Get Hard Page #6

Where are you at, man?

Come on, man.

This is gonna help me in the long run.

- Here. Right there.

- Don't point it at me.

Hey! Have fun with it, right?

- Have fun with it.

- Yeah.

- Come on.

- Three, two, one! In the mouth!

Look, you're gonna

find you someone, man.

You just gotta set your sights on something

more realistic, you know?

You gotta think long-term.

Think about the relationship.

Who are you gonna raise

that Chinese baby with?

- I don't know.

- Hm?

Who are you gonna restore

that Airstream camper with?

Who are you gonna drive and open that

bed-and-breakfast in New Hampshire with?

- This is what I need to hear.

- Yes! Yes.

I can't do it. I really tried. I

just can't! You have to train me.

It's my last chance.

You ready to train harder

than you've ever trained?

Because once we go,

we do not hold back.

We do it! And we do it hard!

Are you ready to get hard?

I am ready. I'm ready to get hard!

- You're gonna show me you can get hard!

- I'm gonna show you!

I'm gonna get so hard!

Because I'm gonna show you how hard!

That's what I wanna hear.

Then let's go home and get hard.

I want what they have.

Yeah!

Yeah, James!

Yeah!

- Unh!

- Yeah!

That's what I'm talking about!

- Ugh.

- Sho' enough!

Fear of dick-sucking

will give a man strength.

F*** you.

F*** cock!

Sh*t!

Hey, back off! You better get those tits

out of my face! Or I'll show you my tits!

- What are you doing?

- Working on my trash talk.

You know, to get respect

from the other inmates.

Let me hear some of it.

All right. Ahem.

Hey, pal. I'm about to tear you a new ass.

You gonna have to do a little better

than that, James.

Hey, I'm about to tear you a new ass.

And sew up your old ass!

Okay. All right.

I'm gonna punch you in the f***!

I'm gonna make you my b*tch's b*tch!

You're gonna be my grand-b*tch!

Yeah. You're about to 20 likes

on Instafuck.

If I see you around here again,

I'm gonna put a hashtag on your ass.

And see how many hits it gets.

- Hmm?

- Oh, my God.

Hope you brought your Costco card,

because you're about to get dick in bulk!

What? This is so dark.

How does a prix fixe dinner

of five courses of dick sound?

- You eat organic?

- What?

How about fresh farm-to-table,

a pure of my balls!

Yeah. Merry Dickmas, Santa Cock!

Hmm?

Okay. All right, man.

Where is this stuff coming from, James?

Hey, son.

You're a disappointment to your parents.

Who I f***ed!

Oh, sh*t.

James, this is sick.

You gotta be crazy to think of this.

That crazy is good.

Thank you. I've got about six hours more.

That's good, James. That's really good.

I like that. I like that a lot.

I hope you brought your dick punch-card

because the eighth dick is free.

Stab!

Sh*t! Okay.

That's not bad, James.

That's not bad at all.

Progress.

Peter piper picked a peck

of pickled c*cks!

Yes.

Hey, hey, hey!

You ready to get to work today?

Huh?

- Hello.

- What's all this stuff?

Oh, these are shanks.

Or "shivs."

In Scotland, they're

referred to as "chibs."

In fact, I made this one for you.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Just to say thank you

for all the hard work.

Oh, man.

That's nice. That's cool.

Whoa, whoa. Don't hold it by the blade.

Haven't you ever held one before? Right here.

Yeah, no, my cellie

used to hold them all the time.

I don't like them.

They cause too much trouble.

You pull that out on the yard, somebody come

out attack you, they can do this to you.

Now what do you do?

You know what I mean?

What the hell? Where'd that come from?

I taught myself how to keister.

How to keister? Up the keister?

Look, the electronic toothbrush part,

it still works.

Oh, no. Okay, James. Cut it off.

Cut it off. Get it out of my face, man.

I can turn it on with no hands.

I don't want to see that.

I don't want to see that trick.

It's okay. Put it back. God.

- Put it back?

- No. No, no.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Please.

- Do you want me to teach you how?

- No, I'm gonna pass on that.

It starts with a simple inverse inhale.

James, stop it.

That, with a simultaneous

relaxing of the sphincter.

I don't wanna know.

You sure?

I'm positive.

I just wanna ask you one question.

I was over there,

and I was touching all those shanks.

Were they, uh...?

- Keistered?

- Yeah. Were they keistered?

Most of them. Yeah.

We're about to simulate a prison riot.

Understand that this is

the most dangerous situation there is.

Prisoners are scared.

Guards are scared.

The key to surviving is to not freak out.

- Good Lord. What's gonna happen?

- Cecelio's just gonna throw some stuff at you.

Some roosters, some mangly

homeless guys, whatever he's got.

- He's really excited about this.

- Okay. Let's do it.

Wait, don't I get body armor?

No. We don't have that type of time.

Cecelio!

Why don't we have enough time?

Remember, do not freak out.

Lights!

Music!

Who wants to party?!

Go! Go! Go!

Cecelio! Release the chickens!

No, no, no, James! Don't freak out!

Darnell, there's a baboon!

- You're in my world now!

- Aah!

Someone let me out!

Stop freaking out!

It's f***ing beautiful!

Oh, sh*t!

Die! Die!

Cecelio, turn it off!

Turn it off!

Turn it off!

James, I've lost control!

Cecelio! Pull back! I have lost control!

Oh, my God!

- God!

- Oh, my God.

Sh*t!

- I'm stabbed!

- No!

- I'm cut!

- No, you cut me, man!

You stabbed me!

- No, I didn't!

- Yes, you did!

I told you, don't freak out!

You freaked out! God! Wait...

- No, I'm okay.

- Hold up.

It's just the wine.

I see all the wine, man.

I totally feel fine.

- Oh, f***!

- What? It's a...

Oh.

- Oh, that's where the other one went.

- Okay, just sit down.

- It's a shiv. It's just a shiv.

- Yes, I know.

Hey, don't freak out.

- I'm gonna pull it.

- Okay.

Oh, my God.

It's like a fishhook. The more you pull,

the deeper it lodges.

All right. Okay. Look, my wife's a nurse.

Let's get you to my wife. Okay?

God. Oh, God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

It's sticking right out of my head.

James, listen. I don't want to look at it

no more because I'm starting to...

Oh, sh*t. I'm so scared.

I know. Can you f***ing

just keep your head...

Ow!

- Oh, God!

- You drove it in a little deeper.

Oh, God. Oh, James, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- Is my eye twitching?

- No!

- Answer the question. Is my eye twitching?

- It look fine.

- Yeah? Does it look fine?

- Yeah, fine, man. There's nothing wrong.

- Let's play a memory game, okay? Engage.

- Yes.

- Give me 12 months.

- Months.

One, two...

- No.

- Four...

Summer, Christmas...

- What?

- Baked potato...

- What is "baked potato"?

- Wait. Did I leave one out?

No. You're right. You're right.

Those are the months.

Thanks for driving me to college, Dad.

What? What the f***?

But don't start crying when you drop me off

at the dorm, because then I'll start crying.

I love you, Dad.

Love you too, man.

- This is where I need to get out.

- James! No! No!

Close the door! Close the door!

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