

You could be the Athena to my Odysseus.

I don't even know

what the f*** that is, man!

I could pay you.

Whatever it takes.

I need $30,000.

- Done.

- Oh...

Okay.

Yup. Yeah.

- Fantastic.

- All right.

What are you doing?

I only know these two.

What are you trying to do?

- Shake? You wanna shake my hand?

- Oh, regular.

- It's a deal. We got a deal.

- Excellent.

- Thank you, Darnell.

- I'll see you in the morning, convict.

What are you doing? What is that?

- Trying to do this thing.

- No.

- Shake. It's fine.

- Okay.

Mr. King, no. I got that.

- All right. No problem.

- I appreciate it.

I appreciate it.

Oh.

Yes! Thank you!

Thank you, Jesus!

I knew it! I knew my day would come.

I'm getting the house.

I'm getting the house. Unh!

Babe. This does not make any sense.

Why would he hire you?

- Because he thinks I went to prison, babe.

- That's the part I don't get.

- Why would you tell him that?

- I didn't. He assumed that.

- He assumed it?

- Yes!

So what reason did you give him

to assume that you went to jail?

I was being black.

- This is nuts.

- Okay. I don't get what's nuts to you.

In 30 days, we'll have the money, the house

will be ours. What is the problem?

The problem is he is never going to believe

that you went to jail.

Look, babe. I am your wife,

so I will put it to you straight.

You are not exactly a thug.

I don't have to be a thug

to portray a thug. Okay?

Honestly, all I gotta do is change

my voice, talk a little deeper.

Talk like this and be

every stereotype he already thinks I am.

Right now, I'm thugging.

This is thugging.

You're so good at it, sweetie.

Have a good night.

- B*tch! Don't walk away from me!

- What the hell did you just say to me?

- Girl, stop. Stop!

- What is wrong with you?

What is that?

I love you! I was playing!

- B*tch.

- What?

- I didn't say nothing!

- Oh.

Man, I didn't say nothing.

You wanna watch The Notebook?

- I love you and Makayla.

- Yeah, I love you too. Good night.

You've reached the mailbox of Martin Clark.

Please leave a message after the tone.

Hi, Dad?

It's James.

Just wondering if there's any word

from the investigators.

I still love you.

Thank you. Bye.

Now, I heard a crazy story about you.

This guy James King?

And I heard that you played at the party

where he got arrested.

Yeah. I had no idea

that I was performing for a monster.

I don't know how to explain what it's like

to take money from someone like that.

It makes you wanna give it back to them...

...except that would be worse

because then they'd have it.

And it's that whole helpless feeling that I have

about our creative process being monetized...

...and that's what inspired me

to write this song...

...which is actually available

on iTunes tonight at midnight.

- If I can play it.

- Great.

I can't see through walls

And I can't read your mind

But if I did I'd find

That man James King is a great big turd

I mean the small, small kinds

But that James

Will fall

Hands against the prison wall

Choking on a mouthful of balls

He'll be choking on

A mouthful of balls

I hate to admit it, but it's a good song.

Okay, very nice. John Mayer, everybody.

Now I'm gonna be dreaming about balls.

Hey, Russell.

It's Darnell.

Your cousin. Your cousin, Darnell, man.

Hey, listen, Russell...

...how would you like to make $500

just for telling me what prison was like.

Well, I don't wanna say that.

Russell, I shouldn't have to say that.

For what?! What is...?

Fine. Fine.

I'm a Cliff Huxtable p*ssy-looking

motherf***er.

No! I'm not even wearing khakis.

Russell, can you please just help me, what I'm

asking you for? Just start from the beginning.

No, no. Like, the beginning, the beginning.

Like, the first day of prison.

On the first day?

Oh. There's no warm-up?

That's sad.

Russell, I'm sorry,

did I just hear a gunshot?

You gotta go. Okay. Bye.

Ready, mother...?

Ready, mother...? Ready, mother...?

That's it, that's it. Ahem.

Coming!

Rita, Makayla, new house, good school.

You ready, motherf***er?

Just a second!

Hello?

- You ready, motherf***er?!

- Aah!

- Oh, it burns!

- Pepper spray, b*tch!

Rule number one:

You always be on guard, okay?

On the inside, there's somebody

on every corner to f*** you up!

Prison school is in session, b*tch!

You already failing.

I'm so glad I hired you.

This is just what I need.

Okay. What's next?

What the...?!

How many motherfuckers live here?!

All right. Let's get started.

This right here is

my prison readiness program.

If you follow this guide and do exactly

what I say you will survive in prison.

"Keistering."

- What's keistering?

- Slow down! You ain't ready for that.

You're the teacher.

And I just want you to know I'll do whatever

it takes to survive and get my life back.

That's good,

because let me tell you something:

You're gonna have to work harder

than you ever worked before.

Back when I was in Harvard Business School,

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