Get Santa Page #3

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- Mad.

- No, not mad crazy.

Just mean.

Mean.

- No, mean.

- Mean.

Don't ever do that again.

OK, so, Dasher, if you are here,

your boss wants us

to spring him from prison,

and he says that you would

know what to do.

- Nothing.

- He might be shy.

Or he might be a reindeer

that doesn't speak.

Dasher, we're your friends.

We're not going to hurt you.

If you're here, just show yourself.

Santa didn't say he spoke.

He said he communicated.

That's not a communication.

That's a fart.

Hello, reindeer.

If any of you are trying to speak,

fart now.

Oh, come on.

If one of you is Dasher, fart now.

Dasher's not here.

- What, that's your proof?

- No.

That's my proof.

Santa has seven reindeer.

All right, so what does that mean?

No, no, no, no. Quick, run!

This is Sierra 15. We're in pursuit

of a man and child on suspicion of...

- Why are we chasing them?

- Suspected reindeer rustling.

- Oh, come on. Come on, come on.

- This van's rubbish.

She's a bit rusty.

But that's what happens when

you've been locked up for two years.

- Come on!

- Hurry.

This is bad, Tom.

This is really, really bad.

If I get caught, I'm going straight

back to... Oh, my!

Dasher.

It's him. Do you think

he can fly us out of here?

No, I do not think

he can fly us out of here.

Dasher, can you fly?

Will you stop asking

him questions, please?

- It really is him, isn't it?

- Well, it is a reindeer, yes,

I will give you that.

I'm really sorry, I think we should

get back onto the road.

If we stay on the grass,

we're going to be blocked in.

- Gatehouse, this is Pinkerton.

Who?

- Sergeant Pinkerton.

- Finker what?

Finkerton! Thames Valley Police.

We have some traffic coming your way.

Be sure to stop it. Over!

- What are we gonna do now?

- Well, we either stop or we don't.

Don't!

That was brilliant!

Yes, but definitely not within

the terms of my parole.

Not tough enough?

Well, you're walking

like you need the toilet.

All right.

- How about this?

- Yeah, come on.

- Fractionally better.

- Oh, good.

Now, remember, anyone stares at you,

you stare right back at them, yeah?

Don't be afraid,

but don't be stupid either.

And if they won't budge,

tell 'em to get out of your face.

Get out of your face!

No, not get out of their face.

Get out of your face.

Get out of their face.

Get out of your face.

No. Get out of me face.

- Get out of me face.

- That's it, yeah.

- Yeah, OK.

- Get out of me face.

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

- Very good.

Right, in the chair.

- Not...

- No, no, no, don't worry.

I'm not gonna cut your beard.

Just a few finishing touches.

- What's he doing?

- Stop the van.

- Why?

- Stop the van.

- I think he wants to get out.

- I wanna know how he got in.

Dad, hurry!

Wait up.

Dasher!

Dasher?

Dasher! If that really is your name.

Dasher!

He really is Santa, isn't he?

# Straight outta Compton

It's a crazy brother named Ice Cube

# From the stupid-dope gang

with a attitude

# When I'm called off, I got a sawed-off

# Kick knowledge

and bodies are hauled off

#You too, boy, if you get with me

# The police are gonna have

to come and get me

# Off your back,

that's how I'm goin' out

# For the sucka dumb brothas

that's showin' out

# Some start to mumble,

They wanna rumble

# Mix 'em and cook 'em

in a pot like gumbo

#Goin' off on everybody like that

#With bass that's droppin' in your face

# So give it up smooth... #

An elf!

What did you call me?

Goodness. Why wasn't your absence

noted by your elf leader?

What are you, a comedian?

Are you part of Entwhistle's

theater troupe?

You'd best back up, crazy beard,

before I slap that stupid grin

off your face.

Wait a minute.

I know what you're doing.

You're doing your mean face.

- My what?

- You're in character.

He's good.

Except I have a secret weapon

up my sleeve.

A song that no elf

can resist singing along to.

#SINGING#

# Elves are good

Elves are strong

# Making toys all night long

# In the snow, in the rain

Making toys is not a strain

# Working hard

Stacking shelves

# We don't know cos we are elves

We are elves, we are... #

You're not an elf, are you?

No.

Do you know who the smallest people

in the world are?

- Not elves?

- Bullies.

Inside, bullies are this small.

I'm bigger than you, pal.

Remember that.

I don't think calling someone an elf

is an insult, do you?

Yeah.

Oi, Sally, what are you doing here?

I thought you was escaping last night.

- Is his name Sally?

- His prison name's Sally.

Sally Gunnel, tunnel.

Cockney rhyming slang.

On account he tells everyone he's

digging a tunnel to get out of here.

He's as mad as you.

Hello?

Oh, hello, mate. Will you put

that Santa bloke on, please?

What's going on?

What are you indulging this plan for?

Just put him on, mate, will you?

Hello. Steve?

- Oh, yeah. Hello. Um...

So we found...

Well, we've got a reindeer

and some sort of a, well, yeah,

it's a weird sleigh thing.

Oh, Steve, that's great!

What should I do now?

Go to the rear of the vehicle,

and there you'll find a compartment

with a picture of a,

- well, a rather nice picture of a...

- Elf in a jumpsuit?

Correct. Yes.

Now, there's a handle at the back.

Now, make sure it's secure,

but whatever you do

don't pull it all the way out

because that way you'd lose

the magic powder,

which would be a disaster.

Uh...

- Well, it's empty.

- No.

Yeah. And all the... All the

green sort of dust stuff is all on the...

It's all over the ground.

Well, well, well.

If it ain't the one they call Santa C.

No, his name's Jimmy. Jimmy Claws.

Who's talking to you, hairdresser?

- I'm just making conversation.

- Well, don't.

Steve, get the emergency kit

out of the glove compartment.

Where's the glove compartment?

Where's the... Hello?

STEVE'. Hello?

I've heard you do a right moody

impression of Father Christmas.

Ho, ho, ho!

I mean, no, no, no.

I'm Jimmy Claws, not Santa Claus.

- Get out of my face.

- What you say?

I said, yes, I do a fine impression

of Santa Claus.

- Show me.

- What would you like me to say?

- What does FC normally say?

- "FC". I like that!

"Hello, little girl.

Have you been good?

"Or you been really, really naughty?"

No, no, no. Ho, ho, ho!

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Merry Christmas.

Now you're talking.

- You got the job.

- What job?

We're having a Christmas Eve party

later for the kids and the families.

We do it every year.

I want you to dress up

as Father Christmas and do a turn.

You know, we'll even have the guards

get you a costume.

- Would you do that for me?

- Oh, yes!

I mean, sure, I'll do that for you.

If all else fails.

If all else fails,

go to Hermey's Tower, Suffolk.

- We can't go to Suffolk.

- Why?

Cos you've gotta be home at 4:00

and I've got a parole meeting at 5:00.

- But we're trying to save Christmas.

- And I'm trying to stay out of prison.

So you're just gonna quit?

I can't miss my parole meeting, Tom.

It's impossible. I'm sorry.

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