Get Him to the Greek Page #13

AARON:

What is that?

ALDOUS:

I call it the Jeffrey. It’s a bit

o this, a bit o that.

Aaron takes it and starts puffing on it.

ALDOUS (CONT’D)

Why aren’t you with your lady?

AARON:

I have a girlfriend who I’m going

to marry.

81.

ALDOUS:

If you have a girlfriend you’regoing to marry then this is theonly time you’ll be able to do thisin good conscience. Once you’remarried you can’t have sex with arandom girl in a Vegas hotel suite.

But now you can.

AARON:

But I shouldn’t. And besides I

don’t want to either at all. She’s

a hot doctor. I didn’t think theyexisted!

ALDOUS:

You’ve got to get it out of your

system. Otherwise it’s going toemerge like a noxious sh*t bubbleyears from now when you have alittle baby daughter. Do you wantto break your baby daughter’sheart?

AARON:

No. I don’t.

ALDOUS:

Then go out there and f*** thatgirl. It’s the morally correctthing to do.

Aldous starts to pee in the toilet.

ALDOUS (CONT’D)

Man I had to pee the entire time wewere having sex. Isn’t that the

worst? As I came I was literallythinking about Victoria Falls.

Aaron walks out of the bathroom back to the balcony. Aldous *

carefully inspects his hair in the mirror. He sees one gray *

hair. He carefully PLUCKS it out. *

EXT. BELLAGIO SUITE - BALCONY - NIGHT

Aaron rejoins Krissy on the balcony and hands her the joint.

Krissy takes it and puffs it.

KRISSY:

Woh. What is that?

82.

AARON:

Something called the Jeffrey.

(then)

If we do what I think we’re goingto do it’s important that I tellyou once more that I have agirlfriend and shouldn’t be doingthis at all. In fact, I’m sorry Ieven suggested we do anything.

This is clearly a highlyinappropriate situation and Iregret having offended and/ordishonored you in any way.

KRISSY:

You’re cute.

Krissy grabs Aaron and kisses him hard.

INT. BELLAGIO SUITE - GUEST ROOM - NIGHT

They fall into a bed. Krissy’s “nice” shtick suddenly dropand she becomes a voraciously sexual.

KRISSY:

Man you are a hot. You look like

Dennis Quaid.

AARON:

Really? I never thought of myself--*

Krissy tears off Aaron’s pants.

AARON (CONT’D)

Woh! I’m not sure about this --

KRISSY:

Get sure! Pump me! *

Krissy removes her shirt and puts Aaron’s hands on her b*obs.

AARON:

Wow... these are really... hard.

KRISSY:

Silicone can get into yourbloodstream and f*** your sh*t up.

She goes down on Aaron. We can’t tell what she’s doing.

83.

AARON:

What is that? What are you doing?

I’m not sure but I think I love

what is currently happening to me.

Why can’t I stop narrating what ishappening to me while it’shappening -

(then, noticing something

below frame)

Wow, your pubic hair is in theshape of a lightning bolt.

INT. BELLAGIO SUITE - MASTER BEDROOM

Aaron BUSTS into the room.

AARON:

You tricked me into having sex witha hooker!

ALDOUS:

Not a trick! A gift!

AARON:

Well let me just say that I did notcomplete the sex! So there! I am

high and I am not enjoying thissensation! My heart is going likecrazy!

JONATHAN SNOW *

Why is jewboy talking so much?

ALDOUS:

You’re just nervous that youscrewed that girl. Normal stress

coming out.

AARON:

I didn’t cheat on her! I didn’t

even put it in! It just kind ofcircled the area! My heartliterally won’t stop pounding!

ALDOUS:

That is the most amazing expression

ever.

Aldous takes out his camera phone and takes a photo of Aaron.

Aaron spazzily takes a drag off the joint.

AARON:

I’m totally having a heart attack!

84.

JONATHAN SNOW *

Well then I wouldn’t suck on that.

AARON:

Why? It’s just a joint.

ALDOUS:

No, it’s a Jeffrey.

AARON:

Wait... what’s in this thing?

ALDOUS:

A layer of pot. Then a layer ofopium. Then some crack. And a

little bit o meth. And the rollingpaper’s been dipped in acid. Oh,

and there also might be some angeldust. Not sure.

AARON:

Why the f*** is it called Jeffrey?

JONATHAN SNOW *

Cause who could be scared of

Jeffrey? Jeffrey’s just a nicebloke from down the road.

AARON:

I am having a heart attack.

ALDOUS:

No you’re not.

JONATHAN SNOW *

He could be. The Jeffrey givespeople in much better shape heartattacks. I knew this footballer

who had a heart attack who had justlike one puff of the Jeffrey andunlike, Jewfro, he had zero percentbody fat.

ALDOUS:

Don’t freak him out more.

JONATHAN SNOW *

I’m just truth telling.

ALDOUS:

Oh, like the way you truth-telled *

about my relationship with Jackie? *

85.

JONATHAN SNOW *

I had to get my side of the story

across.

ALDOUS:

You ain’t got no side.

JONATHAN SNOW *

You were a bastard as a kid and

you’re a bastard now!

ALDOUS:

Maybe I wouldn’t have been abastard if you hadn’t left me andmum at home to f*** underage Thaihookers!

JONATHAN SNOW *

You’re the one to talk!

ALDOUS:

You made me this way! You made me

incapable of connecting with peopleexcept by having sex with them!

Aldous PUNCHES his dad. Aldous and his Dad get into avicious fist fight.

AARON:

Woh! Woh! Stop it! That man is

sick.

Aaron gets in the middle. Jonathan PUNCHES Aaron in the *

head. Aaron crazily starts scratching Jonathan’s face up. *

AARON (CONT’D)

Ah! Ah! Ah!

JONATHAN SNOW *

Catwoman! It’s Catwoman!

Aldous pulls Aaron off of Jonathan. *

JONATHAN SNOW (CONT’D) *

What the bloody f***? You’re like

Catwoman!

Aldous starts laughing. Jonathan starts laughing. *

AARON:

I think my heart just stopped.

86.

ALDOUS *

Just calm down, alright? Now look *

at me. Think about the beauty in *

this world. Like check out this *

ant. *

Aldous picks up an ant crawling on the table. *

ALDOUS (CONT’D) *

It’s beautiful, isn’t it? *

Aaron looks at it and starts to calm down. Aldous SNORTS IT. *

AARON *

Ah! Why would you do that? *

ALDOUS *

To distract you. And impress you. *

AARON *

My heart’s definitely stopped. *

(then) *

I have to run to keep it beating! *

Aaron takes off around the room and then passes out. He *

wakes up briefly to see Jonathan peeing on the floor. *

INT. BELLAGIO SUITE - BALCONY - DAWN

Aaron is asleep. He gets a rude kick in the side.

ALDOUS:

It’s time to go. *

Aaron shakily stands. They walk into the suite to see *

Aldous’s dad passed out on the floor without pants. Or *

underpants.

AARON:

Should we wake him up so you cansay goodbye?

ALDOUS:

F*** that arse. *

INT. SUV LIMO - MORNING

Aaron and Aldous are in the backseat of the car in earlymorning silence. After a long beat...

87.

AARON:

Your dad doesn’t have pancreaticcancer, does he?

ALDOUS:

It’s in remission.

AARON:

No it isn’t. I don’t care.

ALDOUS:

You’re right. I lied. Like the

way you lied about doing drugs.

AARON:

I’ve smoked pot.

ALDOUS:

That’s not drugs.

AARON:

It’s actually gotten a lot strongerrecently. The THC levels are like

way higher than when our parentssmoked it... you’re right. It’s

not drugs.

ALDOUS:

(then)

I don’t understand you. Why’d youstop having sex with that girl?

She was proper smoking.

AARON:

Because of my girlfriend.

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